The Key to My Heart (Or to Baz's Diary)

Dancing With The Devil

Simon

It's been a long, emotionally draining day for both Baz and I. Mostly him, though. I've finally come to terms with my feelings for Baz. They're strong, I could picture a future with him, -which is a really scary thing to think about.

I'm still holding on to Baz, he still hasn't finished telling me about what his father had said to him that caused his breakdown in the hallway.

I figure that's okay. If saying it out loud is going to make Baz upset again, I won't say anything. I won't push him to say anything.

Opening the diary will make him upset, though. My brain screams. I have to make a move sooner or later, the Mage will be counting on me to do something against Baz. Though I can't imagine hurting him after seeing all that he's gone through.

Maybe if I don't get too attached to him over this trip, my feelings will go away. I can stop doubting myself and just make a move. I have to keep reminding myself that Baz is only showing kindness towards me because he doesn't want to have to spend a week in his own home like he's living in hell.

The only reason he's acting kind, is so I do too.

Baz takes in a particularly loud breath. It only sounds loud because of the overwhelming silence that has filled the room. The only reason I'm overly conscious of Baz's breathing is because his face is pressed against my shoulder blade.

Baz's next words are half a mumble, half an exhale, I barely catch what he says. "Father says he doesn't know what to do about me."

"Baz- oh, Baz. I-" It hits me that there isn't much I can say in response to that. Not much that can be said to comfort Baz after what he must have went through hearing that.

He doesn't make a move to lift his head from where it's now pressed to my chest.

"Baz. He said that to you?"

"He didn't say it to me," Baz starts. His voice is muffled by my shirt. "I overheard father and Fiona talking about me. That's when he said he doesn't know what to do about me."

Baz is shaking now, I can feel his lithe form trembling in every place that his body touches mine. All I do is wrap my arms around Baz's head and pray to crowley that he doesn't start crying.

I genuinely feel Baz's pain in this very moment. What it must feel like to have parents that love you, I will never be able to understand. What I can understand is what it would feel like to have those people, the ones who love you most in the world, say something hurtful about you.

Baz's is still shaking, but my shirt is completely dry. If Baz hasn't begun crying by now, he probably won't start anytime soon.

Right in this moment I wish I could tell Baz that he is loved. By me. I don't know if I love Baz in the romantic way yet. My heart stutters at the thought. I wish I could tell Baz that after seeing the real him, the raw him, there is no universe in which I would not love the person he is. I hope we can become good friends, then maybe Baz can love me back in a friendly way, too.

But you can't, Simon. My mind screams. What will the Mage think? What will Baz think when you reveal his plotting? What will you think when you realize all of the different ways Baz has planned to kill you?

Just then there is a knock at the door. Baz shifts his head just enough to peer at the door frame. I glance over to the front of the room as well. The door pushes open just slightly, and a pair of female hands slide two plates of what must be our dinner into the room before shutting the door once again.

"Dinner." Baz sighs, peeling himself away from me.

"Do you usually eat in your room?" I ask. "Your family seems like the type to have long conversations over the dinner table. Together."