Distant Signals: The Love Between Us

Chapter Seventeen

Arthit could've kicked himself for suggesting to Kongpob that they should study on Tuesday, but it'd come out of his mouth before he had a chance to properly think about it. Seeing Tim tutoring Kongpob and his friends left him feeling off—it bothered him, for some reason—and when he'd seen him outside the canteen, Arthit felt an irrational need to give him additional information about the exam, as if it somehow would get rid of the weird feeling that lingered in the back of his mind. Luckily, being asked about the test earlier had reminded him of the professor's love of parallel cross section, and he decided to share that with Kongpob.

However, offering to tutor him on Tuesday was a spontaneous act, one that surprised even himself. What had he been thinking? Even if he felt a bit better about Kongpob after he showed his sincerity at the flag capturing event, Arthit wasn't trying to become his friend, of all things.

But...they could be friends, couldn't they? Now that the hazing was almost over, it wouldn't be odd for a junior and senior to become friends.

Arthit stopped in front of Double Trouble and took a deep breath, shaking his head at himself. Why dwell on whether or not to become friends with Kongpob? He should be friendly with all his juniors. Dreams or not, kiss or not, he had no reason to try to take their relationship further. Not unless he wanted to get hurt, which would happen regardless of whether Kongpob accepted or rejected him. This was better. If he kept these feelings to himself—locking them away in dreams and fantasies—then society couldn't look down on him for liking a man, and Puen couldn't reject him for it. If he ignored his jealousy and desire, then he wouldn't have to decide whether or not he was willing to be in a relationship where, in addition to simply figuring out how to be in one for the first time, he also had a concern himself with society's opinion on the matter.

He looked inside and saw Kongpob sitting at the same table as before, sipping on iced coffee as he scribbled on a piece of paper. Placed on the far right of the table was a pink milk, presumably for Arthit.

Arthit's swallowed hard. Why was it so hard to think of Kongpob like all the other juniors? Why couldn't he think of Kongpob like he thought of the other juniors? Why did his heart beat a little faster when he caught Kongpob looking at him? Why did he allow Kongpob to cradle his face in his hands and wipe away his tears? Why did he wake up every morning, disappointed that Dream-Kongpob wasn't Real-Kongpob? If it was better—easier—for their relationship to remain as junior-senior or, maybe, friends, then why did the idea of that happening hurt so bad?

Arthit knew the answer. He couldn't say it out loud—hell, he could barely bring himself to think it—but the fact undeniably remained that he liked Kongpob. He wished he could continue to brush it off as mere sexual attraction, but the moment behind the grandstand broke him, and he couldn't deny it any longer.

However, acknowledgment of his feelings didn't mean he planned to act on them, and as he opened the door, Arthit took a deep, calming breath to strengthen his resolve. He needed to treat Kongpob like his junior—not like his friend, and not like he treated Dream-Kongpob. He needed to ignore the way his heartbeat skipped when Kongpob paid him attention, and forget the memory of Kongpob's warm hands on his cheeks and the soft feel of his thumbs gliding against his skin. And, most importantly, he needed to remember that Dream-Kongpob didn't exist, and that Real-Kongpob wasn't him.

Eventually, his feelings would fade. It would just take time.

Arthit ignored the way his heart ached at that thought, and joined Kongpob at the table. "How are you here before me?" he asked, picking up the pink milk with feigned nonchalance. "I left early and I'm right on time." Literally. He'd walked in at the exact time they'd agreed to meet and not a minute earlier.