Carve Me Open / r.l. + s.b. /

Friends

"I tarnished all the world.I was the infector.I was the poison breather."-via Anne Sexton, Iron Hans

▬▬ι══════════════ι▬▬

Hogwarts, September 1971 (First Year)

The first week of classes had flown by before any of the boys had realized, especially for Remus. Avoiding his roommates with a steadfast vigilance, he'd been enjoying himself quite a bit despite the circumstances. Of course, they still quarreled with one another over silly things, such as who got to poop first in the mornings or the noise levels as Remus tried to study. Their priorities appeared to have clashed, James and Sirius opting for the fun-loving activities that kept the rest up till midnight. Remus wouldn't have minded had they not been berks.

Nevertheless, he had figured he was reading too far into it, that James probably wasn't as perturbed as he'd been acting; James hadn't acknowledged Remus's presence since that night and hardly granted him a second glance. Still, Remus found it arduous to remain around the trio much longer than a few minutes as things either ended up awkward and forced or Remus, in general, was left out of the loop. Fourth wheeling a group that hadn't even wanted you around was beyond any level of anguish he could imagine.

It was better, he decided, that he just went about his business alone – as his father had told him to do. Perhaps this was the cold shoulder he'd been warned of.

Should've listened to him in the first place, and James probably wouldn't hate you.

But what did Remus care if a person like James Potter hated him?

Oh, you care, the Wolf growled evilly.

More often than not, Remus was the first to rise. Showering alone wasn't an issue for him, either. It was uncomfortable enough to have James and Sirius always trying to sneak a look at the scars poking out from his collar and sleeves. On the other hand, Peter was very indiscreet and did not try to hide his nosiness, settling to stare at Remus in the common room and at the dinner table. To have all eyes on him during a shower would be enough to send him on a bender.

He was quick, however, to change immediately once he'd finished showering because the only one who seemed keen on waking up around a reasonable hour was Sirius Black. Besides, if he'd have to have an actual conversation with one of them, he might've just screamed. Remus didn't think he was better than them, though! With the few minutes of eavesdropping and snooping, he deduced that the boys were smart enough. Sirius was a whiz in potions, and James was adept in transfiguration already. Peter's skills laid in Herbology, but they all were terrible in Charms.

Peter was a fan of Muggle music, and Remus found himself despondent as he listened to him natter on and on about different albums and artists. Not because it was annoying, as Sirius found it to be, but because Peter would've loved his collection. Julienne and Lily were lovely, but there was something about living with three people who despised you that made Remus' skin go cold with loneliness. It wasn't hard, though, to busy himself with schoolwork. In fact, he preferred spending his downtime in the library to catch up with the rest of his classmates.

On a Thursday morning, Remus had made the dire mistake of examining himself in the mirror shirtless just because it had told him to do so. Sometimes he did this, silently looking himself over in shame, wincing at all the ugly blemishes scattered across his peachy skin. Each one seemed to hold a distant memory in the back of his head, one that he'd shoved there for a reason.

Metallic abrasions were going all over his chest, and jagged nail marks running down his arm. He ran his fingers over the delicate skin on the nape of his neck, careful to only trace his fingers around the lettering branded on him. Every so often, his mind would take him back to that night in 1965, reminding him of how stupid he had been, how naïve a child really could be. It reminded him of nothing but fear and agony, despite his brain doing a decent job of selectively blurring the morbid details. Though, it wasn't as crafty with the intrusive thoughts that barged in on his most vulnerable moments – moments like these when he'd stripped down to nothing but the minimum. Moments when all Remus had wanted to do, was curl up in a ball and weep.