Two boys in a snake den

A morning for mourning

Phase two of Draco's plan was meant to commence the morning after his rendezvous with the dark lord, however, Voldemort called an emergency Death eater conference the moment the manor awakened. 

Draco quickly dressed then reconsidered his outfit before leaving the room. He thought that pink hotpants were a tad much for a morning meeting, so settled with his favourite black suit. 

As he entered the dining room, every death eater settled around the long mahogany table, he sensed a quivering tension, something was about to happen.

"Good morning, Draco." Said Voldemort, winking very obviously in his direction. Draco just nodded.

"Did you sleep well, Draco?" Voldemort asked, winking once again in an extremely obvious manner.

"I- suppose, yes."

"That's good, Draco." Another wink.

As Draco took his seat silence descended over the table. Voldemort coughed sharply, announcing he was about to begin. Bellatrix clapped eagerly, stopping to wipe a tear from her eye, "Inspiring, My lord, truly! I-"

"Bellatrix!" Voldemort commanded, a slender finger thrust towards his biggest fangirl, "I'm not dealing with any of your needy shit this morning so I suggest you settle down."

Bellatrix sighed in resignation and Voldemort began. "Now, it has come to my attention that one of you," he looked around menacingly, "has betrayed me. I was informed by someone very loyal to me-" he stopped here and winked at Draco once again, the entire table turned to look at him. "-that one of you shits has been fannying about behind my back. Now I'm not naming name's," another wink, "nor am I going to out who has betrayed me, am I, Lucius?"

The table now turned to Draco's father, who was combing his long locks with his favourite pearlescent genuine horsehair brush. "My lord?"

Voldemort laughed sarcastically. "You see that shit? 'My lord', I know  you've been banging Nagini you albino bastard!"

"No, my lord I would never!"

There was a languid hiss as the serpent in question glided across the marble floor and slid up Voldemort's arm. She appeared to whisper something to him. 

"Ah," Voldemort nodded in understanding as Nagini took to slithering across the table, "well my sweet scaley friend has just informed me that not only did you force yourself upon her, but you're also hung like a fucking horse!"

"It's not true, Nagini my love!"

She hissed again.

"Oh, I see," Voldemort said, "sorry, not a horse, a centaur!"

Lucius sputtered indignantly. "This is ridiculous! Who is your 'secret informant' anyway?"

Voldemort leaned over the table and winked at Draco once again. He whispered: "I'll never tell," and lifted a seductive finger to his lips.

"My own son betrayed me?" There were now tears glistening in Lucius' eyes, until they seared over with rage. "Well, I'm not the only adulterer here!" The table gasped. "I was pushed into Nagini's arms by my lying bitch of a wife!"

"She's a snake, Lucius," Drawled Voldemort, "She doesn't have arms."

"My point still stands! Narcissa has been sleeping with the House elf!"

Draco spat out the orange juice he'd definitely been drinking the entire time and not just now that he needs to add some action into the scene before he speaks, so fuckayou. "DOBBY?!" He shrieked. 

Voldemort giggled and grabbed a napkin. "Oh Draco you clumsy boy, let me get that for you."

"I'm fine, thank you. Mother, is this true?"

Voldemort slammed his pale fist onto the table. "Of course it's true, and it's not surprising in the least." Everyone looked at him questioningly. "Oh c'mon, you're all telling me you've never thought about shagging that little fleshy raisin?"

Everyone, including Draco, conceded.

"Exactly. And, Lucius, to be perfectly honest I've known about Cissy's affair for a while now."

"What?" Lucius' face was now purple with fury.

"Oh yeah, we have tea every Sunday and we got to chatting not so long ago about how your performance in the bedroom has been less than satisfactory, so I suggested she-"

Draco shoved his fingers in his ears, "I'm not listening to you talk about my father's sex life any more!"

Voldemort rolled his eyes and fluttered his voluminous lashes, "oh come now Drakey, don't be such a square! Teehee." 

Bellatrix stuck a fork into the table (which she'd also been holding the entire time). "Enough of this! Why is everyone getting more sex than me!"

"Because," grumbled Grayback, "Your vag looks like an actual basilisk's mouth."

"Avada Kedavra!" She shrieked and Grayback flopped to the ground like an elderly dog.

"Bella! For fuck's sake!" Voldemort shoved her to the ground and grabbed his wand. "I can't deal with this shit any longer, I was going to spare you, Lucius, but now I'm pissed off so: Avada goddamn Kedavra!"

A large green orb flashed and dissipated as Lucius fell limply with a thud. Narcissa screamed. Draco fell out of his chair. 

"Thank fuck that's all sorted," said Voldemort, brushing off his hands. "Who's for a quick round of charades?"