This Rebellion Has It's Cause (Austin Carlile)

Chapter 19

With another tour under our belt I and the boys in Of Mice and Men finally returned home and I hated to admit it, but I was honestly dreading the idea. I had gotten so used to Austin sleeping next to me at night that I hated the thought of going back to my apartment to be all alone again. I absentmindedly petted on one of his cats as I waited for him to take me back to my place. I heard the soft squeak of his shoes on the wood floor just behind me before I felt him place his hand on my back against my shoulder blade, I grinned slightly at the fact all of my body's focus went straight to his hand. Austin should probably never know that he has that much power over me. 

"Ready to go Tristy?" 

I only nodded as my mind  began playing countless scenarios of how my night was going to play out.

He walked around in front of me and leaned down to my level as his deep brown eyes searched mine, "Hey what's got you so quiet?"

I sighed and admitted, "I'm nervous."

"About what exactly?"

"Being alone again after everything."

He gave me a small smile before shaking his head, "I wasn't going to ask you about this until I thought you were ready and clearly you are."

When he didn't explain further I rose an eyebrow at him, "Ask me what?"

"Um, do you want to move in with me?"

"Are you sure?" I asked, trying to resist the urge to let my jaw drop.

"Only if you are."

I had to suppress the intensity of my grin as I nodded and a smiled stretched his lips as he pulled me into his arms, pressing me against his chest.

"You want to go get some stuff for just tonight?"

I nodded against his collar bone before he moved back to stand up and then helped me to my feet. He gave me a swift peck on the lips before leading me out the door to his car, still holding my hand in his. I absentmindedly noticed his thumb tracing my knuckles and smiled softly to myself. This was one of the best parts about being with Austin, it was as easy as breathing. I never had to worry about things with him around, he made me feel safe and most certainly loved.

When we reached my apartment fifteen minutes later I was silently begging for Austin to wait in the car instead of tagging along with me. There were a few things I needed to grab that I didn't want him seeing just yet. I had to resist letting out a sigh of relief when he didn't move to unbuckle his seat belt and once I was inside I noticed that I was overly jumpy about any little noise I made, but it was understandable. I was basically a ball of nerves over the plan I had bouncing around in my head. It working would be iffy enough as it is, him walking in on me getting the things I needed for it would be even worse.

I rifled through my drawers until I found my little red dress, well it didn't really count as an actual dress since it was lingerie. I nervously chewed at my lip as I gathered my other more appropriate clothes, making sure to hide the fiery red garment in the middle of the rest. I stopped in front of my mirror making sure the expression on my face didn't give away anything that was going on in my mind and I couldn't resist anxiously fusing with my hair while I was there. I let out a deep breath before exiting my room and then locking up the apartment when I went back outside.  

"Did you get everything you need?" Austin asked as I sat back in the car, completely oblivious to what I was up to.

I nodded, trying to hold back the mischievous smirk twitching at the edge of my lips. 

I was so used to Austin being the one to try things on me, the idea of attempting to seduce him was foreign to me. None the less despite my worries I was fairly excited about it. I'm just so tired of associating being intimate with negative thoughts. I needed Austin to help me bury those memories, he's the only thing I think that can. Well tonight that's exactly what I plan to make happen.

Later in the evening I decided it was time, Austin and I had finally began to get bored with what was on TV. So when he asked what I think we should do I finally let the wicked smirk I had been holding in all day free and he only had enough time to raise an eyebrow at me before I placed myself on his lap, kissing him slow and deep. At first he seemed totally into it, but when I reached to take off his shirt I felt his hands reach up to stop mine. 

He pulled back from me to ask, "Tristan, what are you doing?"

I decided to wrap my arms around his neck before placing pecks to his collar bone murmuring, "I want you, can I not want my boyfriend Austin?"

His hold moved up to my shoulders, moving me so I sat up and we were looking at each other. He sighed softly, "It's not that, I just don't think you're ready yet."

I felt a small tinge of anger at that, so I had a bit of an edge to my voice when I questioned, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Babe, after what happened with Max I don't think you are ready to be with me on that level. This isn't going to help you heal, us having sex won't be some sort of quick fix for it."

"Why would you think I thought that? That isn't what this is about." I argue moving off of him.

"Then what is it?"

I let out a growl of frustration as I got to my feet saying, "Fine, I understand. You just don't want to be with someone that was raped, I get it."

"That is not what I meant. Tristy I'm just trying to protect you."

"From what?!"

"I just don't want you to hurt yourself." He pleaded.

I shook my head muttering, "Whatever Austin."

As I grabbed my phone and headed for the door he got up to follow me asking, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to call Kasey and have her come get me."

Before he could get out another word I stepped out the door, shutting it in his face and when he didn't didn't open it again I let out the tears I had been holding back. I felt like I was dirt, and I knew he didn't want to touch me because that's exactly what he saw too. I have never been worthy of Austin's love and now I never will be.