Turn The Page

Chapter 35

"Ate," was all April could say. "Why don't you come clean now April? Let's not play games anymore. I'm sick and tired of this crap!" June said. She cried in frustration. "Ma, ano ba nangyayari? Tita April?" Page asked, confused with everything that was happening. She looked at June then at April. "Ate, hindi ko alam ano sinasabi mo," April replied, also confused. Her voice was quivering while her body was also shaking. Tears welled up in her eyes. The side of her face was already marked by June's powerful hand. "Hindi mo alam? Or are you playing dumb?" June asked. She was frowning the whole time and she was breathing hard. Page watched as June's hands turned into fists by her side. "Ma, pwede mag-usap usap tayo ng maayos? 'Wag naman yung ganito na nagkakasakitan kayo. Please naman oh," Page pleaded. Her eyes filled with tears. She was confused and scared at the same time. "Page, I told you to go to your room. Usapang matanda toh--," June was saying when Page cut her off. "Ma, hindi nako bata. Hindi ko kayo pwedeng iwan na nagkakaganito kayo," Page reasoned. June turned her attention back to April who was backed up by the wall. "Ano, April? You're just going to stand there and pretend na wala kang kaalam alam? You're going to play victim like you've been doing this whole time? Ano??" June asked angrily. "Hindi ko alam ano sinasabi mo, ate. I don't know what set you off," April replied. "Cut this shit out, April! Do you really think I'm that stupid? Come on! Say something! Come clean now!" June yelled. Page looked at the two women. She didn't know what was going on. She didn't know what to do with them. "Ate, hindi ko nga alam! Ano ba?? Ano ba sinasabi mo??" April asked. Page was crying now. "Ma, tita, kumalma muna kayo pareho. Tara na muna sa taas, ma. Please lang oh. Kumalma ka muna, baka ano mangyari sa inyo pareho eh," she said worriedly. "Hindi ka magsasalita? Ganyan ka ka-coward, April? I obviously thought you were better than that," June said. The anger in her sent chills in Page's body. "Let me shed some light on you then. Maybe it'll send signals to your brain and remind you of what really happened," June said. "That night--that night when I lost your brother and your niece, where were you?" She asked. She tried to control her breathing. She could see the tension build up in April's face. "Where were you, April?" She asked again. She tried to calm herself down, but the tightness in her chest made it impossible. Page swallowed. She stared at April worriedly. She knew exactly where she was that night. "Kasama ko sya, ma," she answered for her. Her body was shaking now. June turned her attention to her daughter. Then she looked at April again. "Why don't you answer me, April?" She asked, trying to be as patient as possible. April's silence drove her even more furious. She hated her for having her daughter answer for her. "Ikaw ang tinatanong ko," she said firmly. Page swallowed. "Answer me!" June yelled which made Page jump again. "Ma," she said worriedly, but she didn't dare take a step towards her. "I said answer me! Damn it, April! Answer me!" June said while she charged towards April. Page immediately hugged June away from her. "Oo! I was with her! I was there! I was there with all of you!" April yelled back as she sobbed. June cried loudly in front of her. "Fuck you, April," she said. She was in so much pain, her body felt numb. Page was sobbing as she hugged her. "All this time, you stood there, right in front of me, wala ka man lang sinabi," she said. Tears soaked the neckline of her shirt. April wept also. "Pinag-mukha mokong tanga. You saw me in so much pain, yet natiis mo, April. Natiis mo to keep things to yourself. Bakit? Bakit mo nagawa sakin toh? Is that why you have been here all along because guilt ate you up? You were so guilty kaya you felt the need to take care of me?" June asked. She was heartbroken and beyond disappointed. "Of course not. You know I genuinely care about you and I sincerely want to take care of you, ate. Please naman oh," April replied. Her face was wet with tears. June shook her head over and over. Then she stared April in the eyes. "It was you. Ikaw yung rason kung bakit namatay si Dez at Summer and all of those other people. It wasn't Page. In fact I think you could be put to jail for being responsible for all of those deaths," June finally said. Having it come out of her mouth hurt both her and April even more. "Tandang tanda ko na ngayon. Everything was a blur to me then, but now I clearly remember. Ikaw yun. Hindi si Page. Page had already crossed the road, hinahabol mo sya diba? She had already made it to the other side. Ikaw yung iniwasan ko that's why I lost control of the car, and that's why I managed to hit someone at si Page yung nasagasaan ko. There were two people, naalala ko yun. But because of my head injury, I thought baka I was remembering it all wrong. So I focused on that one person na iniwasan ko. This whole time sya yung nag-lagay ng galit at puot dito sa puso ko. I was so angry na I pushed aside and completely ignored na may nasagasaan din pala ako nung gabing yun. April, how could you? How could you live with yourself, standing there, pretending like you didn't cause all of these?" June said. She was hurt and furious at the same time. "Because I couldn't bear the fact that I was the reason why kuya died. I was in denial," April finally told the truth. June cried even more. "And then what?? Put the blame on someone else??? Sa bata??? My gosh, April. Ikaw ba talaga yan?!" June asked, feeling extremely betrayed. "Page couldn't seem to remember yung mga pangyayari dahil nga nag-agaw buhay na sya nun. She also suffered from head trauma kaya everything was a blur to her, too. When the doctors asked if she remembered anything that happened that night, she knew she crossed the road kaya sya nasagasaan pero she couldn't remember everything. She couldn't remember na other cars were also involved. Na something happened and there were other deaths. Hindi na namin pinaalam sa kanya dahil baka makasama pa sa kanya dahil nga na-heart transplant na din sya nun. All she could remember then was that she crossed and somebody hit her," April explained. June shook her head again. "And you took advantage of that. You took advantage na merong head trauma yung bata kaya you didn't say anything. Ganun din sa akin? Tama ba?" June asked. Her body was shaking, so Page held on to her even more tightly. She was crying the whole time she was listening to the two women. "Ate, hindi naman sa ganun," April tried to reason, but June snickered sarcastically. "Hindi? Kung hindi ko lang naalala would you have told me? Probably not. Hinayaan moko na sisihin si Page. Anong klase kang kaibigan? Anong klase kang kapatid? I've treated you like a sister, took care of you like one, too. In my pain, you kept silent--," June was saying when April talked over her. "Exactly. You were in pain, too. That's why I kept silent. I chose to keep silent dahil all that you had left was me. Pano ka na lang kung pati ako nawala sayo nung time na yun? Baka wala ka na rin dito, ate. I'm not taking the credit kung bakit nandito ka pa, pero natakot ako mawala ka samin nun. Natakot ako because I knew na kapag nalaman mo yung totoo, you would be furious like this. You would push me away. You would push all of us away. Sino na lang mag-aalaga sayo? Ha, ate? Who would have taken care of you then? That would trigger your suicidal thoughts even more. Mas lalo ka mawawalan ng gana na lumaban pa. Natakot ako, ate. Natakot ako. Kung coward ang tawag dun, then I am a coward, a coward that cares a lot about you," April said. She was starting to lose her voice from all the crying she was doing. However, June was not convinced. "April, you know damn well that I appreciate every single thing that you have done for me. I have never questioned your love and care para sa akin. I felt your sincerity. I felt that you were genuine. Sige, sabihin na natin na you were trying to protect me and you're trying to take care of me by not saying anything. What about when I had Page in my life already? Why didn't you come clean then? Why didn't you say anything. You still chose to keep quiet," June said. "Because everything was going well, ate. I couldn't find the perfect timing para sabihin sayo, sa inyo, ang lahat. Dahil everything was going well, I didn't want to ruin any of that," April reasoned. June shook her head. "April, do you even realize na I could have lost Page because you chose to keep the truth from me? That was the reason why I asked you to take her eh. Kung alam ko na yung totoo edi sana hindi nangyari lahat ng toh. Dahil sayo nag-agaw buhay ulit si Page. Alam mo galit na nga ako na ikaw pala yung may kasalanan kung bakit nasunog yung bahay mo eh. Galit na galit na nga ako dun eh. Pero eto pa pala, April. Ano pang tinatago mo? Why don't you say it all now para isang bagsakan na lang," June said. April looked at her. Her breathing became heavier. She thought about Page's new heart that came from Summer, but she hesitated. "Alam mo, I don't know how you could still manage to get a wink of sleep at night, keeping that big of a secret from me. Hindi ko alam pano moko natitingnan sa mata, how you could manage to smile at me as if everything is okay, as if you didn't cause the death of your brother and Summer. Pano mo nagagawa yun?" June asked. Her heart was about ready to explode. "Sa tingin mo madali lang lahat ng toh para sakin, ate?" April said. More tears came out of her eyes. "You sure did make it look easy," June replied. "Ate, ako ang dahilan kung bakit namatay yung kuya at pamangkin ko. You think I can rest well? You think hindi nababalot ng galit at puot yung puso ko against myself? You think hindi ako galit sa sarili ko? Ate, galit na galit. I couldn't even mourn for them dahil I felt like I don't have the right to do so. I felt like wala akong karapatan masaktan sa lahat ng toh dahil kasalanan ko ang lahat kahit hindi ko naman sinasadya. Ate, hindi naging madali sa akin ang lahat. I pushed through, pretending everything was okay because I knew you needed me, too. In a way, sayo din ako kumuha ng lakas. Pero that doesn't mean it was easy for me. Guilt ate me up, every single day--," April was saying when June interrupted. "Yet it wasn't enough for you to speak up," June said. April cried even harder. "Because I didn't know when to say it and how to say it without losing you," April said. Page cried with the two of them. Her heart was breaking for the both of them. "Ang dami dami ng nangyari, April. You could have told me. You had so many chances to come to me and tell me everything, na makipag-usap sakin ng masinsinan. Yet pinaabot mo na nagalit ako sa anak ko. Sa kanya ko naibuhos lahat ng sama ng loob ko. At dahil dun, marami ding naramdamang hindi maganda si Page. Sinasaktan moko, yet what I can't really stand is the fact that you're hurting my child, too. And because you chose to be a coward, I ended up hurting my kid, too. Hindi ba sumagi sa isip mo yun kahit once, April? Na nasasaktan ko din yung anak ko dahil sayo? Hindi mo ba naisip na once na bumalik lahat kay Page like it did, na it's going to make her feel like crap, too? Na kung ano nararamdaman mong guilt at shame, mararamdaman nya rin yun? What did she do to you to deserve that, ha? Ano ginawa ni Page sayo for you to ever put her through that? You messed with our minds. But most of all, you messed with our hearts. Ang sakit sakit. I don't know if I could ever forgive you," June said while she cried. "Ma naman," Page said. She gently shook her mother's arm. "It's okay, Page," April said as she wiped the tears from her face. "Tama naman ang mama mo. You guys didn't deserve this. I have no good enough reason sa lahat ng ginawa ko. It was all my fault. And I own up to all of my mistakes. Tama ka, ate. I was a coward. Hanggang ngayon, I still am. I've hurt you both, and I'm ashamed of that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry sa lahat ng kasalanan ko sa inyong mag-ina. I'm sorry nasaktan ko kayo ng sobra sobra. Page, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you feel all the guilt and shame na dapat ako lang ang nakaramdam. Ate, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you this sooner. I'm sorry because I've kept things from you. I'm sorry because you lost kuya and Summer because of me. I'm sorry sa lahat lahat ng pasakit na naiparamdam ko sayo at kay Page. Pero totoo lahat ng pinakita kong pagmamahal at pag-aaruga sa inyong mag-ina. Totoo lahat ng yun. Mahal ko kayo pareho," April said. Then she excused herself to get her stuff from the guest bedroom.