Hopeless

Chapter fourty-eight

Alec slowly opened his eyes. Everything around him was black and he could barely see anything because of the darkness. He looked out of the window- only the traffic lights were beaming a red glow on the street. Slowly, he grabbed his phone. 4.32 AM it said. That explained a lot. Only now Alec noticed he was sweating. His whole body was wet and sweat pearls formed on his forehead, making their way down his temples and being sucked in by the pillow. Alec felt feverish, everything around him seemed to be spinning, the red glow from the traffic lights like neon signs in front of his inner eye. Alec stared at the ceiling and tried to take deep breaths. In and out. In. And out. He felt his chest rise and fall, first fast, then slower. The sweating got better. Still, despite it was getting very cold outside he felt really hot. When he pulled away his blanket, he saw the Boxershorts he was sleeping in were completely soaked in sweat. He must have been sweating all night. This was weird. His throat felt dry and scratchy and he noticed how thirsty he was. Luckily, he had a bottle of water next to his bed. This happened last night as well. And the night before. But it has never been as bad. As soon as Alec moved his head to the right to grab his phone, the world started spinning again. He felt dizzy and sick, his head hurt and there was some sort of pain in his stomach that he hasn't noticed before. It kind of was scary. Alec grabbed his phone and started writing a message to Magnus. "Hey, Mags, we have to talk. I really feel terrible right now and I feel like there's something wrong with me. Please come home immediately after work." His thumb was about to press the send button as Alec changed his mind. Quickly, he deleted the message and went off the chat with Magnus, switched off his phone and put it next to his bed. There was no point in telling Magnus like this. he would only be worried and extra stressed at work and as he is put under a lot of pressure there, Alec didn't want to give Asmodeus another opportunity to pick at Magnus. He still felt terrible about not telling Magnus the truth. He kind of promised, didn't he? On the one hand he wanted to be honest with Magnus and as he overcame his pride and talked to him about his problems, Alec wanted to do the same for him and also be honest with his boyfriend. But on the other hand, what was the point? It would only pressure Magnus more and he had enough to worry about. 'Running away from your problems doesn't help. Usually they are faster than you. And if they aren't and seem so much smaller from a distance, remember that they will catch up with you any minute and then seem twice as huge and intimidating than before.', Isabelle always used to say. It was cute. He remembered being fifteen years old, realising he was gay and only telling his thirteen year old sister about it because despite being younger, she still had the best advice. She was pretty wise for a thirteen year old, he had to admit. And she still was now. He knew what he was doing was childish and stupid but it was the way he felt. It was his twisted way of doing the right thing. Alec looked out of the window again. Now the traffic lights were green, giving the city a completely different vibe. It all looked so small and unimportant. Alec tried to concentrate on his breath again- he really wanted to catch at least some sleep because he knew waking up at 4.30 AM wouldn't help his headache and his talk with Magnus. Trying to calm down he noticed how thirsty he was- again. With a sigh, he realized the water bottle next to his bed was empty. He knew he would have to get up and grab another one because with a throat as dry as this, he wouldn't ever fall asleep. Slowly, he turned to the side and let his feet touch the steady floor. Carefully, he brought his upper body in a sitting position as well. A burning, piercing pain shot through his head as if his scull was being cracked open and his brain cut into little pieces. His hands supporting him, Alec pushed himself up from the bed into a standing position. "Now one step at a time.", He thought, carefully placing foot after foot. Step after step. Then he noticed his feet were touching the cold stone floor in the entrance. Alec decided not to get any light because he was sure it would only make his headache worse. Very carefully with his hands touching the walls Alec walked down the hallway. He just hoped there wasn't anything on the ground over which he might trip. Only a few minutes later he made it to the kitchen. Luckily, some water bottles were standing right on the table so he didn't even have to search them. With a little hiss, he opened the bottle and started swallowing the cool and refreshing water in it. He felt the liquid run down his throat and hydrate him. Just now he realized how insane thirsty he has been. Without noticing, he emptied the entire bottle and longed for the second one. With a quick hesitation, he decided to save it for later, just in case. Then, he started walking back. Slowly but steadily, one step at a time, just like he did on his way to the kitchen. This time he had only one hand to steady him at the wall as he was carrying the water bottle with him. Suddenly, everything's started to spin again. He started to see the traffic lights even though there was no window even close to him. The headache shot into his head, the sickness kicked in and all of a sudden he felt weaker and dizzier than ever before. With a groan, he sunk onto the ground, his legs too weak to hold the eight of his body. Then everything went black. Completely black.