Forbidden Love

Chapter 4 ~ The Edge

Today was drearier than the glorious weather of the day before. The scattering of cream coloured clouds in the sky was making it a lot shadier outside. Molly and I were sitting by the ponds; I had been thinking about the near miss kiss all night and morning. I don't know what thinking about it would do, it was a memory now. It seemed more distant than ever when I woke up. I'm really starting to think that I had just imagined it. Zoning out was a natural occurrence for me. I was hoping we could be alone today but just as that thought came across my mind, Sod's law kicked in. Robert and Kellin were heading straight towards us ...

"Morning," sung Robert.
"How are you today?" I asked, looking at the both of them.
"Great thanks," Robert stretched, sighing dreamily.
"What about you Kellin ?" I peered at him, but he didn't look at me.
"Alright thanks." His voice had no energy, he seemed tired.
"Oh damn it!" Robert glanced at his wristwatch, "I need to hand in my assignment to Mr Murdoch!"
"Want me to come?" Of course Molly wouldn't miss an opportunity to be alone with Robert.

I looked on with woe as they both faded into the distance, neither me nor Kellin spoke for the first few minutes.
"Look, Scarlett..." he broke it first, "about what happened when we went to town, it was...." He paused for a long moment and my heart filled with hope. "It was a mistake. I'm really sorry..." A dagger of disappointment slashed straight through my heart strings. What? Why..? Why was it a mistake? I don't think he likes me...Wait! Why would he like me? I've been an idiot to think so... Questions swarmed my mind. His eyes searched my face.
"I understand," I came to the conclusion that he just wasn't interested. I've never coped well with rejection.
"It wouldn't work out..." he murmured, his voice low and croaky. What's that supposed to mean?

"I need to go." He finally said, you could literally feel the awkwardness. Hastily enough he was gone too, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I don't understand. My head fell into my hands, I closed my eyes and tried to relax my tense body. The birds sung all around and the sun warmed my back. I felt rejuvenated for the time being. Why am I even feeling sad about this? I have barely had a full conversation with the guy. Finally, there it was, the epiphany I'd been hoping for. I had nearly let this get the better of me, well not this time. I picked myself up and slowly wandered back to the dorm.

.................

Dinner was eerily quiet that day. There weren't that many people in the hall, just a few clusters of students sitting here and there.
"Aw, that's pretty," smiled Molly, gesturing toward my silver wristwatch.
"Thanks," I tried smiling back. "It was my mother's..."
"Oh..."

I remembered a lot about my mother from the little time I knew her. She had the most beautiful brown eyes that shone like large polished concurs. Her long auburn hair rolled like a crashing wave on her cream skin. The thought of her sweet lavender smell warmed me. Molly rubbed my shoulders.
"How about we go back up to the dorm, put a good old film on and I'll even make you a hot chocolate."
"Okay." I smiled weakly, it seemed like she always knew what to say.

..............

Later that night I found it unbearably difficult to sleep again. No matter how many times I closed my eyes, I remained wide awake. Thoughts of my mother and father whirled around my skull. I've never had someone that has genuinely cared and loved me since my mother, I've never had someone who knew every little thing about me, but still loved me regardless.

** Father was out cold, sprawled across the couch by the fire, empty whiskey bottle in hand. The floor looked like a galaxy of twinkling stars, each shard of glass caught the light of the flames making tiny reflections on the walls... I found the largest piece, the sharpest piece, something that would do the job, numb the pain... I ran as fast as I could to my bedroom and bolted the door. With my weapon in hand I took out my wrist. Slowly I pressed down, harder and harder. Billows of red dripped down my arm. I squeezed my eyes shut through pure agony. I don't want to do this anymore... that's all I could think of. **

Feeling my wrist, the bumps were smooth under my fingers; I felt the same wanting sensation... I can't take it anymore. Jumping up I flew out of the door, down the hallway to the balcony. The tears were unstoppable and my cheeks stung. I haven't cried like this since.... Hauling myself up I now stood on the great edge. It felt like the edge of the world, all it took was one step, then it would stop...

I remembered that in reality I'd fake all the smiles if it would stop all the questions. My whole life was a lie. A lie I was living every day, too good even I was starting to believe it. The wind was encircling me like wanted to push me over the edge. The cold air caressed my legs and arms. The tears on my face blew away. I closed my eyes. This is it...