COMPATIBLE INDIFFERENCE

Chapter 14

Tired and drained, I looked at him. He was staring at me the same way that night at Batras. Something flashed in his face but it disappeared as fast as it was before I can completely comprehend it. He started to move forward but I unconsciously took a step back. Something unfamiliar leaped inside of me. Startled to rationalize the sudden occurrence, I gave him one last look and walked away. This time, he didn't follow.

The next days were stressful. After different sessions with my clients, I became more exhausted than usual. The thing with Mike and Tom on the same night became a little bit too overwhelming for me. The girls called a couple of times so I told them briefly that Mike and I amicably broke up and Tom was emperor_frost. They were surprised and asked for more details but they sensed that I was not in any mood to talk about it.

I haven't heard from Tom until he left a voicemail at the end of the week asking me if I could join him for dinner. To talk. Again. I sent him a text saying, 'Next time' as I am not yet ready to face him. On the second week, he left another voicemail as I was preparing for my next session.

"Sam. I really wanted to see you and tell this personally but I-- (sigh). I'll be leaving for Japan this evening to start on our new project. I'll be gone for a year. I hope that's enough time for you to think about us. Let's talk when I get back. Take care, ok? Later." What kind of drama am I in? Who do I throw out the blame to? Our relationship is messy, to begin with.

The calendar has been flipped so quickly. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year. It's almost a blur. I have thought about Tom during the in-betweens of my full-packed days. But I decided not to dwell on it too much. For now. Or I'll be stuck.

The clinic grew and every day was a buzz. Will got transferred to our facility. Lou was thrilled that he doesn't have to travel an hour for work. They have gotten way too closer than I imagined. In the duration of their relationship, it didn't take Will long enough to decide to marry her. They got engaged right after Lou moved in with him. Jam was quite skeptical in the beginning but the lovebirds were genuinely sincere and happy. She can't help but accept it. She whispered to me that she can recommend a good divorce lawyer if needed, on the night of their engagement party. Once a friend, always a friend.

On that same night, they announced that they're getting married in August. So we only got four months to help the couple take care of the wedding preparations. One of those is finding the dress. We scheduled a Saturday to scoop out all the boutiques for that fated white dress. Queen Victoria can be one of those first trendsetters.

With no luck on the second boutique, we went for lunch at Missy's Cafe. The girls were having an in-depth conversation about laces and veils. I was silently listening to them but at the same time, staring at Jam amusingly. All this hype due to Louise's wedding made her jittery. She has always been uncomfortable with weddings and marriage thus her initial reservation. She blatantly believes that being tied down is the final death march of independence. Coming from divorced parents, we understand her preachings since day one, but all this jumping from one boyfriend to the other speaks otherwise. It would be interesting for her to finally fall in love.

A shrill voice broke my thoughts. "Hey, you guys. How are you doing?" We looked up and saw Clara, one of our high school classmates. We said our hellos and the usual long time no see conversations. Then she pointedly turned to me and said. "Sam, the gang saw you and Tom hanging out together last year at the bowling center. They were shocked. They can't believe what they saw. Are you kind of a thing now?"

So that's why she came over. Didn't they know that curiosity killed the cat? I smiled at her and replied sweetly. "There came a point in our lives where Tom and I realized that the better way for us to kill each other is to be closer." The girls snickered at her bewildered face as she said a quick goodbye and skittered off on her bejeweled stilettos.

The girls laughed altogether when we lost sight of her. "That was a good one, Sam. Ten out of ten." Jam gave me a high five. Lou smiled but with a concerned look, she asked. "Can we talk about it now?" I sipped my lemonade drink and shrugged my shoulders in response.

"C'mon. If you keep doing that, we'll always be THE-clueless friends. When will you be ready to share the bits of your intriguing life, Dharts?" Jam asked me with a resolute face. When will I be ever ready to tell them when I'm not certain myself?

"How about we have a sleepover at your apartment tonight? Then you can tell us what happened." Lou suggested. We respect our privacy and space, but I've indeed kept my best friends in the dark for a long time. "Well then, if you want me to tell you the burdens of this troubled homo sapien, I'll indulge you. Tonight." The girls were grinning with their eyes screaming out, "Mission accomplished".

On the 4th boutique we harassed, we finally found D-dress. It was an A-line lace gown with a beaded bodice, sweetheart neckline with an embroidered side-split detail. Words can't describe the dress perfectly. The bride though was more than beautiful. I bet half of my treasured books that Will will be teary-eyed like how his bride and Jam were at that moment. I was taking a video capturing the moment and my ecstasy can only be heard from the audio.

I was pretty tired when we got to my apartment. The shopping didn't end after that dress. We spent two more hours contemplating on her shoes but Lou still has a lot of energy. She cooked one of our favorite dishes, Bolognese Spaghetti with a home-baked bread I got from my neighbor, Guidecello, early this morning. A bottle of Villa Nozzole Chianti Classico stood at the kitchen island temptingly.

After a wonderful dinner, we watched a rerun of Definitely Maybe in HBO. My eyes began to droop when Isla Fisher was passionately pretending to be the soon-to-be fiancee of Ryan Reynolds at the rooftop. But before I succumb to a peaceful slumber, Jam lowered the volume and faced me. "Don't you dare sleep on us, Samantha! We've waited impatiently for you to spill the beans and you're planning to surrender yourself to Hypnos?"

Louise chuckled while getting off the bed. "Give me a minute. I'll get more wine and popcorn." "Hey, is my life a movie that you need a refill?" I exclaimed. "Pretty much, Dharts. Pretty much." Jam said matter-of-factly while brushing her now, ebony black hair.

"Where do I begin the tale?" I asked as I took a sip from my now-refilled wine glass. "From the start." Jam said cheerfully. So I started telling them my once upon a time without the happy ending. By the time I told them how we parted, they looked at me with two sets of eyebrows raised. Jam asked, "If you can jump back to that last part?"

"He was looking at me weirdly before we parted. I don't feel like talking to him anymore so I walked away. I was too tired to deal with all this shit." I stared at Ryan Reynolds face plastered on the television. "So what do you intend to do when he comes back?" Louise asked quietly. I stared at my empty glass. "I don't know."

Jam pulled my hair. "Hey!" "Hey, yourself. We know you've been doing more runs than usual yet this brilliant brain of yours is still stuck with this for eight months! How long are going to dwell on this? You've barely scratched the surface. Talk to us, Sam."

Louise held my hand. I looked at her still confused at Jam's words. "Ben, the park manager reported that you've been twice as busy running every day." I looked at them defeatedly. "Yeah, but it hasn't been working. Running is not giving me the solution as it has always been. All I know is that I am exhausted. We've been running in circles since high school. I... I just don't know."

Louise smiled reassuringly. "You are the only one who knows what is happening here..." She tapped my head, "...and here." and touched the beating organ on my chest, which was thumping quite loudly now that she mentioned it.

Jam fluffed her pillow and laid down. "If you need time, then give yourself time. But don't let it just float around your buzzing head. Remember, be honest with yourself. When you have figured out what you really want, what you really feel, accept it. If you hate him, stay away. If you don't, then don't."