Hopeless

Chapter twenty-nine

Alec tied his tie. The suit fit perfectly. With a sigh he looked in the mirror. He wore a black suit, a black tie, and a black shirt. Today was Jocelyns funeral. Isabelle would come and pick him up in ten minutes. "Black really does suit you.", Magnus said. Alec looked around an smiled weakly. "Hey, it'll be alright.", Magnus said and hugged Alec. "I hate funerals.", he sighed. "I know, Alexander, I know.", Magnus whispered and stroke his head. With a sigh Alec let go of Magnus and limped to the kitchen to get some water. He was hoping to go to the funeral without crutches but that wasn't possible yet. At least they were black as well. Then someone knocked at the door- it was Isabelle. "Hey.", she sighed and hugged Magnus. They really built up an amazing relationship. "Hey.", she said again and hugged Alec. Quickly afterwards she closed the buttons on his suit- he always forgot about those. "Aren't you going to freeze in that dress?", Alec asked. She shrugged:" I must admit I underestimated the temperature a little. But it'll be alright." "You can have a blazer of mine.", Magnus suggested. Thankfully Isabelle took it- it fit surprisingly well. She couldn't close it because of her baby bump but it still warmed her. She looked beautiful in that long, black dress, he long black hair braided and with only little makeup on. And she still wore black high-heels. "You both look amazing. I would wish you a good day but that seems ironic.", Magnus said. Alec smiled weakly and hugged him goodbye, so did Isabelle. Then they made their way to Isabelles car. Even though the graveyard wasn't too far away, she decided to get a car, just in case. A few minutes later they reached the graveyard. With a sigh Alec struggled out of his sisters' car and got going. From a distance he saw Jace, with Clary in his arms. She wore Jace' jacket- she must have made the same mistake as Isabelle. As Jace saw them his fate lit up a little so Alec and Isabelle decided to got to him. "Hey.", he greeted his siblings. "Hey.", Alec sighed and pulled his brother into a hug. He really missed him and he felt as if Jace needed that hug as well. "And- how are you feeling?", Jace asked. He looked drained and exhausted. "I'm okay. But what about you." "It has been better but it has been worse.", Jace sighed. Alec could tell the sadness just from the way he looked at him. Isabelle finally let go of Clary so Alec could greet her too. "Hey.", he sighed and hugged her. Him and Clary never had a too close relationship but it really improved. And he cared about her. A lot. "Hey. Good to see you, Alec." "Yeah. Good to see you too.", Alec said and bit is lip, "I just wish it wouldn't have to be under these circumstances." "Me neither.", Clary whispered. "I'm so sorry.", Alec whispered and hugged her. He really was sorry. He was sorry for not being there for her, not helping Jace with the situation, just being an extra burden to everyone." " Don't be.", Clary whispered through her tears. He felt her chest tremble and his shirt was soaked more and more with her tears. But that was okay. She let her cry. Then the ceremony begun. For the first time Alec looked around- everyone was dressed completely in black. He recognized some well-known faces such as Simon and Luke but also there were plenty of people he has never seen before. Almost everyone was crying. Simon just passed Isabelle another tissue and Clary pressed her head against Jace' chest and you could hear she was crying. Jace looked heartbroken, his eyes teary. Alec felt nothing. He just felt numb. He couldn't cry, still there was a deep sadness inside of him. He has never been good at showing emotions. That was one of the many reasons why he hated funerals. He didn't belong there. And even though he knew this wasn't true, he still felt watched and silently judged by everyone. The priest called Clary to the front. "Let those who are remaining worship the dead.", he said. "Hey. Thank you all for coming.", Clary said and her voice cracked. Her face was swollen from all the crying. As Alec looked at Jace he could see how much it hurt him to see Clary like this. "My mother was everything for me. It's like a piece of my heart has been ripped out. And there is nothing in this world that could fill this emptiness that I feel inside of me. And I wanna thank those who tried and who supported me those past weeks. And those who supported me when my mother was still alive. I know she had to live I life she didn't want. And in some way, her death must be a release to her. And I know that, and so should you. In this grave laid my mother, that will never stand next to me, witnessing my marriage. Or my first child. But now she is free. Free of the pain she had felt for all the past years. It's a sweet grief I am feeling. I know she's better, wherever she is. Although it hurts so much, I have to see the positive in it- I knew she didn't want to live anymore. She rejected food, she rejected sleep- she used to be a passionate, strong and most importantly free woman. And now she's free again. This warms my broken heart. Although it hurts I have to say goodbye to her. Goodbye mom. For me you never died. You will always be alive in my heart. And I know that you are better now. And one day, death will make me see you again. And then I will tell you everything. I love you mom. See you in heaven." Then she kissed the coffin and walked away from it, straight into Jace' open arms.