Hopeless

Chapter fourteen

Hey... So this will be sad and I am sorry, but it had to happen. For extra feels listen to 'Where do we go from here' by Ruelle. Or just any sad music. And get tissues. It's a long chapter, and you will need them.

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Clary was sitting on the chair next to her mothers' bed. That white chair with the incredibly uncomfortable chairback. The chair she has been sitting on for the past few days. Her hand held her mothers'. Jocelyns skin was slightly greyish, dry and cold. Jocelyn laid in her bed, the machines beeping and forming a melody that was already burnt into Clary's brain. She sat here, day and night. The doctors let her be here all the time, not caring about visiting hours. Her nails were bitten, her hair disarrayed. She lost weight and her cheekbones seemed to cut through her skin. She had dark circles under her matt eyes. She was shaking. Ten minutes ago a doctor told her that her mother's condition was getting worse with every minute. And she didn't cry. That was probably the worst about it all. She didn't cry, she didn't scream, she didn't panic. She nodded, feeling numb. Without any emotion, she called Jace. Told him to bring Izzy. Clary's friend that was supposed to accomplish her today had a very important appointment and Clary didn't bother calling Jace. He deserved some time off. She felt her hand grabbing Jocelyn's tighter and tighter. Jocelyn seemed to be so fragile, but yet she wasn't. Memories crushed into Clary's head- her mom bringing her to kindergarden. Her mother and her at the playground. She was not only her mother, no. She was her big sister, her teacher, her bestfriend. All in one. "Don't let the memories fade. In the end, it's all you've got.", Jocelyn used to tell Clary. It was her motto. Living every moment to the fullest and cherishing it. And now, all those memories Clary kept safely inside her head just overwhelmed. She and Jocelyn in the cinema, visiting the zoo, camping, baking Christmas cookies... All those images appeared in front of her inner eye, like photos you knew of but never found in that huge album of memories. She could smell her mothers' favorite perfume. She could taste the self-brewed jam her mother used to make in the end of summer. Clary closed her eyes. Breathe in, breathe out, she told herself. No, it was her mothers' voice. Those were the words she said when Clary applied at Brooklyn academy of art. "Breathe in, breathe out. Now go and be the strong daughter I raised." Suddenly, Clary felt a tear escape her eye. She was numb on the inside, cold, but still she was crying. She didn't sob, didn't snivel, she just sat there, quietly, staring at her mother and crying. Like a statue. Motionless. Now she wasn't even sure whether her or her mothers hands were colder. Her heart felt like a piece of iced glass slicing her up from the inside and making her bleed out with every beat. And it didn't hurt, physically. It was the mental pain that was unbearable. So unbearable, no physical pain could ever cover it. Nothing in this world could compete against it. Nothing. It was just Clary and the pain. She looked around in the room- that plain, white room. It was the exact same every day. Suddenly, she recognized a movement. The door. Someone was pushing the door handle down. As the door was opened, more of that blueish, clean, sterile hospital came pouring into the room, hurting her eyes. She didn't even bother. When her eyes adapted to the light, she saw him. Jace. He wore a gray shirt, jeans and a leather jacket. His golden hair was all over the place. She looked into those golden eyes of his and something moved on her inside. Seeing the man she loved more than herself made her loose control of her feelings. All of a sudden, her heart started to melt and let go of all those emotions she tried to suppress. The grief, the angst, the fear, all those worries she kept in her heart all those days. "Hey.", Jace said and darted towards her to catch her right before she could hit the floor as she fell from the chair. "Hey.", he whispered in her ear. He ran his hand through her ginger hair. And he held her face as he always did. And he looked into her eyes as he always did. And something about his appearance made her release all her feelings. Let it all out. He pressed her face against his chest and let her cry. She could feel how her tears were soaking his shirt, but none of them cared. She cried, silently, listening to Jace' heartbeat. She couldn't tell for how long they have been sitting like this, but as she had no tears left to cry, as her eyes felt dry as the desert she sat up and got pulled into a hug immediately. Jace stroke her back. "What happened?", he asked after some more minutes. "They told me-", Clary started but broke off. Hearing bad news was bad, thinking about them was worse but telling them to someone else was the worst. It made them real. " They told me her condition was bad. They said she is going to die.", she swallowed. Out of nowhere, her tears got back to her eyes. But before she could break down again, she noticed another change in her environment. At first she couldn't tell what it was, but then she realized- the machines. They were beeping significantly faster. And there it was again- that numbness. She didn't know what to do. But Jace darted out of the room and screamed:" Help! We need help!", Immediately a doctor and three nurses came running. Clary felt as if she was seeing all of this from a distance. it happened in slow-motion. One of the nurses guided Jace and Clary out of the room, calls were made, the doctor approached Jocelyn... Clary couldn't react. She wasn't capable of anything. She just obeyed. She didn't even feel Jace stroking her back. She didn't notice Simon and Isabelle arriving. She didn't notice Simon pulling her in a hug. She didn't notice the mess around her, the doctors, the nurses, the noise... Inside her head, it was just silence. Now it wasn't just her heart that was frozen, now it was all of her. She felt nothing. Nothing until she saw the doctor approaching her. He opened his mouth, but Clary heard everything from a distance. Still, the distance wasn't great enough. "I am sorry.", he said, "Your mother just died." Then everything went black.