Distorted

Life Of Sin(Can't hold on any longer)

I put a gun to my ,
And before I pulled the trigger these are my sayings

Dear Everyone

I don't think anybody understands me
Its like they dont see the things that I can see

Maybe I'm not okay today
But for a while I've been falling into the darkness
Of a seemingly bottomless pit
And it feels like all hope is just slipping away

Its really hard to still go on when stuff
Just gets harder and I don't feel so strong and tough
But I'm fucking done with this shit that has gone on
Or I've allowed this shit to go long enough?

See life's like a game
And I dont wanna play it
But i can't pause or save it
And I'm so tired of it i feel i may quit
I feel constipated
Like life is full of shit and i can't take it
I might as well give up on life
I ain't gonna make it
I'm dying
Pills and clyster is what I've been living on
I'm fighting for my life
Everyday is struggle fighting
Urges not to commit homicide with this rope 'n pen
I use while writing or my knife

I'd be lying if I say I've never regretted being born
While I'm weeping screaming
Or even thought of taking,
My own life cause
I'm so tired of it
I try to go to sleep and dream and forever not awaken
But night assault my thoughts
While I'm sleeping
And torment my mind while I'm dreaming
And my life's a nightmare
So it's like the only way I'll rest in peace and ,-
Feel comfortable is if I die
Or that's how its atleast seeming
Cause I'm an insomniac
And I'm so tired of life sometimes I wish
I'd never wake up
Or just cease breathing

A deceased demon you can find me
Living on welfare,
I'm wounded inside
But I can't afford healthcare
Where is the wealth share ?
I feel like I'm dying
I need help
But they say the idea I'm supposed
To earn money myself's fair
And I wish I could work
But my body's broke
And it feels like there's almost less than nothing I can do
A lot of people criticize me
Like they don't understand what's its like
When there's a demon inside
So they call me a liar
But they don't know the pain or stress
And struggling I been through
I'm so lonely I have low self esteem
And no confidants which I could trust
And confide into

I can't even trust
Or turn to and confide in my own family
And doctors aren't even interested in my bullshit
They just want their damm money

And my situation slowly became like this
Ever since September 2015
When I wrote my finals for primary school leaving
And since then I've been suspicious of heaven
When shit just got worse
And I realized everything I've worked
To gain is falling apart
And the stress is all in my head
But it feels like "the pain is all in the heart"
I was almost out of options
Until I picked up poetry
And decided to involve in the art
I felt hellbound
I had no one like life alert to pick me up
When I fell down
On my frail ground
When I moved into my grandma's house
Estranged mentally
And eventually i lost it
And went into jail town

Like my family some people call me
A hypochondriac but trust me
I'm sick of living in this world
Its disgusts me
Sometimes I contemplate killing myself
Wondering if this how life must be
I wonder if it's just me
But see ,
I never had a broad shoulder to cry on
I have never had any parental affliction
I guess bygones

Though it wasn't their fault
I guess some stories do go untold
So I keep crawling and writing
In my diary brawling and crying

Though my grandma and I keep the fighting buzzing
But I guess no matter how much i suffered
From the "fighting " pressure and struggled with strife
Or "i endeavoured in trouble with life "I still love her
See I've always wished I would live a happy peace life
Like some kid
I've always dreamed
And yearned for someone else to love
And care for me
The parental affliction I'd never had
And i remember how I felt about my brother
When he died ,
And the moments I spent with my brother
While we cried

But even my grandma didn't understand me
I was godforsaken by absent parents
And somehow I became this demon monster
But all I wanted was the happy life I hadn't had
Always sad and mad
And acting glad when sad
I felt I was too cursed
I waited and hoped for the best
But in time the pain only grew worse
It's like I was hellbound since birth
So it wouldn't have mattered if I knew first
Of the pain I'd have to endure

What I have
And people judged me
But it pisses me off when people make assumptions about you
When they "dont even know you" :
They don't understand real shit
Or feel it
And I don't really wanna appeal to that demographic
Of people but still spit
I feel like I might quit
Cause I just wanna leave this world
I dont fit in or belong here

Cause although I've been full of ambition
I'm probably going to leave this world
With a bunch of unspoken big regrets
I never became a famous poet
Or made this world a better place

Plus I never apologised to my friends for inexplicably
Cutting out ties
To live recluse
Because I became a nerd awkward socially
I lost almost everybody
Who's ever been close to me
I look at my life and wonder
If this is how its supposed to be ,
This isn't what I wanted
But I guess this is who I'm

Like I said I'm unsociable ,
Emotional and I so tired of life
I don't even wanna wake up in the morning
To go to school
My grades are so horrible
My lifes at stake

Fast forward to the present
I tried to drop out cause physical pain and stress
And to me seemed the people around me
Were showing no care
I've no plans for the future
I'm not going nowhere
But this is where I'm at now
So I feel like its pointless for me to

I've had enough of waiting
To die soon this is torture
I'm constantly feeling out of order and suffocating
Slowly dying from anxiety attacks
My throat always is short of breathe
I hang onto hope's of going to a batter place
They call heaven contemplating
How I may resort to death

I dont belong in this world
I'm a misfit
It's too late
And I guess now it's time for me to face
My due date
This is the result of true hate

                         *_*_*_*

Wasn't to inflict anyone with pain
But just a glimpse of how I been feeling