Heartbeat

Thirty-Four

EMMA

There was a pounding at the door. Not a gentle knock like we usually have, but a more persistent banging that was threatening to take the door out. From the heavy beating, I thought that it could be Jordan and that he’d finally cracked and wanted payback.

Dad had answered the door, and from the way he was shouting I guessed that whoever was there had pushed their way past and I could hear their footsteps on the stairs. I closed my eyes, hoping that maybe if I couldn’t see them then they might not be able to see me either, but I was wrong. The door slammed open and I could feel someone tugging me to stand.

I braced myself for all the possibilities my mind entertained. Would they shout at me, hit me or throw me to the ground? I steadied myself but what I hadn’t anticipated was what the person actually did. They pulled me into a hug, their arms wrapping around my shoulders tighter than anyone’s ever held me since… since Adam.

“Adam?” I opened my eyes and noticed the shock of dark hair on the head that balanced on my shoulder. “What’s happened?”

Was everything ok? Was Jordan alright? Something bad must have happened if Adam was here in my room, his arms constricting me and his chest moved up and down frantically. I could hear his breath coming erratically and wondered what was going on.

“Hey,” I tried to soothe him, my hands rubbing up and down his back in a circular motion. “Are you ok?”

I heard Dad’s voice from behind asking if I needed any help. Adam let me go and stalked further into my room, his back towards me as he nods to my father. I tell Dad that we’re alright and move to shut the door, whispering that I’d call him if I needed him for anything.

“Do you ever think about that night?” Adam’s voice is low and he doesn’t turn to look at me.

“Always,” I answer automatically. I knew what night he was talking about instantly. “You?”

“Every time I see you, Lissy,” Adam turns to face me and I see now why he’d been so erratic earlier. His eyes are red, the tears still flowing from them as he bites his lip. “It’s like it’s on a loop and there’s no way to stop it. All I can see is the ice falling and all I can hear is you screaming. And then there’s this black hole and there’s no way out. Does that make sense?”

I tell him it never used to make sense. Before, whenever I thought about Alex and the accident, I always just saw the blackness of it all. I saw what I wanted to see, and I always wanted to see the horror played out over and over again. I had become so fixated on the bad stuff that I never remembered the good stuff.

“What do you mean?” Adam sat on my bed and let out a sigh that took the weight of the world off his shoulders.

“I was talking with Dr. Warren today,” I never spoke to anyone but Jordan and Logan about my therapy sessions but I knew that Adam had to understand. “I told her that it was my fault that Alex died and she told me that I was being stupid. Had I been the one to persuade Alex to get on the ice? Had I been the ice that cracked under him? What makes me think that he wouldn’t have sneaked out to the party if we hadn’t gone? He’d done it before so maybe he would have done it again. Why didn’t anyone try to stop them?