Lee Felix Is Not Okay | Changlix

Chapter 4

Felix broke down. He was really going to tell Chan everything. Maybe it was a good thing, perhaps he wouldn't have to carry the weight of his problems alone now. He honestly felt bad that he had to burden Chan with his problems, but in this moment it felt more sensible than suffering alone.

Felix looked Chan in the eyes with his tear stained face. He struggled to get his words out. It was hard after going so long without telling anybody, even if they all knew something was wrong anyways. Now Chan was about to be the first one to find out what exactly was wrong.

Felix took a deep breath and Chan nodded at him as if to encourage him to speak. First, Felix rolled up his sleeves. Chan's breath hitched as he finally got a chance to see Felix's arms fully. They were worse than he thought. Tens of cuts, most new, some maybe a few weeks old, but all cuts. Chan's eyes were watering.

"Oh my god..." As he spoke, his words shook. He waited for Felix to begin talking.

"...First of all...as you may have noticed, I've had really bad anxiety for a while...I thought I was done with it but it just kind of came back I guess," Felix paused, preparing to continue "Also...I think I might have feelings for Changbin." Felix's breath hitched as he admitted this out loud.

Chan moved to put his arm around Felix's back, a comforting motion. "Yes...I've noticed your anxiety, especially in public places like the JYP get together..." Felix flinched, he was hoping Chan hadn't seen how bad he was then, but honestly, how could you not have noticed? "And, it's okay if you like Changbin. What's wrong with that? He probably likes you too, after all." Chan giggled lightly to try and clear the tension in the room but the air felt just as thick.

Felix was silent for a little while before he continued talking. "I just...I don't want to be...gay..." Felix said the word quietly as if it was a sin to even be saying it at all. Chan looked surprised at the other boy's words.

"I thought you were fine with that, we always make it clear that we support that community, Lix." Chan was even more worried now. His eyes darted to different places around the room, trying to find something to look at while Felix refused to look him in the eyes. The room was silent. All that could be heard was the faint yelling of Seungmin, Jisung, and Jeongin on Mario Kart and the two nervous boys breathing.

Felix coughed and spoke up. "I do support that. But just not for myself? I don't know Chan...I just feel like I'm doing something wrong by liking him...I feel like I would just look at myself with disgust if I liked boys." Felix had spoken fast, as if he would lose the words if he didn't speak them now.

Chan turned to Felix and pulled his shoulder, forcing him to look him in the eyes. "Are you really worried about your own opinion, or are you worried about everyone else's?" Felix held his breath, he was shocked. Chan took this as a sign that maybe he was right.

Felix thought about it for a while. Maybe Chan was right, maybe he was worried about other people. Did he not want other people to look at him in disgust? Felix would have to ponder the idea more.

"I don't know honestly. Maybe you're right. All I know is that I feel like it's eating me up inside. It makes me want to die..." Chan was sad for Felix, wouldn't you be? "I've had so many intrusive thoughts lately. It feels like everyone around me is just waiting for me to kill myself. I feel like no one actually cares about me, like they're all pretending." That was all it look for Chan to pull Felix into him and hug him tightly. Felix was breathing quickly.

"It's all okay, Felix. We all love you and care about you so so much. We would never want you to go away, please don't do anything dangerous. The world would be miserable without you," Chan was rambling and he was almost crying, Felix, however, was crying. He was crying hard. It felt good to feel cared about. He wished he could feel okay forever but he knew it wouldn't last.

"And please stop hurting yourself, everyone would be devastated if they wound out. We don't want you to be in pain, Felix." Chan finished. Felix stayed silent.

They sat like that for a while before either of them let go. Eventually, Chan left after telling him he had better go fix dinner. He left Felix with words of advice. "Seriously Felix, we all love you so much...and maybe you should try to talk to Changbin. He's been pretty down since you guys stopped talking..."

Chan was right, he should talk to Changbin. But maybe not right now...he was too emotional to function right now. So he decided to shower instead and get ready to sleep. He wasn't going to wait on dinner. He wasn't hungry.