Two boys in a snake den

A coded letter

Draco sighed at the package laid out on his bed. So far this Hogwarts term he'd received at least two parcels a week from his soon to be elfin stepfather and even more from his traitorous mother, all containing catalogues of suits, cakes, flowers and general wedding prep lark.

He'd chosen his suit, a classy and formal Vivienne Westwood design with just a touch of glam. Grey with navy lapels and red ostrich feathers fanning out by the collar. A truly stunning piece.

But not even his new suit or rhinestone hat could distract from the horror of opening yet another 'Dobby surprise.'

The wrinkled ballsack had thus far gifted Draco three spunky socks, supposedly due to a laundry mix up but Draco wouldn't put it past the little shit to be taunting him, one riding crop, 8 mice carcasses and a neon fluffy pink, admittedly rather lovely, thong. 

The last was apparently intended as a thanks to Dumbledore for some home brew mason jar mageshine but it was comfy and stylish and currently lodged in Draco's crack.

Draco tore open the new package with trepidation and a decidedly amused Pansy at his side.

"I'm sure it can't get worse than a jack off sock, Draco. Seriously."

"Pansy you don't know the devious bugger like I do. He's as bad as Voldemort. But twice as wrinkly and just as horny."

Pansy smiled, snatching the package from him and opening it up herself.

"I don't think this is from Dobby," She said.

A black buttplug fell to the ground, engraved with the dark mark and attached to a piece of parchment that read;

Dear Draco, 

I thought you might find some use for this as my hole has been stretched to the moon this summer. Oh yes, I've been with all the men; Nott, Goyle.....well just Nott and Goyle really but times are tough and my schedule isn't as flexible as one would like.

Anyway, I feel the lack of your presence so strongly. I miss your scent, your smile, your greasy blond head. Even the odd sounds that emanate from your bathroom at night. Seriously though, what do you do in there? I swear I've heard whipping, shrieking, live animals, all sorts.

Draco grimaced, he knew those illegal duck races were a bad idea.

Perhaps when you return we could have a little tete a tete? Just the two of us, a bottle of brandy and several of my best dildos. 

Things are awfully dull around here without you, of course there's politics and taking over the world...but what is the use of nationwide dictatorship if there's no one to share it with? No one to wake up next to? To feel your skin? To kiss your forehead? To treat your fungal infections?

I digress. Enjoy the plug, dearest. I promise it's as clean as a whistle and has only been used once. By everyone in the entire manner.

Kisses, wishes and dirty dishes (I couldn't quite think up a third rhyme, controlling magical Britain is rather time consuming you know!), Your Dark Lord, or dark daddy if you will.

Draco groaned. This again? "For goodness sake why is everyone around here so terribly secretive! How am I supposed to derive meaning from any of this?"

Pansy rolled her eyes. "Draco you dolt, isn't it obvious? He wants you to be his second in command! Now that your father is dead and Nagini is off galivanting with the 6 reptiles most featured in the Daily prophets 'sexiest scales' list, he's all alone, in need of a confidante! That could be YOU!"

Draco smiled, Pansy was right. How had he been so oblivious? All this time Voldemort was clearly admiring his skills as a potential political ally. Now that his father was gutted and rotted it was time Draco stepped up to the responsibility of being family leader and proving to everyone that he could kill Potter right on his doorstep. 

But how would he possibly lure Potter to him? What ruse, event or lucky circumstance would provide him with the perfect opportunity to finally vanquish the chosen one and become second in command to the most powerful wizard of all time?

He looked to his bedside, to the pile of catalogues full of wedding suits, cakes and flowers.

He smiled again. "Merlin, I'm a genius."