Whole

Chapter 38

Masato's POV

I felt the nerves claw at me as we strolled along the Hori river. Kat took my arm, pulling it around her shoulder as her arm wrapped behind my waist and she smiled at me. I thought there were other times, I'd never feel so nervous, like when I asked her to be my girlfriend, or when I played her 'Whole'. However, right now, as the anxiety took it's hold on me in a death grip, this was the moment.

This was going to be make or break for us, and our whole future rested in how she responded. Time was ticking, I knew that, and so did she, with neither of us getting any younger, I had to do the right thing by her.

I knew she loved me. I knew she was so willing to stand by me and tolerate this life for as long as she needed, but it wasn't right. It wasn't fair on her, and I was selfish for making her go through it for this long. I couldn't keep putting her through the constant goodbyes, long periods without each other, skype, and phone calls. We were both wearing thin of it.

So, I was going to tell her what I'd told the guys two days ago. I was going to lay it all out on the table. What happened after that was all down to her.

If I knew her as well as I think I did, I knew it would be okay, but the thought didn't settle me much. There was still a way this would go wrong. I was hedging all my bets into one basket, and all I could do was pray the gamble paid off.

"Recognize this spot?" I asked as my feet stopped walking, causing Kat to stop too.

"Of course I do, it's where you asked me to be yours, officially. Although I already was." She looked at me with a sweet smile as her hair moved in the gentle summer breeze.

"And I was already yours, I always have been, and I always will be." I let go of her hands, wrapping my arms around her shoulders as hers rested around my waist.

"And I'll always be yours. Thank you for today, it's been amazing." She smiled softly before she tip-toed to touch her lips with mine.

"Nothing but the best for my Koneko. But, Kat, there's a reason I took you to that restaurant and brought you to this spot."

The words caused her eyebrow to raise, "Oh?"

I looked over my shoulder at my surroundings, making sure there were no prying eyes or ears. Thankfully, because we'd gone to meet the guys and her friends for a drink after the meal, it was almost eleven at night. The streets were empty, besides one guy walking his dog in the distance.

I took a deep breath, knowing it was now or never.

"Six months ago, we decided to separate for a month. No calls, no texts, Ryo not telling us a thing about the other, total cut off. That month? I have never been so miserable. It was to the point, although I played the part, I couldn't even enjoy being on stage. I stopped loving and caring about the thing I've wanted to do my whole life. I stopped caring about my dream, and I know the guys felt the effects of it. My heart wasn't in it anymore, because it felt it had been ripped out."

I took another breath, willing the lump that was forming in my throat to go away as she looked at me with searching eyes.

"I kept sitting there thinking how on earth was I supposed to let go when all I knew was to hold on? Every memory that you left stopped me from moving ahead. I said I'd try and live without you, but I had to lie so damn much. I have never cried so much in my entire life, every night, in my bunk, while they partied or slept. All you ever asked of me was to love you as I do, and I felt like I'd failed, epically."

"Masato-"

I shook my head and stopped her words. I had to get it out. I had to spill everything; if she began to talk, it would never happen. "Kat, please, just let me finish, I promise I'm getting to the point. Anyway, after that month was up, I'd made the plan to come out to see you. I was only going to have a day, but I had to see you. However, as I stepped off the bus, you were standing there, in England, waiting. I'd never been so fucking happy. I think we both learned a lot in that month."

Her head nodded slowly. I knew how she'd felt in all of it, and it was the same as me. When I saw here there, nothing else mattered, I ran to her, I held her so close to me, and I didn't let go for a long while. We both stood there in glorious England rain, mid-November, getting soaked, doing nothing but hold each other.

"Since we agreed to put the past behind us and move forward, together, I really started rethinking everything. Two days ago, the guys and I sat down and talked, all of us sharing where we stood in the band in terms of our future. We have one album after Fateless left on this contract. Eighteen months at best. Sugi's Mrs. Is pregnant. Katsuma is starting to do other things with his drumming. Ryo wants to think about settling down, and Yoko, well, he's Yoko. We all know none of us are getting younger, and hell, I'm the youngest."

"So, we agreed, after the final album, that was it for Coldrain, at least as it is. It'll be about two years before it entirely comes to a close, and it will be a hectic two years at that. But, whether they agreed or not, I already knew I was going to bow out. I want my life to start with you now, Kat, I'm tired of living this life now. I still love it as much as I did when I started, but I realized I need to do what I should have done, to begin with. Make you my number one priority. I began to regret ever putting our relationship on the back burner for my selfish dreams. So, I guess what I'm saying is, two more years, Kat, that's all. This is my choice and mine alone. Whether you're still with me or not, that's what I'm going to do. I'm telling you this because now you have a choice."

I saw the tears gather in her eyes, and I could tell she was trying to fight them back, allowing me to finish. "Okay, what's my choice?"

"This is me, Kat, just me, plain ol' Masato, saying I'm so beyond ready to start my future with you. No more waiting, no more holding back." I pressed my lips to her forehead before I released her, reaching into my back pocket.

I stared into those hazel eyes I loved so deeply as I took a shaky breath. This was it, make or break, and I just had to pray it wasn't break.