i had a dream last night. i hated that dream, it was the worst thing i have ever experienced.
i was walking with payton down a side walk when we approached an inter section. payton had been moody the past few days, not really moody but something was up, and he wouldn't tell me what. he kept his head down as i squeezed his hand. he looked up with sad eyes. they were glossy and red. he looked around and let go of my hand. he walked into the street as a car speed down the road, barreling towards him. i yelled for him to come back but i couldn't speak. i couldn't move, i was frozen. he looked at me one last time before he jumped in front of that car. that white honda. that license plate that started with a b was red. the headlights we red. the windshield, the hood. his body flung back. far back. i got my voice back as tears streamed down my face. i could see myself crying. my hands covered my mouth as i cried that hardest i have ever cried. i fell to my knees, ignoring the rush of pain shooting up my legs. i screaming and pulled my hands through my hair violently. i got to my feet, tripping over nothing. i ran down the street to the white and now red honda. i couldn't find payton. he was gone, my baby was gone and i didn't even say goodbye. he was the one. everyone said we were meant to be. why didn't he tell me he felt like that. like this. i collapsed on to the car. i didn't care, i just wanted Payton back. my heart sunk. it broke into a billion pieces that were sharp. my emotions turned on me and told me i wasn't good enough. it was my fault this happened. my thoughts became mean and cold. i didn't have anyone else would ever love me like he did. my chest ached and it tightened. i couldn't breath anymore as i felt a pair of hands grab onto me. an arm snaked around my neck and pulled me back. back until i couldn't see that car and i couldn't see what had happened. i screamed his name and maybe hoped that he would return, at least one last hug.
Payton carried me from the couch to his room. i opened my eyes and my whole face was damp. i was shaking and i didn't bring my eyes away from his face. he went up the stairs and gently laid me down on his side of the bed. he crawled over me and ran his fingers through my hair, calming me down. i'm so glad it was only a dream.
