12 JANUARY 2020
I contemplated where I would write this. Then I remembered, this was personal and your own story from my perspective.
and in this perspective Carter, I am numb.
I am no longer wrestling with my three am thoughts wondering where I went wrong, I am no longer feeling that smoky weight on my chest and I am no longer feeling anything.
Nothing at all.
Where is my joy Carter?
Where is my the fucking glow I once had, clinking glasses and up till five having wholesome talks and silly drunk fights.
Can you return those nights to me Carter?
You know what it is now to even feel something?
because I do not.
because I have no fucking idea how far down this rabbit hole I must go so I can feel even a tiny bit of pain.
But with you, it is oddly satisfying to have this chaotic peace tingling at the edge of my heart and pulling a little smile.
Is this what everything has become because I want a way out of this labyrinth. I was not even damaged until I met you and that is my woe in this fucking play.
Chapter fifteen:
I have come to realise no amount of burn or menthol cigarettes is going to make me feel anything again.
What once used to numb the pain is now used to feel pain.
Can you see the fucking irony?
You would love to nitpick at this blemished soul when I am your greatest masterpiece. You taught me something new Carter.
You taught me a profound misery where I am lying in bed, paralysed with nothing and somehow the pillow is wet along with the fucking polaroids you take.
YOU ARE READING
Friends with Benefits
Short StoryC A S U A L The only 6 letter word you ever destroyed for me. Down to the very bottom of my heart, you knew what we could be and you knew what my heart bore. Friends with benefits: it never worked out because we end up falling love and falling out...
