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XI

Two Weeks Ago - The Rescue

I couldn't believe it. Riley was here. Untying my hands and asking me if I was okay. Of course I was! She's here! Alive. Not sleeping in that damn bed. She's fine. She's walking, standing, talking. Acting like everything is fine, which of course it is! She's here. 

No. It's not fine. I've been sleeping with another woman. A woman who Riley has never really liked. A woman who Riley had been so relieved about when she thought Carol was with T-Dog, because it meant the woman was no longer pining after me. 

She always had a feeling about her. I feeling I proved. And I... I can't even meet her eyes without thinking about the fact that I betrayed her. Betrayed her trust in me. I betrayed the love of my life, the mother of my child, the one person who I know would never betray me. This will crush her. I know it will. I know my wife. 

She's going to hate me. And I can't... I can't watch her hate me. Not her. 

Gods she's beautiful. I don't even care that we're supposed to be escaping right now. I want to kiss her. But I can't. I feel... dirty. Unclean. And I can't get that feeling on her. She's perfect. I thought I would love her, and only her for the rest of my life, however short it was going to be. I thought she would be the last person I kissed, the last person I woke up next to, the last person I touched. Hugged, made love too. But I ruined it. 

I was afraid, and I ruined it. 

And now I know... I know I'll never be able to touch her again. She won't let me. 

Not once she finds out what I did. She'll leave me. I can't watch her leave me. Thinking... thinking she had died, it killed me. And then... there was hope, the blood transfusion could save her. But then, I felt death nipping at my heels again when Carol said that she wasn't going to wake up. When she said that she would stay in a coma, forever. I believed her and Hershel, and I fell into fear. Fear for my son, for myself. 

I didn't want to be alone. Now, staring into her beautiful green eyes, I can finally admit that to myself. I can finally admit that it wasn't just about giving Dale a mother. It was also because I didn't want to be alone. I had someone. For the first time in my life I had someone that was mine, who trusted me, loved me, wanted to spend every minute with me. And I wanted that again. 

I didn't want to be alone. 

But I will be, again, when she finds out. 

I can't be alone again. So... I'll have to keep Carol in my life. She's not the one I want, but Riley won't love me if I tell her. She'll hate me. She'll take Dale away from me. I can't loose Dale, and I can't loose Riley, but when I do... I need Carol. 

I can't be alone again. I won't be able to make it. Not now that I know what love, and family feels like. I mean... it's awful... being alone. 

"I'm sorry." I whispered, staring into her beautiful green eyes, allowing the love, happiness, and relief I felt at her waking up at being able to see her eyes, staring at me with love, one last time, show through my own. I knew this would be the last time she would look at me like that. Like I was the only safe place in her life. Like I was her home. She'd never look at me again that way. 

Honestly, I probably won't even have to tell her. She's so intuitive... she just knows things... as soon as she sees Carol at the prison... she'll know. And she'll look at me, and I'll be able to see the betrayal there. I know I will. Because she isn't stupid. And Carol... well Carol has never been good at hiding anything. 

Riley will know... and she'll never love me again. 

Riley wasn't supposed to live. 

This wasn't supposed to happen. 

Hershel said she'd wake up, but I mean... I didn't believe him. She looked so sick! But he'll go back to her now. I know he will. He loves her. 

He never loved me. He just wanted to have someone. To have someone for his son, for himself. I knew that, going in. 

But I love him. 

But Riley, she's a loyal person. I heard about how she screamed at Lori when Lori wasn't sure about saving Carl. She's never been the same with Lori since then. Maybe... maybe if I made it obvious? Made her get that he is mine, and he'll never be hers again... maybe she'll let him go. Maybe, she'll be so pissed that she leaves. It'd be easier that way. Daryl and I could have children of our own, replace the little bastard, and then he'd have no reason to go after her. 

He'd have me. He wouldn't need her. 

Maybe I could fake their disappearance if they don't leave on their own? I could kill Riley. I could. Make it look like a walker did her in when she was trying to leave. Maybe save Dale, but if he made too much of a fuss I could always just leave him to die too. It wouldn't be difficult. She's still weak from the blood loss, and he's just a baby. 

And I mean, she is reckless, going out a day after waking up? And taking her baby with her? No one would question it if she left. No one would look for her. 

It wouldn't be difficult. 

A/N: For those of you who like Carol... I really don't. #sorrynotsorry 

But also for those of you who are like "wtf is going on with Carol being insane?" Also remember that this is kinda in the time frame of when she executed two people for having the flu. So... yeah. She's not exactly stable. But, she is going to get worse in my story. So... sorry if you like her, but... she's gonna be a psycho bitch in this book.