COMPATIBLE INDIFFERENCE

Chapter 12

The question that has been quietly bothering me for the last five years has finally been asked by my two drunk friends. I looked at Tom who seemed uncomfortable with the attention. He has always been a crowd favorite because of his talents and well, yes, looks. So his distress is quite a unique sight.

We've been hanging around for a while now, especially when he got a job in SLAC last year. Our conversations pretty much consisted of anything from A to Y. We talked about high school, joked about our cold demeanor but never before that. A guarded subject where a sad history probably lies that Tom doesn't want to discuss.

Tom fell into deep thought while the girls were staring at him like insane inebriated witches. Will, listening quietly, drank his beer. Mike looked a tad anxious but kept silent as well. With a resolute face, Tom finally faced the girls and lastly, me. "I came back because I wanted to see you. That's all there is to it."

Jam clapped like a seal, a clear indication of her being drunk. Touched, I smiled at Tom and patted his arm. I stood up. "Okay. So, that's settled. Let's call it a night." The girls groaned in refusal but I still went to Jam and helped her up. Louise and Will exchanged mobile numbers. Outside, Tom offered to drive us home but Mike was already helping Jam to his back seat. I glanced at Tom before getting on Mike's car and saw him staring at me. A peculiar expression flashed on his face for a second. He called out, "Congratulations again, Sam." I nodded back, "Thank you, Jacobs."

Tom clearly had something going on with him that night but he can't seem to share it with me. Weeks passed and we rarely saw him. The girls were worried that they might have pushed him too much but he said on the phone that his ongoing research occupies the most of his days. Time, we'll give him that.

A month after graduation, I was able to get a call for a job from one of the private clinics where I trained at. It was one of those momentous feelings of achievement especially when some patients were asking about me. I feel like Dr. Phil, minus the mustache.

Louise and I moved out of our apartment due to some major renovations in the building. We decided to independently live on our own. I think it was one of those turning points in my life since this will be my first time without a housemate. We lived three blocks away so it was not that bad. I'm starting to feel like an adult.

Waiting for my very late patient, one Friday afternoon, I checked my emails and decided to access the one I've been using for emperor_frost out of curiosity. I was shocked to see 256 unopened emails with the most recent one sent last week.

I scrolled down to the one I last read, three years ago, and opened the one after it. It was another series of apologies, saying that his life is caught between secrets and conclusions. He never gave the specifics but he kept on apologizing.

Reading his emails became a pastime as my once quiet virtual friend became an engaging storyteller. Reading back from years back, he'd tell me about his daily activities in the university where he took additional studies and plans to move back home after. I was surprised he shared something personal.

After two weeks, I was able to catch up with his current mail. He said that even though I may never reply, he'll continue filling up my inbox. Three years, that's quite a while. I've been isolating him enough so I decided to send back a message. Then, we were back in my college sophomore year. It became a part of my routine, yet again.

Mike was uncomfortable when he learned about emperor even though I told him it was just a harmless exchange of emails. He didn't understand why I dwell time on such childish behavior. It became one of the many reasons for our recent altercations. After that night at Batras, he always seemed anxious and became overbearing. It seems that arguing became part of our daily itinerary, but the next day he would visit me at the apartment or at the office wearing a sincere, apologetic look. We'd reconcile. My younger self would definitely scold me if she sees my current situation but I can't help it. I like him.

Three months passed, the girls and I finally saw the physical Tom at our local bistro. We've seen a lot of him on Skype that it's quite satisfying seeing the real person. He looked worn out but happier. The project his team was working on is on the final testing phase. We ordered lunch and a loud conversation ensued. I've got my gang back.

Caught in a daydream, Tom flicked my forehead. "Hey, you're different. You've got worried lines." I smiled and nibbled on my grilled avocado chicken. "Not really. It's a sign of old age." I caught Jam looking at Louise curiously who nodded her head in answer. Jam gripped my hand. I shook my head but she forcefully held my hand.

"Sam. It's not healthy anymore. It's getting toxic." Tom turned to me with concern. "What's happening?" I stared at the window and saw a young man with his girlfriend hailing a cab. Unconsciously, he played with her hair while she was talking to him. Human emotions are genuinely shown in silent gestures and unsaid words. I have been lacking but I tried. He tried. It's been a tough couple of months. We can't seem to meet at both ends. We got tired of arguing. We got tired of silence. It's heartbreaking. I think it is time to say goodbye to virulence.

Lost in my own thoughts, I heard Tom asking the girls what happened. They shrugged their shoulders and said nothing. I smiled at them and said, "You're correct, guys. Every time I offer something other than a platonic relationship, it bounds to fail. So, I'll take care of it tonight." Jam stabbed her fork on her poor steak. "It's not your fault. He is so not worth it."

Touched by her loyalty, I smiled. "It's not solely his." Lou gripped my hand in comfort. I grasped it back, reassuring her. "Honey, don't tell yourself that your relationships are bound to fail. You just didn't meet the right person, yet. Call if you need us, okay?" "What did he do?" Tom asked again. I stared at him and was amused to see a fire in his eyes. "Why are you angry, Jacobs? Eat your chicken. I'll take care of it, okay?" He groaned. "Sure. Keep it all to yourself." I chuckled and sighed. "It was just one of those 'it didn't work out' thing. Do you know what I mean? Like those multitudes of women you left in New York." The girls giggled and Tom sighed in surrender.

That night, Mike and I talked. He knew what was coming when I called him that afternoon. He tried to talk me out of it but it's obvious that we'll always go back to the root of our problem. His insecurities. My attitude. His ambition. My priorities. We knew about our mistakes but we can't seem to fix it.

I found myself stopping by Tico's after I left his apartment. A pub for the silent drinkers. I ordered my favorite bottle of Corona and started a trip down memory lane. I was already on the last fun weekend trip Mike and I had in Tahoe and my 4th bottle when someone poked me.

I looked up and saw Tom peering at me like a shepherd who found a lost sheep. "How's your head?" I squinted my eyes. "It's fine. I can see you just fine." He sat beside me and asked. "How's your heart?" I smirked at him. "Nice segue, Jacobs. Very nice. Hmm, it's still beating. It will cope. Thank you."

He grinned and we fell into silence. I stared at the mural on the bar and eventually looked at Tom who was quietly sipping his beer. His presence is comforting me in some way. What would our high school peers say at the sight of us together? It'll be an interesting show.

Sensing my melatonin knocking my cortisol out, I told Tom that I'll go to the washroom before we head home. As I turned the corner, I saw a familiar face approaching him. Must be a friend. Or a foe. As curious as I was, I went directly to the comfort room.

After a few minutes, I headed back to our table. I saw that familiar stranger sitting beside him. As I approached them, I heard snippets of their conversation. "..peeves.", "How long...", "emperor", "you're frost...", "secret..", I was supposed to ignore the words being said but my gut told me no. Blood was roaring loudly in my ears, I felt colder than before, even though the four beers I had was supposed to warm me. Still, I stood silently.

It was not until I heard Tom muttering, "I can't tell her now." when he finally noticed me. He stood up so quickly that the stool almost fell. "Sam..." I sat on an empty chair to regain my strength. "If I understood everything correctly, Jacobs, you are emperor_frost, am I right?" He nodded weakly. I shut my eyes in distress.