Heartbeat

Twenty-Six

EMMA

My first session with Dr. Warren was awkward. I’d met her on Sunday after Dr. Knight persuaded me to give counseling a shot, and for a while I thought it might help, but I knew after today that it probably wouldn’t.

Dr. Warren kept asking me about Alex, his death and how it had affected our family, especially me. I’d already told her that I didn’t want to talk about the past, and I just wanted to concentrate on the present, but she kept stating that the present was irrevocably linked with the past.

It wasn’t, I told her. The past had nothing to do with the present so there was no need to discuss it further. The doctor knew better than me, naturally, and persisted to want to talk about my brother.

“Emma,” Dr. Warren was starting to become exasperated as she sighed my name for the tenth time in an hour. “We’ve spent most of our session avoiding the real topic and I’m not going to be able to help you until you open up.”

“Have you considered that maybe,” I knew my voice was harsh but I could hardly control myself. We’d been stuck in this impasse for too long and I was starting to get frustrated by the doctor’s lack of understanding. “Maybe I don’t want to talk about Alex. Maybe it’s too painful to talk about my dead brother. Maybe it’s because I feel guilty and I can’t talk about it. Have you thought about that?”

My outburst took us both by surprise. Dr. Warren was sat, her mouth open as she processed my fit of rage. She took her pen and scribbled a quick note in my file before her stare rose to meet mine. They were scrutinizing me, searching for the best way to move forward and I knew she was about to psycho-analyze me.

“What do you feel guilty about, Emma?” Her tone was soft, but accusatory too. “You said you feel guilty, but what do you have to feel guilty for?”

I clamed up, my voice incapable of forming words as my throat tightened. I knew I was on the verge of a panic attack and there was nothing I could do to stop it from coming. I averted my gaze and instead watched as the clock counted down the minutes and seconds until the hour was up. I was a minute away from freedom, but as my chest constricted further, I knew that a minute was a lifetime away.

“Dr. Warren,” I said slowly and quietly as I tried to conceal my anxiety, waiting for the bell on the side table to ring about the end of the session. It rang loudly just as I was about to speak, so instead I let out a sigh and smiled. “Shall we continue from here next time?”

I was rushing out of the room with my backpack swinging from my arm before she could answer. The freedom the fresh air offered me was exhilarating, and I inhaled deeply as I let the oxygen flow through my body, rejuvenating my weakened senses.

I scanned the parking lot for Dad, suspecting that he’d have waited the whole hour for me, but there was no grey SUV around. There was however a black sports car parked ahead of me with a tall, dark-blonde, blue eyed boy leaning against the passenger door.

Jordan smiled as I neared him, his smile dropping as he noticed my expression. I felt him tense up as I nestled myself in his arms, my head settling in the crook of his neck. I could smell his aftershave and my hand instinctively went to his cheek, his skin soft under my touch.