Running from You

25

"You know, that's not really talking".
I've never felt the need to slap myself more than I do now. Of course, this is the only thing I can manage to say after I've just been kissed by the guy I'm madly in love with. Lucas is staring at me, and he blinks a couple of times. He takes his hand off my face and folds his hands together in his lap.
"I didn't really mind though" I quickly add. "In fact, it was quite good... Uhm, great. Uh, I uh... Shit".

"Do you need some time?" he asks gently. I scan his face. He looks genuine, not mocking. He's clamping his hands between his knees, trying not to fumble with anything. I try to calm my brain for a second, ignoring all the questions that are popping up in my head. Only one of them seems relevant right now.
"You like me?" I ask. "Romantically?"
"Yes" Lucas says, looking me deeply in the eyes. I can tell he's being serious. And that's all the confirmation I need.

I hold him by his neck, lean towards him, and kiss him. I can hear his breath hitch a little, as he carefully kisses me back. I wrap an arm around his waist, holding him closely, and run my other hand through his hair. He puts his hands on my shoulders, squeezing them a little. There's fireworks going off in my stomach, my head is rushing, I feel dizzy. It's a strange kind of happiness I've never felt before, but always imagined. It's a kind of happiness I've come close to, every time Lucas fell asleep on my shoulder or hugged me or smiled in his sleep when I tucked him in. It's the chills going through my body, my stomach feeling like it could explode, my mind going blank, but all in a positive way.

Carefully, he moves his hands up until his arms are around my neck. I take my hand out of his hair, and place it next to me on my bed so I can lean on it, steadying myself. My heart is beating faster than it ever has, and that's saying a lot after the two weeks I've just had.

Ultimately, we both need oxygen, so he pulls away and moves backwards a bit. His arms slide back down, and he places his hands back into his lap. I take my arm off his waist too, and lean my elbows on my knees, putting my chin on my hands. We sit in silence for a minute. I close my eyes, catching my breath while hoping my heartbeat goes back to normal. It's scary how little control a human has over that.

Lucas is the first to break the silence.
"That was... Uhm..."
I look at him, not moving my head. He's staring at his hands, his cheeks a furious red colour.
"Yeah" I say, even though I'm not sure what he was going to say. Maybe he meant to say it was horrible and we should never do it again. He doesn't say that, luckily. A smile breaks through on his face, and he looks at me. I smile too, straightening up a little as I carefully hold his hands.
"Good" he finishes his sentence. "It was very... Good".
"Let's do it again" I decide. He giggles, a wonderful sound that makes my insides melt, and presses a short, slightly awkward kiss on my lips.
"Let's talk first" he says.
"Yeah, your probably right" I say, nodding. "We really should talk".

Because as happy as I am right now, there's still doubts in my mind. Everything is going to change now. For the better, probably, but it's still scary.

"Okay, first off" I say, mentally preparing myself for the conversation.
"What are we?" Lucas asks. "Am I your boyfriend now?"
I smile, a little uncomfortable.
"I think I am" I say. "But we don't have to label it as anything, if you don't feel comfortable..."
"I do!" he says quickly. "Listen, I like you a lot. And I want to be your boyfriend, and I want us to be a couple".
He reaches out for my hand, and I take it. I watch as he intertwines our fingers, just like he did at the train station.

"But I don't want to just be your boyfriend" he says. "Because if we'd ever break up..."
"We won't" I say, more confident than I know I should be. "But if we ever do, we're still best friends".
He smiles at me.
"Above everything" he says.
"Above everything" I confirm.
I instantly feel more comfortable upon this agreement. This was exactly the way I felt too. I'm his boyfriend, and I'm thrilled about it, but I don't want it to change our friendship. I just want it to add to that.

"Second" I say. "Are we going to let people know?"
He tilts his head a little.
"Jay's going to find out" he says.
"She's probably going to smell it from our breaths or something" I say, rolling my eyes. "But I mean the entire world. Landon, my mom, your parents..."
His eyes widen a bit, and his grip on my hand strengthens as he bites his bottom lip.
"I don't know about my parents" he mumbles.
"That's okay" I say, squeezing his hand a little. "No pressure. I just want to see where you're at".
He smiles at me, and calms down a little.
"You're right. I just don't know what their opinion is on LGBTQ+, and I don't want to accidentally tick them off when I've already cost them an extra plane and train ticket".

"Right. About that" I say.
"Oh, right. Paris" he says, and he shifts uncomfortably. "If I'm going back, it's going to be hard".
"It was going to be hard no matter what" I say. "But I'm willing to try".
He smiles at me.
"Me too" he says. "And if it doesn't work out..."
"We're still best friends" I remind him. "And then when you come back, we'll figure it out all over again".
"Okay" he says. "Yeah, that sounds good".
He takes a deep breath, and looks at me.
"Was that it?" he asks.
"I think it was" I say. "Can we kiss again now?"
"Hell yeah" Lucas says, before wrapping his arms around my neck and pressing his lips onto mine. I smile against his lips as I wrap my arms around him. He makes me so happy.

We spend the rest of the night kissing until my mom comes home. That's when we go downstairs to watch Friends and eat chips. I'm going to tell my mom about us later, I've decided. I know she'll be happy for me, so I'm just a little nervous, but tonight has been eventful enough and I just want to hang out with my best boyfriend and eat junk food while watching a show I don't even like that much.
"Dean, if you had to chose someone, who do you like best?" Lucas asks, gesturing towards the six friends on the TV screen.
"I don't do celebrity crushes, they're weird" I say. "But Chandler".
"I like Joey" he says.
"Maybe Monica. I liked her with the short hair" I add.
"I like you the most" he mumbles.
"That's sappy" I say.
"I'm sleepy, let me be".

We watch the show for a very long time, and eventually, I feel weight drop onto my shoulder. I'm slightly dissapointed, because I don't want to sleep yet. But, when I look over, I see Lucas isn't sleeping. A smile comes to my face as I watch him. He looks up, and smiles at me for a second, before turning back to the screen. After a while, he does fall asleep though. I gently stroke his hair, feeling satisfied when he smiles in his sleep.
"I love you" I say quietly.
His smile widens a little.

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