The Shadow of an Angel // JACE WAYLAND (ON HOLD)

I

I couldn't see.

The second conscienceness drifted back to me, bright, white light was all that was visible; all that my senses could pick up other than the roaring in my head. I groaned, throwing an arm over my closed eyes to try to block out that glaring light.

But if this was it...if this was...Hell– surely murderers went straight there– then I had to say, I was kind of disappointed. I expected pain, and torture, and fire, but this was just...it was nothing.

And then the voices started.

"Guys, she's moving."

"Well no shit, Sherlock."

A small smile bloomed on my face. That sounded exactly like something Eli–

My eyes snapped open. I didn't dare move my arm from over my eyes, but from the gaps of visibility I had underneath it...Windows. Stained glass windows. And the smell; it smelled like–

No. Nonononono...

No, I was supposed to be dead. I was supposed to leave this wretched Earth and never–

"Azel?"

The name; that stupid, damned name. I cringed away from it. All it'd brought was truths upon truths upon truths– all it'd brought was corruption.

"Azel, it's me, Izzy."

I shut my eyes again. Please, please just let this be a messed up dream–

To dream, you must be alive. That voice inside of me hissed. Surprise.

"Az–Thea?" Her voice was a mere whisper as she gently grabbed my fisted hand. She didn't try to move it, she just opened it to interlace our fingers. "Alec told me what happened out there– what you tried to do."

Tried. That word echoed in my head– drowned out everything else. Tried. Tried. Tried. I inhaled a deep breath, trying to hold back my sobs as tears started to well in my eyes. Tried and failed. I'd failed.

"It's okay." Izzy continued, her voice still that delicate, soothing whisper. "It's okay if you don't want to to wake up yet. But know that, when you're ready, we're here for you– all of us. We're here to stay if that's alright with you."

My eyes closed even tighter, trying to drown out every bit of light and just welcome that awaiting darkness as I loosed a shuddering breath. With a small squeeze, she let go of my hand, but stayed put in the chair I knew she'd been sitting in. Because I knew this room; I'd woken up in it before months ago. I wasn't supposed to be waking up in it again– I wasn't supposed to be waking up at all.

Multiple footsteps shuffled out of the room, but Izzy remained, her steady breaths keeping me sane a little while longer. As that infirmary room door shut at last, I inhaled a deep breath again, and to no one in particular, I whispered, "I was supposed to die."

The air in the room seemed to freeze over. "Th–"

I removed my arm from my eyes, finally opening them as I stared up at that blaring light, the image slightly blurred from the tears that filled my eyes. "I was supposed to die." I repeated, my voice cracking as a stray tear rolled down my cheek.

I felt him then, standing by the wall across from the overly comfortable bed I lay on. I heard his intake of breath as he opened his mouth. "Rafael saw you– saw what you...what you were about to do." His voice was nothing short of a broken whisper, as if saying the words too loud would make it actually happen. "He got to you before you could cause any serious damage to yourself, pushing the knife up so it cut a thin line from your stomach to your shoulder, but nothing...nothing too deep."

Nothing that would kill me.

There was indeed an ache running through the left side of my body as I finally let my body feel such things– finally accepted that it still could feel such things.

Jace's breaths were ragged, but I kept my eyes on the ceiling above me. "Why– damnit, Az–"

"Why couldn't you just let me die?" I interrupted him. "Why couldn't you just've left?"

"Are you serious right now?"

"Jace." Izzy hissed as his harsh tone.

I ignored them. "I just wanted to die." It felt like the air had been sucked out of the room at my words, growing completely silent. I didn't care, not as I finally voiced the reasons for wanting to leave aloud. The true reasons Azel had labeled as selfish and stupid, and she was right. But I didn't care. "I wanted it over. I wanted the running, the fear, the sadness– I just wanted it over."

"Az–"

I don't know where the strength came from, but within a second, I was sitting up straight, holding his gaze with tears running down my face as I said, "Do you know what it's like, Jace, to live your life in fear? To jump at every touch or breath from even your friends because you can't help but think– that even for a split second– it could be the face of your nightmares finally coming to get you? To be afraid to even become aquatinted with people because you know that even being seen with them puts them in unimaginable danger? To see the faces of loved ones every damned night, now dead because of you? Because you couldn't do anything to save them? Do you know how that feels, Jace? That sadness, that fear, that rage at yourself enshrouding your thoughts, running through your bones every second of every day?"

He remained silent, his eyes empty as they roamed my face.

My voice lowered. "But worst of all– worse than anything else– do you know how it feels to live in fear of being used to turn against people you care about? Being used to obliterate an entire race? An entire world?" My own eyes searched his face, remembering it– remembering how it felt to see him standing there while those Circle members surrounded him, Alec, and Magnus. "Because I do. And I hated it, Jace. And...and I just wanted it gone." I shook my head, more tears falling down my face with the movements. "And now it'll never go away because Valentine will always be out there."

"Azel," Izzy began, her voice that soothing whisper once again. "Valentine will be a threat no matter what you d–"

"But I wouldn't be a threat." I rasped. "If I had just died...I would never be able to hurt you or anyone else."

Izzy's face softened into that of a mother's. I turned away from her.

"How can you be so fucking selfish?" Jace suddenly barked, storming towards me.

"Ja–"

"No." His golden eyes filled with anger as he glanced up at Isabelle. "She is, Izzy. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it."

"She was trying to protect us." Izzy defended me, her chair scooting back as she stood.

"She was trying to save herself." He spat, his eyes focusing on me as he kept talking to her. "Now, if you have a problem with the truth, you can see the door. This is a conversation between me and Azel."

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It's been done! Welcome to the second book everyone, and thank you thank you tHANK YOU for keeping up with it!!!

:))))

Okay, so I know this chapter cut off outta nowhere, but the original one was like 3,000 words and no one wants to read that all in one sitting. So here's part one. Part two will be posted shortly.

Thank you so much to all of you amazing freaking people who have somehow kept with this story!! Love you guys <3

And comment what you think ?

~Leeanna <3