Hopeless

Chapter fourty-five

"Hey sweetheart.", Magnus whispered and blew a kiss on his boyfriends forehead. Alec sighed in delight. He felt as if it has been eternities since he woke up to Magnus like that. Today both him and Magnus had their days off so they could just relax and get some rest and spend time together. He really missed cuddling with Magnus, holding him and smelling his shampoo. He missed being close to him. And it was just now that he noticed how much of a distance grew between them. He knew he had to talk about his symptoms to Magnus because he already woke up feeling sick and with a nasty headache. But now he just didn't feel like it. It wasn't the right moment. "How are you boo?", Magnus asked and Alec smiled weakly:" Good. And you?" "Me too.", Magnus lied. Magnus could feel the pressure of keeping secrets from Alec heavy on his chest. Maybe today was the right day to talk about it. "Should I take a quick run to the bakery to get us a good breakfast?", Alec asked and Magnus nodded thankfully. With a sigh, Alec struggled out of bed trying to keep his balance. "Hey, is everything fine?", Magnus asked but Alec just nodded:" Sure, I just stood up too quickly." Then he dressed and made his way to the corridor to put on his shoes. But weirdly, they didn't fit. In fact, his feet looked swollen. "Alec what's wrong?", Magnus asked but Alec just chuckled nervously:" Somehow, my feet are swollen. Has happened to me before, though." Magnus frowned and left Alec alone. "That was close.", Alec thought and finally managed to put on his trainers and start walking. Inhaling the fresh, cool air actually helped with his sickness and made him feel better in total. At this time of year, people usually didn't go out that early. And usually, Alec wouldn't go out as well but today he wanted a little distance for Magnus to mentally prepare for their talk. Without really noticing Alec was at the bakery and after he got his order he seemed to be walking even faster. Only a few minutes later he found himself unlocking Magnus' apartment. As Alec placed the fresh bread on the kitchen table and didn't see Magnus anywhere he decided to look for him in the bed room. "Magnus? I'm back!", He said and saw Magnus rushing out of the office:" Oh, that was quite fast! I didn't expect you to be back already." Alec frowned:" What were you doing in the office?" He thought it was Magnus' day off so he shouldn't even enter the office. "Yeah, well, I had to finish a little paperwork but I am almost done." Alec rolled his eyes and dropped himself onto the kitchen chair as he was starting to feel dizzy again. "This day off was given to you because you have to relax. You need this. I need my day off. Everyone does." "I understand. It's just difficult.", Magnus stuttered. "What is difficult? I know that there is stuff we don't want to talk about but we have to. We have to talk, Magnus.", Alec said. Immediately, he could see the panic in Magnus' eyes, the fear and the eternal nervousness. "Magnus, calm down, I love you, everything will be fine, there is just something that I have to tell you." Magnus sat down on his opposite, completely calm:" Actually, I go first. I can't do this anymore. I can't try to protect you anymore. I need to protect myself." Now Alec felt the fear rushing up his body, making him choke and gasp for air. Was this the end? Never has Alec been so afraid. "I have been hiding some things from you, Alec. I lied to you and it kills me." That hit home. Alec could feel everything inside of him contract. He felt the same. He just couldn't tell Magnus now. He knew something was wrong with him and he just needed him to open up now and not worrying about Alec's struggles as well. "Work has been stressful and a lot has happened. My boss aka my dad found out we are dating. Since that moment my spot as leading accident physician is in danger. He said he can't trust me with the patients and to do so he makes me work extra hours plus paperwork at home. Work has been consuming me. And then, there was a huge chemical explosions and we were understaffed and flooded with patients and I was in charge and there was no way we could deal with all those patients and I ran into a guy who called me a bastard because he has been waiting for a few hours to get his back checked and I got all mad because there were people dying and we had to room for them but the hallway so I acted very unprofessionally and was rude because of all the stress and pressure and because I knew Asmodeus was watching me closely. Then, apparently that Dude informed the police and of course Asmodeus somehow found out so he sent an email to everyone to watch out for any mistake I make." While talking, tears shut up Magnus' eyes, his lower lip was trembling and he looked as devastated as never before. "So, the day I found out about that email I a surgery went wrong and a patient died so I got in a huge fight but knew I had to act professional and it all is just too much and-", Magnus stuttered but Alec interrupted him: "Mags, it's okay. I am so sorry." "No!", Magnus contradicted," I am sorry for how little time I had for you and for distancing myself I shouldn't be doing this to you. This is all my fault, you don't have to be sorry for anything, Alec." Alec shook his head and sadly looked into Magnus' eyes:" I am sorry you had to go through this alone. I am sorry I didn't notice." Then he pulled Magnus in a close hug. Somehow, this hug felt only partly right. Alec knew he still kept secrets from Magnus but now it just looked as if Magnus had enough on his own mind. "I don't want to bother him.", Alec thought and drew all his attention back to his boyfriend:" You will get through this. I promise."