Status Quo | ✓

-10-

"Explain," Leon demanded.

"I'm sorry," I apologised.

"Rae, that's not the point," Leon exhaled. "Don't you think it's unfair for me whenever you decide to assume things without even going through me? Since you moved here, I can't figure you out anymore and I'm already at the tip of my toes. Please, just tell me what's wrong."

I finally got it when people said that remorse wouldn't strike like a fist — it rots its way in. That was exactly how I felt right now. Vulnerable, devasted and mortified. I stared at my feet, shifting uncomfortably while feeling like a kid caught stealing from a cookie jar. Except that, this situation was worse than thieving sweet biscuits.

"I always thought that I knew you for my whole life, but you kept pulling yourself away," Leon continued, obviously at his limits. "It was to the point that whenever you leave through my door, I get scared because you looked like you would disappear and go somewhere I won't be able to find you. And when you reappear each time, I have no idea when you'll storm right out again."

I remained silent.

"Don't you have anything to say?" he asked, sounding annoyed.

I kept my head low, not daring to look up because tears started to fall from the corner of my eyes. His anger tugged painfully at my heart and his words felt like needles piercing deep into my chest, while my heart sank so deeply at the disappointment with myself.

Seeing that I remained unresponsive, he reached his hands out to hold onto me and my tears dripped on his outstretched arms. At the immediate moment, Leon softened and pulled me close to him, apologising, "Damn it, I didn't mean to be so agitated. I'm sorry."

I held my hands out and pushed him away from me, forcing myself to keep a distance as I had to compose myself. I was obviously in the wrong and now he was the one feeling remorseful about everything. Simply needing a moment, I breathed out a deep exhale but words still refused to form. Instead, I chose to bit hard on my lip to stifle the cry.

"Rachelle, look at me," Leon said, resting his palms against my cheeks and lifted my head up to face him. Out of panic, I jerked my head to the side and refused to make eye contact with him. He combed a hand through my hair and pleaded in a pained voice, "Sweetheart, look at me, please."

I couldn't even find the right response for him and everything that sounded from me was incomprehensible words through uncontrollable sobs. Leon let out a sigh and his expression looked hurt. Stepping forward, he scooped me into his hold and mumbled, "Gods above, you're breaking my heart."

With a firm sweep, he lifted me up and went towards the couch. He held onto me and patted on my back to soothe my crying. Even when I was trying my hardest to keep my emotions under control, I was terribly vulnerable to Leon — terribly. His every word, emotion, and gesture towards me affected me with an intensity that I didn't understand. In a cooing voice, he kept repeating his apology, "I'm sorry."

When I finally calmed myself down enough to speak, I hastily wiped the tears with the back of my hand and apologised sincerely, "I'm the one who's sorry."

Leon stayed silent for a moment, while his expression fell and his hazel eyes darkened into a dull shade of greet. He spoke with a softer tone this time, though his emotions remained hard and stiff, "Honestly, I'm still mad."

"I understand."

"You don't understand, sweetheart," Leon sighed. "We grew up and live most of our lives together. We were closest to each other before we met every other people. I thought that it would always be that way for us, but I don't know what made you drift away from me. I stop knowing what you're thinking, and you started hiding things from me. Then, there are days when you avoid me as though you didn't want me to be part of your life anymore."

"Leon, I—" I tried to explain but the sudden buzzing from Leon's phone cut me halfway. Glancing down, it was Tyson's name and Leon looked towards me, gesturing for me to give him a minute. I sat beside him and waited while I thought of the sudden rashness I felt a moment ago. What was I wanting to tell him?

"Yo, Mabel and I are heading off to Gabriel's place," Tyson sounded through the phone. "I took your apartment keys with me and you know where to find us."

"Wait, damn it," Leon exhaled. "Can't you just wait for me to reach home?"

Tyson said a few things through the phone, but I couldn't hear the ongoing conversation because my mind had refused to think altogether. Stretching my arm out to pull on the nape of his neck, Leon turned sharply to face me. His hazel eyes widened in surprise, but I didn't care about lying to anyone else anymore. I was solely betting in this wordless truth — a kiss on his lips.

This was when I knew that I screwed it all up because his lips were incredibly soft against mine, but they were cold and unmoving. Leon didn't kiss me back. Too afraid to open my eyes, the unease stirred and grew into a dark abyss within me. Two heartbeats later, I forced myself to open my eyes and all I saw was his pale and unreadable expression.

At this moment, I knew horror was here to haunt me as it came rushing into me like a rolling tide. Leon's unsure expression reached into me, sinking deep and clawing me from within. There was a painful pressure within my chest, and it was a shattering feeling from the inside when I realised that I had treaded down the path of no return.

"Did you get it now?" I forced a smile and pushed myself off him, making a quick dash into my room and slamming the door shut. I was too terrified to know what else could happen from all these, so I clicked the lock. My heart pounded so loudly that I could hear each thump in my ears, and they were amplified by the poundings on my bedroom door.

"Rae, open the door," Leon requested from outside, sounding frantic. "I—"

"Leon, please just let me be," I replied, covering my ears as shame burned like wildfire through my veins. Unfortunately, this was a burn that wouldn't kill because it would be great if it could.

"Rae, can we—"

I was utterly mortified, and it was out of desperation that I pleaded, "Please just leave!"

After a moment of silence, I heard footsteps fading from my door. Leon left because he knew me too well to understand that I meant all the words I said each time. I heard from walk out of my apartment and the main door clicked shut. All that was left behind was the painful tension and deafening silence.

I leaned against my bedroom door and stared blankly into space. I didn't cry that night because I didn't understand the hollowness that I was feeling. 

✿

How would you confess to the person you like?