Wrong

•13•

⚠ Self hatred, talk about eating disorders self harm and suicide ⚠

*Eddie's POV*

Day 3
I was able to find a flashlight a couple minutes ago. I turned it on and it worked! So I started looking around the closet and found some art supplies, including a notebook and a pen. I'm just gonna write since I have nothing better to do.

Poem #1:
Your hair is winter fire
January embers
My heart burns there too

JUST KIDDING! Oh my gosh, that was a funky year...

But seriously, Ben had ONE conversation with Bev and wrote a fucking poem for her about how he loves her.

And then Bev was all like "Omggg it's from Bill" -_-

Day 4
I'm actually gonna try to write something, I don't know if it's gonna be good...

Haiku #1:
I'm such a screw up
But you're so amazing
I just want to die

That's depressing...just like me!

Funny thing is, when I was writing that, I wasn't thinking about Dan... I was thinking about Richie.

Not Richie now of course. I was just thinking of the old times back in Derry. When we were trying to date in secret, but it didn't work.

I mean, it's not like I still have feelings for him.

Day 5
I'm kinda getting hungry. Even though I don't eat much, I try to have one meal every so often. So yeah, I want food.

I WANT food. That's crazy to think about. I should never want food. I'm already fat, and it's not like I deserve to eat anyways.

I really hope nobody finds this notebook/journal thingy. Stan and Dan can't know about my "Reddie" past. Richie can't know about my eating issues. The other Losers can't know about ANY of this. Those are the only people in my life who care about me.

I've tried to make friends here, but it's hard. They'll be like "What was your childhood like?". What am I supposed to say to that?!

"Oh, so my mom abused me mentally and physically. She forced me to take medicine and she made me go to conversion therapy. Because I'm gay. Which still isn't really accepted.

And I can't forget about the summer going into high school! A demon clown tried to kill my friends and I and all of the kids in the town. My friend's brother, Georgie, was eaten!"

They'd just think I was insane and try to bring me to a mental hospital...so yeah. No friends.

Day 6
I'm still getting water every day, but I really need food...

Shit, I think someone's coming. What if it's the Losers?! And they see me like this, and they judge me, and Dan yells at me for telling them, and-

The door slammed open and I shut my eyes. It was so bright outside, and the only light I've gotten for the past week is the yellow-tinted glow of the flashlight.

"I decided to give you some food," Dan grunted and threw a box at me. "You're welcome."

"Th-thank you so much D-Dan!" I said while opening up the box. He didn't answer me, just closed the door shut again.

Inside was a piece of dry, cold chicken, some strawberries and a couple stale crackers. It might not be the best quality, but I'll take what I can get.

I took a small bite of the chicken, savoring the minimal flavor. It was so good to eat, but I knew my stomach would get upset if I ate everything, so I just kept taking the tiniest bites of chicken.

After I was done, I closed the box and put it in the corner. I'll save the rest for later. I don't know the next time I'll get to eat, so I have to proportion it.

I turned the flashlight back on and set it up where it would shine down on the notebook. I picked up a pen and the book and started writing again.

Haiku #2:
Scarce food for Eddie
But I guess he deserves it
Cuz he's fat enough

This time, I decided to write it in a 3rd person point of view. Again, another depressing one, but that doesn't matter. Dan gave me food!!! I'm super happy. Hopefully he lets me out soon.

I miss talking to the Losers, especially Richie. He can always make me laugh, even when I'm feeling down. So I know he could help right now.

Day 7
I didn't have any of the food today. There's 3 crackers and 5 strawberries. EIGHT pieces of food!! That's awesome!!! But I still need to save them.

Also, I'm feeling kinda sick from the chicken. I hadn't eaten in a week, so having food in my stomach felt weird.

But ya know what? This is good. I deserve this...

Anyways, I wrote down some funny stuff that the Losers have said. I think that if there's a really bad day in here, I can just look back at these pages and feel better.

Richie: FOUR MONTHS
Me: Stan, what's he talking about?
Stan: It's nothi-
Richie: YOU LET ME WATER A FAKE PLANT FOR FOUR MONTHS

Richie: People are like slinkies
Me: How?
Richie: They're pretty useless but you can always have fun pushing them down the stairs
Me: Richie, no-

Richie: *Richie walks up to Stan with his camera* Smack cam!
Stan: Bitch I hope the fuck you do, you'll be a dead son of a bitch I'll tell you that

"Not only am I baby, but I'm also a dumb fucking bitch!" I said that one after Richie kept calling me baby.

Richie: Eddie, I guess you're pretty fuckable.
Me: Thanks..?
Richie: BUT I'D LOVE TO FUCK YOUR MOM MORE!

Richie: *sneezes*
Someone: Bless you
Richie: Oil me up Daddy! It's dinner time and I'm a little soup boy. Chompa chompa.

I laughed as I wrote down all of it. As awful as Derry was, the Losers still made it great. I really miss them.

I haven't been to the Potluck in 2 weeks. That's the time when we can goof around and act like little shits. It's amazing...but I haven't been able to go.

Every day I'm in here, I lose more and more hope. I just want to die. I'm actually nervous about when Dan let's me out. I haven't cut in a week, and the urges are getting stronger. I don't think I'll be able to resist the temptation once I'm out.

Dan hates how I am. Richie and Stan must think I'm a freak. The other Losers would too if they knew. I'm so fucking worthless.

I wiped away the tears that had fallen down my cheeks. Picking up the notebook and pen with shaking hands, I wrote down one last sentence.

I'm going to kill myself as soon as Dan lets me out.