Our world

Chapter 2

Diary,
It all started my freshmen year of high school. We lived in a tiny tiny town. And when I say tiny I mean teeny tiny. Our town had 1 gas station, 1 corner store, 1 school, and no stop lights. Super tiny.
Being from such a small town had always been comforting, everyone knew everyone and their mother. So of course we made friends from surrounding schools and I was lucky enough (or so I thought at the time) to get my first boyfriend, Christian Collins. He was also a freshman at the nearest high school a town over. Christian was super tall, long dark hair, chunky face and figure. I thought he was so kind, respectful, and genuine that I had hit the jackpot. What drew me to him was his confidence and his ability to always have the right words to say. He had what I lacked. Christian was my other half as well as my best friend and we were perfect together.
Everyday Christian showered me with love and attention. I never had to second guess him or our relationship. I was on cloud 9 and every day just got better and better. I fell in love for the first time and I never thought I would regret it. We spent every night on the phone until one of us fell asleep. Every holiday he would write me heart felt letters. My friends ended up being friends with his friends and hung out all the time. Every football game, concert, school activity, you name it we were together.
I was in love and loving life.
But of course this is not a "happily ever after" story. After 2 years together things took a drastic turn.
Diary, here's where I need to explain something. The reason I am having a hard time after this break up is not because of my love for him. That did hurt me but over time I overcame that. No, this is so hard because of what I did to myself. I became someone I never wanted to be. Someone I am so ashamed of. Toxic relationships can change you for the worse. You hear about them all the time but unless you live it you will never know how much they can effect you.
If any of my friends came to me with my the problems I had, I would talk some sense into them and set them straight. But I didnt go to anyone, I kept this to myself. As a result I became THAT girl. That girl you just want to slap and make her realize how utterly stupid she is.
It started junior year but then senior year changed it all. I took apart of more extracurricular activities at my school. My foucs was on getting good grades, building my trasncript, and getting into a good university. I had band, yearbook, robotics, you name it, and worked occasionally part time. I used to blame myself for this 'drift.'
Sooo naive.
One thing Ive learned is that I put the blame on myself when it was never my fault.
Every time Christian pushed I pulled. I started obsessing with the need to pull and pull. It became super toxic. I wish he would've just ended things. I think we both would've benefited if he did.
I let my anxiety and this toxicity within me over power every ounce of logic I had. I would sneak out or do anything I could to see him. There was this overwhelming need. I needed him and his constant reassurance that he loved me and wanted to give me his undivided attention. Any moment he didn't I would go crazy with worry. My anxiety would build and drive me insane.
He did a good job of keeping me attached though. It's like he knew he was driving me to the point of insanity and kept saying all the right words to keep me by his side. He kept me strung along his web. I see now that I was just a pawn for him to manipulate and play with at his will.
I gave Christian what he wanted so that I could get what I wanted; him. I know, I know but it gets worse.
He started cheating. How he got so many girls I will never know. Being from separate schools helped him play the single card. It also kept me in the dark for a while. The first time I found out I think I sunk even lower in whatever obsession/depression thing I had going on. After the second time, I confronted him. I had all the proof. This fling of his made herself known. Of course he had all the right words to successfully manipulate the situation. I almost started to feel privileged to be with someone that other girls wanted when, in the end, he still chose to be with me.
So I did what any naive, toxic, stupidly obsessed girlfriend would do at that point. I gave him my virginity. Was it for love? No. I knew even then in the back of my mind. I just chose to ignore it. Maybe, just maybe this would make him realize he wanted me just as much as I wanted him.
Looking back at it now I want to say that it was all toxic. I wasn't in love with him anymore. I was just holding on to a lost cause. Holding on to the memories, on to who he used to be, and who I wished he was. I wish I had just let go...
There was never any physical violence. Who needed that when I had enough emotional torture to last a life time. I would defend him to my friends, my family, even to myself. I let others see what I wanted them to see. I never, to this day, let anyone in on how bad he truly broke me. He molded my mind into his play toy.
Even now, when I see him I smile and we have casual conversations. No one knew. I don't think he even knew how much damage he truly caused.
The push and the pull, the blaming, the constant belittling, the cheating, the manipulation... it all broke me. My mind was not strong enough to take it all. I believed what he said whenever he would make me feel low. My subconscious knew it was all bs. But my heart and the part of my mind I chose to hear, didn't.
I gave all that was in me to someone who would never understand nor appreciate what it means to do that. He was just going to take and take and ungratefully ask for more.
He would know me enough to push my buttons and then taunt me concerning my insecurities. He would make fun of me and yet scold me for being way too sensitive. Day by day his tactics wore on and it hit my self-esteem repeatedly until I hardly saw any value in myself. I was a shell of who I used to be; a shadow of his manipulation.

...

Diary, I put up with a narcissist for over 3 years. The sad thing about it was that no matter how hard he broke me down, I got up. I got up only so I can give him more.
Pathetic is what I was.
I used to believe that our destiny together was fate. Even after everything that happened I still believe I won't ever love someone as I loved him. This realization scares me like crazy.
By the time I had left the relationship, I was nothing like my past self. Yes, I eventually ended things.
About time right?
The world was just full of misery. I no longer saw world with rose colored glasses. Love and happiness were no longer what I believed in. Too many cliche romance novels and movies. They were all lies.
I found it hard to stay in charge and control of my life. I sunk deeper into the shadows than ever. I became a mere shadow of myself. I spent many many many weeks with terrible thoughts, memories, and wet pillows.
The grief and pain took so long to heal that at one point I began to believe that I would never be able to pick up the broken pieces. Not to mention never being emotionally strong enough to love again. To me, love wasn't what I used to think it was. I see so so many broken relationships that now I feel like love is just meant to break us all. Some choose to stick with it and others choose to play the field. And that's not what I want.
It's hard to believe I was such a happy girl who loved to live life. I was the type that always had a smile on her face no matter what. I was the one who always saw the positive in all the negative in the world. I went from seeing the world as bright, bold, and colorful to seeing gray and sadness everywhere. I could see it in the eyes of others. There was sadness everywhere. Everyone just got so good at hiding it.
At first, I was ashamed that I let myself be used and abused by him. I would spend long nights beating myself up for being such a naive fool. It was one thing to know that he was a narcissist and there was no changing him but it was another thing to know that and still let myself be tortured by his emotionally draining antics.
I knew better but I refused to do better, and that regret kept coming for me. It was like a poison that helped keep me intoxicated with self-doubt, low self-esteem, and negativity.
He was smooth with his tricks. But tricks are tricks, and no matter how good they are, they don't last.
Christian had gotten one of his many hook ups pregnant. I am so beyond grateful he did. For some reason that is what finally knocked sense into me.
It's been a rough almost two years since I finally ended things with Christian. Trying to piece yourself together while still acting normal and starting my second year in college is not a walk in the park.
I can go on and on but... let's just not ok?
That was that. So now you know. Told you I can rant for a long time. I even make it simple and didn't go into detail.
My hand hurts from writing but I can say that felt somewhat theraputic. I may have to thank Mia afterall.
Now is time to stop living in that past. Fuck him. Fuck the girl I used to be. I need to get myself back. It's time to take control over my life again.
Yours truly, Luna Jacobs