The Key to My Heart (Or to Baz's Diary)

To Be Wanted

Baz

Simon kisses me again, and this time I don't pull away. This time the want I've been nursing inside me is enough to overpower any doubt in my mind.

My hands thread themselves through Simon's ruddy curls, and he sighs onto my lips. One hand is resting gently at the nape of my neck, another firmly planted at my back. We're so beautifully close, and it feels so good to be doing something other than fighting.

"Baz," Simon gasps as I lightly tug at his curls. I offer a tight lipped smile that I'm sure he can feel more than see.

"Mm?" I hum in response. He pulls back a hair's breadth, enough that the tip of our noses brush.

He grins slightly, and I find myself lost in the boyishness that is Simon Snow. "I thought I was supposed to be the experienced kisser, is all."

I can't help reciprocating his smile then, as the memory comes flooding back to me. "The car," I breathe, and Simon leans his forehead against mine.

The image of us two in a car, driving to this very mansion only a few days ago comes back to me. We'd been expecting Fiona to nag us about never kissing, and Simon was the one to suggest I practice on him.

I grab the front of Simon's pine green jacket and pull until his lips are back against mine. This time Simon gets his hands into my hair, and I practically pur. All of my love from the past few years is going into this kiss, and it's all I can do to keep the words inside. I'm not ready to tell Simon I love him yet.

His lips part in silent invitation, and even with my limited experience I know what he's asking of me. My tongue slips into Simon's mouth then, and my heart is set on fire. I'm so in love with him.

Suddenly the years of waiting don't feel adequate to the sheer pleasure of this moment. Simon, the boy I want to spend my life with, likes me.

It's always felt dangerous to hope. To keep the possibility in mind that Simon could like me. And so I'd never dreamed of this moment becoming a reality.

He pulls away then, and we're both flushed, lightly gasping for breath.

"How long, Simon?" He doesn't break eye contact, and the intimacy in which Simon keeps my gaze is slightly intimidating. I don't look away though.

"It's been festering inside me somewhere for a while, Baz. Everyone putting us against each other must have pushed any feelings for you deep down. Please believe me when I say I've only just figured myself out during this trip, though I don't regret anything. I want to be with you Baz."

Simon's leg is pressed up against mine from where we sit on the tree stump. I look down and realize his hand has a slight tremble coursing through it.

My hand immediately finds itself overtop his, and I'm squeezing lightly. "You're shaking, Simon." He huffs out a breath and looks at his lap.

"It's just, this isn't easy for me. I know I have feelings for you. I know I want to kiss you. It's just the going through with things that's scaring me."

My fingers thread themselves through Simon's, and I'm surprised to find his pulse steady. "I always thought I was the one who had to worry, Simon. You always seem so confident, even when everyone knows you have no clue what the hell you're doing."

That gets a little chuckle out of us both, and he squeezes my hand once. "It's just nerve wracking, ya know?" Simon breathes, and the silence that comes after is almost answer enough.

"It is nerve wracking. I've wanted you for a while, Simon. I'm just learning now that wanting you and actually having you are two very different things from each other."

He smiles coyly, and I elbow him. "I had a feeling you were crushing on me, Baz. Hearing you admit it is strangely comforting."

"Same goes for you," I mumble, but can't help the sheepish grin that creeps into my face. I lean over to kiss his cheek, but Simon turns his head and catches my lips before I can think.

I allow the kiss to linger for a minute before breathlessly standing up. "We should head inside, dinner should be ready soon."

He nods and gets up, our fingers still interlaced as we begin making our way through the woods and back to the mansion.

"Your father might actually be happy for us."
I stop in my tracks then, and since we're still holding hands, Simon is forced to pause as well.

The expression on his face turns to worry as he searches my face. "That's only if you want to tell your father, of course. I didn't mean to suggest anything Baz-"

I drop his hand and cut Simon off when I lunge for him. He's briefly startled, but soon enough I feel the hands wrap around me as tightly as mine are around him.

"Oh Baz," He breathes. All I can do to suppress my grin is bury my face against Simon's neck. Because it's the knowing that my family accepts us. That they're happy for Simon and I. It's almost too much to take in.

"I love-" My breath catches in my throat as I realize what I'd been about to say. I love you. Simon stills around me, and it's all I can do not to collapse right here. "I love knowing that we're accepted by my family, Simon."

The tension in his shoulders releases after realizing I wasn't about to say I loved him. Soon enough, I'll work up the courage to say it. "I'm glad too, Baz. I'm happy for you."

I pull away from him at that, the words hit me harder than I'd thought. I'm staring at Simon for a moment, his words echoing through my head. I'm happy for you.

"Hey," I whisper, moving a hand up to cup his cheek. The sad smile on Simon's face almost breaks me. "This is your family now, too. You're a part of this." He lets out a small whimper.

My thumb brushes across Simon's jaw, and I don't miss the glistening of tears in his eyes. He's never in his life had a father to show him how to ride a bike, a mother to offer him hugs and pack his lunch. The thought crushes me. I couldn't live without the parents I've been blessed with.

"God, Simon," my voice breaks as his world comes crashing down on me. I'm slowly realizing just everything he's been through. Simon's teary eyes are searching mine, and I catch him bite his trembling bottom lip. "You don't deserve the crap life gave you."

He leans his cheek into my hand from where I cup his cheek, and all I can do is watch as Simon's eyes flutter shut almost peacefully. "A family," He mutters, almost to himself. I lean down and kiss his forehead. "I'd never imagined having one." Simon smiles sadly and chuckles. "It's too much, Baz." He croaks.

"Hey," I say. "Simon. Parents are people no one deserves to grow up without. The absence of them is something I can't even fathom being able to live with. I was lucky enough to have my mother for as long as I did, and realizing just what you've grown up with is fucking awful."

I'm breathing heavy now, blinking away the stinging in my eyes. I want to tell Simon more than ever now, that he is loved, but upon opening my mouth to speak, I find my voice doesn't want to work.

"I'm sorry," is all that comes out. Simon leans into me, a featherlight press of lips against mine.

"It's not your fault," he breathes. "It's okay, Baz. I'm okay." He kisses me like we've got all the time in the world. We do, I realize suddenly.

I pull back and look Simon in the eyes with an expression of softness. "I want you to be more than okay, Simon."

"Baz, giving yourself to me has already made me a lot more than okay. I have a family now, I have you, I feel more whole than I ever have in this life." He presses another kiss to my lips, and the feeling still sends my heart into a frenzy. My pulse flutters a little bit every time.

With that, Simon grabs my hand and laces our fingers together. We walk back to the mansion in comfortable silence, each caught up in this new feeling of being wanted. Being had.

Father and Fiona open the back door as they sees us approach, letting us know that dinner is nearly prepared. I see father's eyes flick to where our hands meet, and he smiles. We didn't have to put on a show for anyone in the woods, no one was there to watch us. This is purely for Simon and I. Now our family will know it.