The Big Book of Poems

Letters to myself

Dear me,

If only you knew what I know now.

If I could go back, I would.

I’d change so much we went through.

Let’s start when we were young.

Those frequent feelings of fear as Dad got aggressive.

Those frequent trips falling to the floor next to the washing machine, crying out of fear.

Those frequent sightings of our older sister crying from fear too.

Those frequent times our oldest sister stood in front of us,

To protect us from him,

She’s only five years older than us, not her responsibility.

Then we were ten.

We found out Mum and Dad were getting divorced.

We reached for the asthma pump,

We had wanted it to happen for ages,

But we were shocked it was actually going to happen.

We were rid of the beast that was Dad,

The best thing that could have happened.

Next we’re in our teenage years.

Mouthy, horrible, aggressive.

Sibling arguments, well that’s inevitable.

We get very angry with our older sister,

So angry.

We chase her around the house, just like he did,

Our oldest sister defends her again,

Except not from him, but from us.

That’s the turning point,

When we realise we’re becoming him,

That’s something that will never happen,

We won’t let it.

Next we’re off to sixth form.

A place to learn academics,

We weren’t expecting to learn a valuable lesson,

That your true friends might not be the ones you’re initially drawn to.

There’s a saying ‘All that glitters, isn’t gold’,

And didn’t we learn that one!

But true gold is buried further beneath the surface,

But we found it, after we dug a little deeper.

If I could say to you, the young me,

“Don’t be scared, everything is fine, you’ll see”,

Then I would.

If I could say to you, the ten year old me

“Don’t be scared, everything is fine, you’ll see”,

Then I would.

If I could say to you, the teenage me

“Don’t be scared, everything is fine, you’ll see”,

Then I would.

If I could say to you, the last year me

“Don’t be scared, everything is fine, you’ll see”,

Then I would.

We can’t change our past,

We take it in our stride,

We can’t change who we are,

And I’m not going to try.

I guess this is just a letter to myself.

Love from,

Me.