Turn The Page

Chapter 46

The moment June arrived home from the hospital, she went to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine. She looked around the house. The stillness already got to her. Images of kids running around from when Summer was little played inside her head, so she shook her head and tried to eliminate them from getting even more detailed. "Ate?" April said the moment she answered June's phone call. "Hey there. Busy?" June asked. "No, not at all. How are you? How's Page? Everything okay?" April also asked in return. June sighed. "Okay lang naman. How's everything there?" She asked, trying to be polite. "Ate, everything's good. Why don't we skip to the part where you tell me what's going on. I can hear it from your voice na something's bothering you. Is it Page again? Is she okay?" April asked again. "Yeah, she's okay. I'm assuming she's okay. Naman noh kaiiwan ko lang sa kanya sa hospital," June replied. "What? Did something happen to her again?" April asked worriedly. "No, no. You think iiwan ko yun dun ng mag-isa kung may nangyaring masama sa kanya? Eto talaga oh. She's with a friend. She volunteered to watch him at the hospital," June explained. "Oh okay," April answered, relieved. "Wait, did you just say 'him'? Ate, she's with a boy in the hospital all by herself? What's going on here? How come you're letting this happen?" April asked. She was shocked to say the least. "Yan namimiss ko sayo eh, you're even more paranoid than I am. Yes, she's with a boy, but he's gay. We have nothing to worry about with that kid," June assured her. "Eh, oo nga he's gay, but sure ka it's still safe to leave your beautiful young daughter with a gay friend that still has some male parts, paalala ko lang,"  April reminded her. "You're putting thoughts in my head, April. Tumawag nga ako sayo so I can talk to someone and feel better tapos now you're making me paranoid too," June said. "Eh sorry na, ate. Babae pa rin kasi anak mo at lalaki pa din yung kasama nya," April pointed out. "Is that water running in the background?" She asked. "Yes, I'm going to soak in the tub for a bit. I get to do this pa rin naman when Page is here, but I'll probably sleep in the tub for a while," June answered. "Hala sya, malunod ka dyan ha," April replied. "Grabe, you think I won't wake up when I start drowning? Sobra ka naman," June said. Then she lowered herself slowly down on the tub, allowing the warm water to soak her whole body all the way to her neck. "Mmm. This feels good. Baka makatulog ako. Just hang up the phone if di nako sumagot," she instructed. "Hala sya. Ate, umayos ka ha. Pag ikaw talaga--," April said. "I'm not going to drown, April. Don't get so paranoid. Eto naman," June insisted. "Fine. Anyway, so ano talaga rason bakit ka napatawag?" April asked. June tried her hardest not to doze off though her eyes remained closed. "Can't I enjoy a glass of wine and chat with my sister-in-law while I soak in the tub? Things mamas do," June answered. "Pwede naman, but let's face it. We both know when something's bothering you," April said. June sighed in response. "Nakaka-inis ka naman eh. Hindi tuloy ako maka-relax dahil sayo," she complained. "Sorry na. Come on. Shoot. What is it?" April asked. "I thought it would do me and Page some good to spend some time apart kaya ko din sya pinayagan when she volunteered to stay at the hospital. Para na kasi kaming kambal tuko, hindi mapaghiwalay. As much as I like for her to tag along with me all the time, I know hindi rin yung nakaka-buti sa kanya. All her life, Page has been with adults like you and sister Berlin and the other nuns at the orphanage, tapos the adults naman in the families na napupuntahan nya. Tapos ngayon she's with me naman. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that pero I've noticed na hindi sya marunong mag-deal with the company of her own age. I remember reading that in her file. For every family na napupuntahan nya na may ibang bata, she never gets along with them nor does she even try to make a relationship with the other children. Usually, she keeps to herself. Napansin ko rin how awkward she was the first time she met the two friends she has now. But she's starting school, April. She needs to learn how to make friends on her own. The two friends she has now, ako pa nagpa-kilala sa kanya. Sapilitan pa to make her engage and interact with them. If she could have it her way, didikit at didikit sakin yang batang yan. Friends are vital when it comes to school. I strongly believe she needs friends na mahihingahan din nya when she needs it, hindi lang ako. I don't want her to be a loaner. I don't want her to isolate herself. She needs to learn how to be social. Social worker nga ang gusto nya, so pano sya magiging social worker nyan if she doesn't even know how to have a public relationship especially with her peers? Malaking tulong yung meron kang mga kaibigang masasandalan while you're going to school. I long for the day na she takes friends home for me to meet. Namimiss ko na nga din yung busy ako sa kitchen cooking for my kid and her friends. Gusto ko ma-experience ng anak ko yun," June said when her voice cracked. "Ate, are you crying?" April asked. "No ah," June lied. "You are crying. There's more to it than just teaching Page how to socialize. What is it?" April asked. June covered her mouth and shut her eyes as tears began to flow. She tried her hardest not to sob. "Ate," April said when she didn't answer. "Um," June replied. Then she swallowed. Her voice was shaking now. "It's okay, let it out," April tried to convince her. June sat up and took a deep breath as she cried silently. April waited patiently. "Ate, you can let it out. Ayan ka nanaman eh. You're stopping yourself from crying. Hindi healthy yan sabi ng therapist mo, remember? Page is not home. I know you like to stay strong for her and everybody else. Take advantage na wala sya ngayon dyan sa bahay and cry it all out,"she convinced her again. "She'll find out when I pick her up tomorrow that I've been crying. Nothing gets by sa batang yun," June said. "And so what if she finds out?" April asked. "April, dahil as much as I want her to learn how to have friends, there's also that part of me that wants to have her all to myself," June cried. April stayed quiet on the other line. Her heart ached for June. She hated the distance that prevented her from hugging her. "Pag-uwi na pag-uwi ko dito ngayon na ako lang mag-isa, I was immediately welcomed by the echoes of Summer's laughter filling the whole house. No, hindi sya nagpaparamdam or anything like that, pero I could just imagine it in my head, the sound of her laughter when we were all here noon and she had some friends over. It feels like kahapon lang buhay pa yung anak ko kahit na matagal na syang wala. I haven't really felt that way in this house dahil Page was with me all the time. But now that I'm all by myself, I was immediately greeted by the stillness and the quietness the house offered without my kids. And I'm worried that I have to deal with that as Page starts with school. Gustohin ko man na i-chaperone sya sa college nya, to tag-along and just be with her all day so that I don't have to be in this quiet house alone, I'll do that if I could. But we both know I can't do that," June said. "I'm sorry, ate," was all April could say. "I'm sorry din that I'm complaining--," June was saying when April interrupted. "Ate, that's not complaining. Sinasabi mo lang naman yung nararamdaman mo which is good. I'd rather know what goes on in your head kesa you keep it from all of us again. Bakit hindi mo i-share din kay Page yung sentiments mo? Para alam din nya yung nararamdaman mo," April suggested. June wiped the tears in her eyes and shook her head at the same time as if April could see her. "If I tell her that, gagawa at gagawa yun ng paraan to stay home with me para masamahan nya ako dito. I can't let her know what I'm feeling because I know just how selfless Page is. She'd sacrifice her social life and everything else she can sacrifice para mabigay sakin yung kelangan ko. That's just how Page is, April. That's why she can't know that I'm feeling like this, and I'm trusting you na hindi toh makaka-abot sa kanya. Sayo ako nag-let out ng nararamdaman ko at hindi sa anak ko dahil ayoko ng mag-worry pa sya," June explained. April sighed on the other line. "Parehas naman kasi kayong mag-ina. Kita mo oh. You won't let her know what you're feeling kasi pati ikaw selfless din. You don't wanna burden your child with your load," April pointed out. June took a deep breath, "Because that's what mothers do, they carry the load so that their children won't have to, they sacrifice for the sake of their children," she replied. "Well, guess what, ate? You also have a child that's willing to share the load with you. You have a child that will also sacrifice for you. And that's Page," April reminded her. June sighed, "Exactly. That's why I don't want her to find out what I'm feeling so that she wouldn't have to sacrifice, so that she wouldn't have to share the load with me."