Hopeless

Chapter twenty-one

It was saturday and luckily, Magnus had his day off. The night was surprisingly chill and Alec already kind of felt like home. This morning Magnus made breakfast. Of course, Alec offered him his help but as expected Magnus told him to rest. "You may feel like you are alright but your body is still healing. You will notice.", he said. As always, Alec accepted. There was no point in arguing anyways. And Magnus was right. His thigh was doing good and he was getting better and better with walking on crutches. The only thing that was bothering him was his chest. His ribs weren't healing well and due to the relieving posture he had troubles breathing and suffered from back pain. This was normal, Magnus said but Alec was just annoyed of it- why couldn't it be finally over? It has been two weeks now since the accident happened and Alec was tired of everything. "How are you feeling? You look sleepy.", Magnus said. Alec shrugged:" I am fine I guess. I just really am tired and feel kind of sick." Magnus bit his lip:" I am sorry. But it's probably just the new meds. Do you want to sleep or should we watch a movie together?" Alec's face lit up:" I'd love to watch a movie!" So they grabbed some pillows and blankets and mad themselves comfortable on the sofa. They cuddled against each other and started some random movie on Netflix. It was about some boy that was deaf and had no friend. During the movie he was attracted to a girl that lived in his neighborhood. She meanwhile was playing with him. It was a touching movie but Alec only watched half of it. He couldn't help himself but Magnus always drew his attention towards him. Alec was constantly curious how it was possible to look as good as Magnus with disarrayed hair and wearing sweatpants and a plus size T-Shirt. He was beautiful. With those brown, cat-like eyes of his. Something on Alec's inside was desperately pulling towards Magnus. And he knew this kind of pulling. It was love. He was in love with Magnus. And he had this feeling since he saw him for the first time. First, he blamed it on the anesthesia, then on the painkillers. But now, there was nothing to blame that feeling on. It felt real. It felt right. Somehow he felt as if Magnus was the part that was missing in his life. He never knew how to describe his dream-guy. Alec always easily fell in love. He expected his future partner to be different. He couldn't say what exactly, but he didn't ever thing of someone like Magnus. He has never been attracted to an Asian guy before. The longer he was looking at Magnus, the more he realized all those crushes he had before were a joke. He used to have the desire to kiss someone. To fuck someone. To call someone his boyfriend. But he never felt something like he was feeling now. He never wanted to call someone his husband. He never wanted to call someone an essential piece of himself. His life. The reason he breathed. Thinking back he realized more and more that he felt this all the time. He just denied it. Pretended to feel nothing. And now he was wondering why- Magnus was the perfect boyfriend. He was caring, handsome, nice, smart, loving and understanding. What could you ever want more? He looked like an angel that rose from the ashes. In this moment Alec decided he would ask Magnus. Not now. He would wait for the perfect moment. But then his doubts came back like waves- what if Magnus didn't love him? What if he only wanted friendship? What if it would ruin their relationship? Alec bit his lip. He would have to think this through. His heart said yes- his head said no. He was ripped in half on the inside- one half of him wanted to pull Magnus towards him and kiss him like he has never kissed before. But his other half was anxious, dying of doubt. He remembered how he asked out a guy in ninth grade. He didn't come out as gay yet. So he asked out the guy he has been in love with since seventh grade. Apparently this was the worst mistake he has ever done. The boy bullied him ever since for being a faggot. After a year he luckily dropped out of school, still this left scars on his heart. He swore himself to never trust anyone with his feelings anymore. He never broke that promise he made to himself. He crushed on guys, but he never gave them this bruised heart of his, knowing they would not want it. But he never really had that desire to. He crushed on them for some months, then it wore off. With Magnus, it was different. "Hey, you okay?", Magnus asked and ripped Alec out of his deep thoughts. Alec winced:" Uh, yes, sure. My mind just kind of wandered to another topic. I am sorry." "Don't apologize." Alec:" I really am sorry. I should've paid more attention." Magnus grinned:" It really is fine. You looked cute." He always does, Magnus thought. No matter when. How could someone be cute and hot at the same time? Looking into Alec's blue eyes was like drowning in an internal ocean of stories. While he thought, he had this melancholic facial expression- eyes wide open, jaw tightening restlessly. He looked beautiful with those distinctive facial traits of him. His large forehead, his deep set piercing blue eyes, his prominent cheekbones and his sharp bra. There was something mystical about him. Handsome with a dash of mystery- that's how Magnus always described his type. Dark hair, blue eyes- a combo he always fell for. But usually those guys were assholes on the inside: Playful, arrogant, scary. Then there was Alec: The opposite. The opposite of what he expected, and exactly what he wanted.