Hopeless

Chapter fifteen

Clary blinked. The hospitals' neon lights shone directly into her eyes. Clary blinked again. "Welcome back, angel.", she heard Jace whisper. Usually, she would smile. Kiss him. Say something funny. But this was not like usual. The memories came back as if someone shot an arrow into her head. And all the pain was back. "I have to see her.", she said with her voice cracking. "Clary... She's d-", Jace started but Clary cut him off:" I know. But she's still my mother." Jace took her hand, but she flinched. Then sat up. It was only now she recognized she was in a hospital. Jace saw her questioning look:" The doctors brought you here when you got unconscious. It's okay, nothing happened." She nodded and stood up. Then she left the room. She spent so much time in this hospital she already knew its' architecture by heart. It was not hard to find the room her mother laid in. She knocked at the door- she used to do that because the doctors told her Jocelyn may hear her. It was weird, because she knew she couldn't. Still, it seemed to be impolite to just come in. "Even though he is dead, I still respect him. I talk to him. I say who he is speaking to. I treat him as if he is still alive.", Jace once said about his father. And Clary was planning on doing it alike. As she entered the room, she saw there was a nurse in there. Her name was Aline. She has been here all the time. "Hey...", Clary greeted. "Hi. I am so sorry for your loss.", the nurse said. Clary bit her lip:" Don't be. After her second stroke, she would not be able to live a life that was worth living in her opinion." Aline smiled weakly:" She was a badass woman, wasn't she?" Clary nodded:" She was. She wanted to explore the world, she wanted to be free. And she lived every second of her life as if it was her last. She lived more than many other people twice her age ever will." It was weird. Clary imagined losing her mother in those past days at the hospital but she imagined it to be different. She thought she would cry, scream, be devastated. But what she felt now was worse. She felt empty. When she looked at her mother, she saw that supportive, beautiful woman she had the pleasure to be raised by. She could see her kindness, smell her power and feel her passion. She seemed full of life. When Clary touched Jocelyns hand, she couldn't imagine Jocelyn being dead. "One day, death will come and cut my string of life. And there will be only one thing you can do to keep me alive- save me in your memories. Lock them into your heart and throw the key away." Those were the first words Jocelyn said after she woke up after her first stroke. And Clary has been thinking about them nonstop since it happened again. So she looked at her mother and saw all the memories she had with her. She imagined hearing her laugh, seeing her smile. She was the one being dead inside. She was the corpse. Clary felt empty. Like a surprise egg with no surprise in it. Like an empty box. Just a case, but nothing inside. And this was worse than anything else. She would rather be in pain, cry, just feel anything. Nothing could be worse than this cold numbness spreading all over her body, from her heart to her fingertips. Suddenly, she felt arms wrapped around her. "Clary, it's okay.", Aline said. A tear escaped her eyes. Just a single one. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get herself to cry more. Just that one tear. The ice inside her froze all the water inside her. So she just stared at the corpse. Wide-eyed, simply stared in astonishment. In a way that disgusted her. It had something animalistic to it. She looked at the woman who raised her as if she was an object. It was terrifying. This was her mother. And she was dead. D E A D. Those four letters burnt their way into Clarys' brain but she couldn't process it. She couldn't process the thought of her mother being gone forever. Out of nowhere, a doctor entered:" Miss Fray, I am sorry but I have to get your mother to the autopsy. The cause of death has to be protocolled and confirmed. Clary just nodded. She has never felt that close, yet that distant to her mother. Then Aline helped the doctor to get the bed out of the room. Clary heard the sound of the door snapping into the lock. Then she was go. "Mom...", Clary whispered. She felt as if her legs couldn't hold her anymore, she crushed onto her knees, "Mom...", she cried. First silently, then she got louder and louder. "Mom!", she cried, "Mom..."She pressed her sweaty forehead against the cool floor:" Mom...", she whispered. Tears flowed out of her eyes wetting her hair, soaking her shirt. She sat on the floor, crying all her fear and sadness out. "Mom..." Clary felt as if the grief was eating her up from the inside. She couldn't breathe, it was like drowning in her own tears. Then she felt arms around her body. Jace'. He must have heard her cry. He didn't say anything, he just held Clary as if she was an antique glass vase that was about to crush underneath the pressure. Clary never felt as fragile as she did in this moment. "It's the moments when you are the weakest you have to be the strongest." Another thing Jocelyn told her. Clary wiped away her tears and tried to take deep breaths. She wasn't a vase out of glass. She was a vase out of thin diamond- seemed vulnerable but was unbreakable. She breathed in and out- for her mother. Because Clary could still breathe and Jocelyn couldn't. She knew her mother wouldn't want her to cry over her. She knew Jocelyn would want her daughter to fight. And this was exactly Clarys plan.