Status Quo | ✓

-7-

I woke up again to the annoying sound of a buzzing phone and it had been going in for a while. Frustrated, I reached my arm out towards the sound and held on it. My eye squinted hard on the lit screen and the name 'Mabel' appeared right in front of my eyes before the call went off and a notification showed up, displaying that the caller had already attempted for the fourth time in a row.

I jerked up at the immediate moment, but Leon held me tight in place and my movement was impeded as I fell back on the couch. Holy hell, what should I do? I panicked internally and twisted at my waist to push on my childhood friend's shoulder, gasping, "Leon!"

"A while more," he murmured.

Mabel called again and I went frantic, nearly dropping the phone on Leon's face. At this moment, I honestly wanted to run away but I couldn't move an inch out of his firm hold. Almost pushed to the limit of wanting to tear up and cry, I pleaded, "Wake up already!"

Leon grumbled and reached his hand out to snatch his phone from me, swiping to accept the call. Out of panic, I held onto my breath as I held onto my dear life. The more I fidgeted, the tighter he held me against him. Leon placed the phone near his ear and yawned, "What's up?"

"What the hell? It took you five calls to pick up a phone?" Mabel sounded angry on the other side.

"What's up?" he repeated, sounding slightly impatient this time.

I couldn't hear anything else because the thoughts within my own fear were louder than everything else that was going on. In order to prevent myself from being found out, I could neither move nor make a sound. Naturally, I curled myself up and prayed desperately for this call to end soon. But goddamned it, Leon buried his head into the curve of my neck and nuzzled against it. A small sound bubbled its way up my throat, and I forced it down. I was going to die of asphyxiation if he decided to let the call go on for a while longer.

Feeling his lips moving upward into a smirk and his breath on my neck, he held the phone away and whispered into my ear, "Breathe, sweetheart. Don't die on me."

Leon sat up and walked away from the couch, ending the call after a few exchanges. After he left me, I took in a sharp inhale to the point that my lungs hurt at the sudden influx of air. I cough and panted, anxious that I nearly died.

A hand patted on my back and Leon asked, "You okay?"

"No shit," I scowled. "I thought I saw Satan in a flash."

"You're not going there, sweetheart," Leon laughed.

"What's the call about?" I asked. "It sounded urgent."

"Nothing much," Leon shrugged, obviously pushing the topic aside.

"Did you not want to talk about it or was it something else totally?" I asked icily, annoyed at the fact that I couldn't figure him out. Suddenly, thoughts about his intentions of allowing me to stay over at his place pissed me off totally. So much, I wished I could slap myself out of my own stupidity.

"Rae?" Leon frowned, facing me with worry and apprehension in his eyes.

I stared right at him, with all the ugly emotions brewing within me. What made you so worried that you couldn't pick your girlfriend's call in front of me? What made you so apprehensive that you didn't even want to answer my question? With a strangely calm voice, I said, "I think I should get going."

"Rae, what's wrong?" Leon asked, looking towards me as though he was trying to read into me.

My guard was already up, and I concealed everything beneath so intricately that he wouldn't notice — I gave him no room to open me up. Grabbing my bag, I glanced towards the clock and was comforted by the fact that it's already half-past eight in the morning and I could take the bus back home.

Just when I was about to leave, Leon reached for my wrist and held me back. He sounded unsure, "Where are you going?"

"Home?" I responded curtly.

The grip on my wrist became tighter and he pulled me back a little. He concerned, "Why are you angry?"

Why am I angry? I kept asking if it was the night we decided to spend together or was it the frustrating calls that shattered all the good that I felt between us? I couldn't understand the pressure clamping against my chest and I was on the verge of tearing down my own pretence and shout my feelings out loud. Yet, I chose the best I could do. Faking a smile, I laughed, "I'm not."

"Rae, talk to me," he requested, with a look of confusion in his expression.

"I'm really good, Leo," I reassured, shaking his hand off my wrist. My mind was begging me to leave because I didn't think I have the courage to stay any second longer without wanting to break down. The ache within my chest felt larger than myself and I felt suffocated when I kept trying to breathe but still couldn't fill my lungs with air.

"You aren't going to disappear on me, are you?"

His question took me by surprise because that was how much he knew me well enough to understand all that I would do and how I would react to every situation. Run, that's what I'm best at. Disappearing sounded great because if I could, I wished I could dissipate into dust right at this moment. I forced myself to laugh again, and lied blatantly, "Never. Why would I?"

Picking all bag from the ground again, I swung the strap of my pulled string bag over my shoulder and attempted to leave again. At first, Leon remained hesitant to let me leave but I managed to excuse myself by saying that I needed to pack so that I would be in time for my trip back home. When he removed his hold on me, I walked out of his apartment without looking back — I didn't bother saying goodbye.

I reached back home in the fastest speed possible and slamming the door shut, I fell on my knees and cried my heart out. I didn't know what I was crying for but maybe Leon was really no good for me. For the first time in my life, I felt so tired and helpless. In all desperation, there were moments I wished I could simply walk over all these feelings and be done with it. But who could explain to me how was I supposed to let go of a feeling that I held on for more than a decade?

My head hurts when I was left with no more tears to cry. When I lifted my head, I noticed that Cotton had curled himself into a ball close to me, brushing his fur against the back of my feet. I smoothed a hand across his fur and the other hand reached for my phone. Noticing that there were a few texts that Leon left me after I rushed out of his apartment, it took me a great deal of effort to ignore them and switch my phone off. I picked myself up and went into my room, chucking some stuff into my bag and carefully placed the pet carrier in front of Cotton. I cooed, "Baby boy, let's go home."

The white cat purred softly and walked into the pet carrier slowly. I handed him a small treat and scratched his head before closing the door of the carrier and left my apartment.

Space. I need space. 

✿

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