Two boys in a snake den

Lessons in normality

"Malfoy just repeat after me; ssssssssssuuuuppp tthhhhhhiiicccc bbbbiiiitttccchhh shshshshh"

Draco groaned and kicked at Potter's bedpost. "I Can't  I've been trying to tell you that this entire time and yet you've persisted to throw your reptilian fuckboy phrases at me."

"For Merlin's sake I was saying 'how are you', you're the one that asked for My help and now you're moaning like a fucking pixie on the rag!"

Draco rolled his eyes.

"and also Malfoy, would you please tell me why in the name of Merlin's saggy left titty tumour am I naked?!"

"Uch. You're no fun."

Harry put on his golden snitch underwear and sat on his bed with a sigh. "Malfoy, what's this all about."

Draco sat beside him rubbing his eyes, unfortunately smudging his sickening winged liner. "It's a long story.."

Draco relayed the entire tale: Narcissa's adultery, Lucius' scaley affair and subsequent death, the intense charades game and Voldemorts odd behaviour, which most recently included him sending Draco a photo of a porcelain white butthole with a 'wish you were here' note attached. He just wanted everyone to stop being so cryptic.

"So you see Potter my life has become well and truly fucked. The only consistency being my attract- uh- hatred of you."

Harry nodded. "Well for the record I don't think I completely hate you anymore. I'm a bit tired of it all if truth be told."

Draco scoffed, "what reasons do you have for being tired, golden boy?"

Harry sighed, "well, there's Hermione who's recently become feral. Fucking the couches, eating all our shoes and such. We think she snorted some bad cocaine off Seamus' wand at the Christmas party. Then there's Ron who's decided to become a drag queen. He's pretty fabulous actually, the only problem is his wigs take up our whole shared wardrobe and there's no room for anything else, which means Neville has had to hide his black market sex shop paraphernalia under my bed and dorm checks are coming up. Not to mention that Dean and Seamus are going at it like rabbits all the time-"

"-don't use muggle phrases in my presence Potter-"

"-No I meant actual rabbits. They take polyjuice potion brewed by Luna, apparently buck teeth and furry arses really heighten the sexual experience. So who am I to judge? It's just that Parvati and Padma have now decided to convert the girls' dorm room into a meth lab so Hermione now sleeps with Ron, humping his legs all night and I'm left to listen to the sounds of horny rabbits and a feral ginger fuckfest!"

Draco was speechless. (Only for a moment though because I'm about to write a line of dialogue for him but I just wanted to convey the shock at these revelations, you know how it is.) "Bloody hell Potter, looks like we're the only sane ones here. Shall we drink to it?"

"Sure, one sec." Harry retreated into the bathroom and returned with two fresh glasses of piss. 

The boys raised their glasses in unison, celebrating their normality amongst such chaos.

"To being normal!"

"Cheers to that!"

"Oh shit," Draco exclaimed, "better run, got my 3.00 seaweed whipping session to get to. Au revoir my mundane pal!"

"See you around!"