The Two of Us

Mr. Stubbs

"Holy shit, man. You didn't tell me that you keep fucking Aragog as a pet."

Upon entering Blair's room, which was only slightly less organized than the rest of the house seemed to be, the first thing I noticed was the big ass tarantula chilling in the terrarium on her desk.

"You never asked."

"I'm not sure what would possibly prompt me to ask you whether or not you have a spider."

"Fair enough. Could you toss me the goods?"

I pulled the bag of bad movies out of my backpack and tossed them to Blair, who started to get us set up to watch one of my personal favorite shark movies: Jurassic Shark.

"Does your guard spider have a name?"

He was a beautiful boy.

I mean, if he touched me, I probably would have screamed. But still, beautiful boy.

"Of course. His name is Mr. Stubbs."

"That's great."

"Thanks, I thought it was appropriate."

The menu screen of the movie popped up on Blair's laptop in all of its poorly made glory.

"Subtitles on, right?"

"Yes, please."

In case you were wondering why we were going to watch on a laptop, it was because if anybody touched the pristine living room they died.

It was for "display only" according to Blair.

"Okay. Have a seat on the bed, why don't you?"

Abruptly, I was hit in the face with Blair's purple sweatshirt and I fell back onto the bed.

Out of surprise, mind you. Not because I was somehow weak enough to be knocked over by a sweatshirt hitting me in the face.

Just in case you didn't know.

"Alright, that was unnecessary."

She sat down next to me. "On the contrary, I think it was very necessary."

"Well, I—"

"Shhh, the movie is starting."

She then hit play, effectively shutting me up.

Real clever, that was.

The movie was an hour and fifteen minutes of terrible content.

I'd highly recommend watching it if you haven't.

We spent more than half the run time laughing way harder than we should have.

For some reason, every dumb thing that happened was ten times funnier when one of us could hear the other fucking choking.

After the credits started rolling and we could both breathe again, we moved onto Ghost Shark.

It was both somehow worse, and funnier than Jurassic Shark.

We completely lost our shit during this dumbass scene where the ghost shark appeared on a slip n slide and ate some kid.

There was just something about the special effects. They were...sublime.

Imagine I just did a chef's kiss or something as I said that.

Again, it really wasn't that funny, but it sure was to us.

Blair had a really cute laugh.

Have I ever mentioned that before?

Because she did.

She buried her face against my shoulder, trying to regain her composure and failing. "Oh god, that was so bad."

"I know, right? Wait until you see the sequel, Ghost Shark 2: Urban Jaws."

"That title is as dumb as that scene was."

We kept our marathon going well into the night.

I don't know about Blair, but I think I fell asleep about halfway through Sharktopus.

I woke up around like 2:30, I think?

Do you want to know why?

It was because somebody kept poking me.

"Hey dudes, wake the fuck up."

When I opened my eyes, I found somebody with bleached white hair standing in the middle of the darkness.

I jolted.

Hard.

"Leslie? How in the actual shit did you get in here?"

"Uh, hello, I climbed through the window."

Looking to the right, I found the window wide open and a slight breeze coming in.

Blair, who I hadn't realized had fallen asleep with her head on my shoulder, also started to wake up.

My face suddenly started to feel hot.

"What did I say about climbing through my window?" she mumbled.

"Sorry, dude. I was gonna use my lock pick set to break in, but I forgot it at home."

"You always forget your lock pick set."

"I know, man. I'm an utter failure, aren't I?"

"So, what's up?"

"I have a question."

"A question. Couldn't you have just texted me?"

"Maybe. But I was passing by and this seemed more exciting than shooting a text." Leslie shrugged. "Back to my question, though. Which restaurant do you think sounds less shit for a date at two in the morning? That diner downtown, or the place across the street from the library?"

"That diner downtown," Blair answered. "Why? Who are you on a date with at two in the morning?"

"Freddy." Leslie grinned.

'Well, either that was out of nowhere, or I'm a dense idiot that didn't notice that they liked each other.'

'Probably the latter.'

Blair gasped, "I thought you were going to tell me when you asked him out."

"What are you talking about? I just did." Leslie stuffed her hands into the pockets of her leather jacket. "And I asked him out only a few minutes ago. As in, while we were walking down your street. I was like, 'Hey, Fred, I really like you. Wanna go on a date?' and he was all, 'Heck yeah!' So..." She shrugged again.

"Well, good luck. I hope you guys have fun."

"Yeah, good luck, man."

"Thanks, my dudes." She started to climb back out the window. "I'll see y'all tomorrow."

With that, she closed the window and vanished.

Blair and I fell back asleep, pretty much in the same position.