Brian: Dolphins are banana-shaped whales.
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Crowley: Can anyone lead me to a mountain to give my prayers and confess my sins? Does anyone know where I can get incense cones? I'm seeking forgiveness from a higher entity. *Starts chanting in some language* Which way is Jerusalem?
Aziraphale: ... That way. *Points in a random direction*
Crowley: *Starts chanting again*
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Crowley: When life gives you lemons, celebrate, because lemons are amazing! *Starts crying*
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Crowley: Is getting your appendix removed like circumcision of the ass?
Aziraphale: No. Definitely not.
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Aziraphale: What's the state of Chicago?
Crowley: Illinois.
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Adam: My mom tried to thot drop but her knees wouldn't let her.
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Newton: It's pretty gucci not to die.
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Crowley: Let me impale myself.
Aziraphale: *Doesn't look up from knitting* No, I'm knitting.
Crowley: Please? I just need one of those needles...
Aziraphale: *Keeps looking at knitting* I don't want to get blood on my knitting.
Crowley: Please? I need to be impaled.
Aziraphale: No. When I'm done with my knitting.
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Aziraphale: I got a strand of Crowley's hair.
Crowley: Oh no.
Aziraphale: I'm gonna clone him.
Crowley: Please don't. One of me is more than enough.
Adam: Is that because you're depressed or insane?
Crowley: ... Yes.
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*A biology class-- Anathema's the teacher and Adam is a student*
Anathema: So, when we put the eggs into the water, the brine shrimp will take about two days to ha--
Adam: TEACHER THE FISH IS DEAD!
Anathema: *Glances at the fish tank. One fish is floating at the top* It's fine. It's just death.
Adam: *Wide eyes* *Keeps watching the fish tank*
Anathema: Anyways, as I was saying, we're going to test how different salinities affect the brine shrimp. We'll have zero percent, point five percent, one percent, five percent, ten percent, and fifteen percent lev--
Adam: TEACHER THE FISH IS ALIVE I THINK HE JUST HAD A BOUT OF SLEEP PARALYSIS OR SOMETHING!
Anathema: ... Wonderful.
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Crowley: I'm making a last-minute trip to Walgreens for black lipstick with half my face painted.
Adam: Wow, fun times.
Aziraphale: YESSSS.
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Aziraphale: Crowley, time to wake up!
Crowley: No.
Aziraphale: Crowley, we have to go do that thing!
Crowley: Remember how it was delayed for two hours?
Aziraphale: Oh... I'm sorry I woke you up.
Crowley: It's okay. I'll just try to sleep for forty-eight hours this weekend.
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*Human AU because otherwise it makes no sense*
Aziraphale: *Walking down hallway*
Crowley: *Sitting against the wall of the hallway*
Adam: *Sitting against the wall of the hallway with Crowley*
Crowley: Stare at Aziraphale! *Stares at Aziraphale*
Adam: *Stares at Aziraphale*
Crowley: It's a new national sport. Everyone just stares at Aziraphale.
Adam: And when he dies, we'll just put his corpse on a cross and continue staring at him.
Crowley: Perfect.
Aziraphale: ... What did I just walk into? *Quickly moves past them*
Newton: *Passes by Crowley and Adam* I like this sport. Can I join?
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Aziraphale: That's not my forehead, that's my normal head!
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*Aziraphale and Crowley are teachers at a high school. A bunch of high schoolers, Adam, Pepper, and Wensleydale, are sitting in the hallway against the wall, and Brian is sitting more towards the middle of the hallway*
Crowley: *Pushes a cart down the hallway*
Aziraphale: *Is sitting on said cart*
*Adam, Brian, Pepper, and Wensleydale stare at Crowley and Aziraphale*
Aziraphale: *Starts waving and blowing kisses to The Them* *Is pushed away*
Pepper: ... What just happened?
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Crowley: From now on you must say anywhat instead of whatever.
Aziraphale: Alright.
Crowley: Anyright!
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Shadwell: Ed! You gotta go be gay for that poor, dead intern!
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Aziraphale: What does murder have to do with vsco?
Crowley: What doesn't it?
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Aziraphale: *Making apples and cheese* I'M MAD WITH POWER!
Crowley: Oh no.
Aziraphale: Okay, nevermind, it upset my stomach. I'm not mad with power anymore.
Crowley: Good.
YOU ARE READING
Incorrect Good Omens Quotes
RandomRankings: 2 in #adamyoung on 10/15/2019 6 in #anthonyjcrowley on 9/30/2019 9 in #beelzebub on 10/31/2019 40 in #goodomens on 9/30/2019 Incorrect quotes inspired by Good Omens! Every quote is something someone said that I know personally unless other...
