i'll be good // e.d

14. not good enough

^song : 2 hearts/diveliner

ethan's pov
3 day later
9:34pm

she had sent multiple messages over the past three days

2:04am
lana
eth, we need to talk. im sorry

4:24pm
lana
please, its important

6:18pm
lana
im so sorry eth. its my fault. i know you're mad, I shouldn't haven't gone.

8:22am
lana
i'm really sorry

6:30pm
lana
ETHAN. please answer me

7:15pm
lana
stop shutting me out

2:28am
lana
stop doing this you're hurting the both of us

8:44pm
lana
fine do what you want, but just know that im extremely sorry

1:23am
lana
i love you

she didn't mean that

i'm not good enough. it was plain and simple. i just wasn't.

i wasn't mad at her, i was mad at myself. it was always my fault

but just as i always did, i'm going to shut her out. she's used to it and that hurts me even more

i wasn't even sure she wanted me back like i want her and it wasn't right of me to assume. for all i know she could want that other guy.

grayson was at a girls house for the night so luckily i was alone. i laid on the couch in the pitch black. the fan was on and the cold air blew on my face, a blanket thrown over my bottom half. it was like isolating myself from the world. it was raining so the soft pitter padder on the roof was calming in a way.

alana loves the rain

*
"why do you shut me out?" lana asked as she propped herself up on the bed with her elbow

it was pitch black so i couldn't see her face but i could see her outline of her body. the rain hit the glass panes of my window keeping away the silence

"because i'm scared." my eyes were now locked on the ceiling, watching the fan spin uncontrollably.

"of what."

"my feelings, the truth."

"but why?"

"because i can't deal with them. i can't hurt you."

"it hurts me when you shut me out." a tear was highlighted on her cheek

"don't you think i know that?" i propped myself up to face her

"then why do it ethan?" she continued to question

"because i don't know how to deal with it okay? my love for you is so strong and i don't know how to deal with it so i shut it out, it almost hurts to love you." i paused. "no it does hurt, it hurts to know i can't be real with you or myself and make you mine so i have to watch you go about your day without being mine knowing someone could come and take you a way from me."

a silence fell, our breathing and the rain was the only thing heard. she leaned into me and pressed her lips again mine, molding them together. her slightly tear wetted cheeks met mine

"but i want you" she breathed onto my lips
*

that was the first time we had sex. it was full of love, lust, hate and forgivness. the night just raged on

and it still hurts to love her, it always has. knowing i could never get over myself enough to fully make her mine, killed me. seeing her get drunk at parties and mess around with guys killed me. seeing her depressed and lonely killed me, seeing her be beaten by someone who doesn't even deserve to know her, killed me. it hurts to see her every day and know she's not mine but the thought of not seeing her anymore literally made me feel sick to my stomach. it wasn't fair for her and it wasn't fair for me.

i 've never wanted to admit it but we are toxic

always have been

headlights beamed into the windows and lit up the wall. the car engine turned off and the door opened and close with a slam. i didn't even bother to look.

a fist was soon pounding on the door.

"ethan stop shutting me out!"

alana

her voice laced with hurt and anger.

she continued to beat and bang

"i know you're here! your car is here."

i took a huge breath

"ethan come on, stop doing this, it's only hurting me and you and you know it. i love you so much and i know you feel the same. it hurts to love you but being away hurt more. so please let me in. stop doing this and let yourself become vulnerable for me and you. PLEASE." she was crying

tears streamed down my cheeks as her words of truth took over my body. it was like she was stabbing daggers all over my body. i got up and ran my hand through my hair and rubbed my jaw.

i turned the door knob and swung open the door to reveal a very tired and hurt alana. tears were streaming down her cheeks. the rain matted her hair to face. her shirt was soaked and her mascara ran in black streaks under her eyes. neverless she looked amazing. she stood in front of me and i stared down at her. i grabbed her by her bicep and pulled her inside. i closed the door and pushed her into the wall, wrapping my hand around her throat, gently.