Friends with Benefits

d r a f t

ENDING IT FOR GOOD

Thirty second chapter. 

I read my words in all these pages and I watched time and time again how you ripped my heart apart. 

Every single chapter is marked with a little piece of my heart and today this is the last of my wearied beating heart. 

I would leave this chapter raw and genuine, with no qualms for editing because of how real you were to me. The tears and the heartache were unspeakable and beyond anything I could ever imagine. 

For over eight months, my weight fluctuated along with my emotions. On some nights I would close my eyes knowing every part of my soul was screaming. I would reach out my arm to grab for that small orange bottle by the night stand on these harrowing nights. 

Just that tiny tablet to ease this anguished flesh. 

I never pegged myself as the kind of girl to let someone "break" me. I let my pride get in the way of my healing and even though I knew I gave you everything I had. The question I had so desperately shut out came back haunting. 

Why am I never good enough?

These are the pieces of me you broke and that is the ugly truth. 

But these fractured pieces of me were held together by me and that is my beautiful hope of happiness. 

Before I met you, I had never met the face of darkness. 

Before I met you, I did not know what it felt like to have my body viciously ruled over me time and time again. 

Before I met you, I did not know how to give lies a makeover into something incredibly truthful. 

Before I met you, I was not broken. 

Trust me, I still wish you well and my dear heart prays for you sometimes. I know you are still capable of being someone so amazing but I wished the world had not poisoned your once naive and innocent heart. 

The world will always be your stage Carter and I pray the faces you give are the ones your heart carries. I hope you say words that carry a part of your flesh and I always wish that one day you will learn to love and appreciate those who love you. 

Please do not ever shortchange yourself because of your greed. 

Likewise, I have stopped shortchanging myself with you. 

You knew of the very obvious pushing away and blatant disrespect of my no. I had given you too much power- or you had forcefully claimed this power as your own, over my body. 

I claim this right back by finally closing and sealing every single door shut. 

The very last warmth in my heart for you had perished in this arctic. 

It is finally over between the both of us. 

We have eradicated one another, no more conversations to reminisce about. No more checking up on one another. No more teasing. No more us.

But off with these rose-coloured glasses. 

No more forbidding nights and constant questioning of your presence in my life. No more questions of what is consent and what is not. No more manipulation. No more tugging with my heart strings only to shred them apart. 

We are back to ground zero. 

Strangers with grim history. 

Friends with benefits: This is the truth in my narrative Carter and for the past eight to nine months with you. 

I had fallen in love and fallen out of love. 

But because of you, I know the kind of person I am and the love that should be handed out in satin ribbons to people who sees me more than a body and a tool. 

Good bye Carter.