Turn The Page

Chapter 4

June walked out of the therapist's office not feeling any better, but she gave April a smile. She thought it was the least she could do after April cleared her afternoon schedule just to accompany her to her therapist. "You feel better, ate?" April asked after she greeted June with a tight hug. Then she rubbed June's back. "Yes, thank you," June lied with a smile. "See, I told you naman you would feel better eh. Ate, please. Make an appointment sa therapist mo whenever you have thoughts of ending your life. Marami pa kami dito na nag-mamahal sayo kaya please lang, don't attempt suicide anymore. Don't hesitate to call any of us if you need someone to talk to," April said as she swallowed. June gave her a tight smile and nodded. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a second. April then offered to drive, so June gave her the keys. The first few minutes of their car ride was quiet. Images of Summer flooded June's thoughts as usual. "Okay ka lang, ate?" April asked which startled June. "What?" June asked as she sat up straight. "Sabi ko okay ka lang?" April quickly glanced over at June as she drove. "Keep your eyes on the road!" June yelled. April jumped and was surprised by June's reaction. "Hey. Okay, ate. I will. Just relax. Please. Mas lalo tayo maaaksidente if you do that," April said worriedly. June took a deep breath and shook her head. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry April," June said regretfully. She closed her eyes and shook her head. "Ate," April said. She decided to pull over to the side so she can talk to her. "What's going on?" April asked. June couldn't hold it in any longer. "I'm so tired, April. Pagod na pagod nako maramdaman lahat ng toh. I don't think I'll ever get over my daughter's death. Parang araw araw lalong bumibigat. It never gets easier. Lalo ako di makahinga each day I wake up and realize that they're gone. Yung ang laki laki ng bahay pero I feel suffocated being in it kasi wala na sila. Masakit na nga mawalan ng asawa eh pero ang sakit sakit lalo mawalan ng anak. Ang bata bata pa kasi ni Summer eh. She had so many hopes and dreams and none of it will ever be fulfilled. None of it will ever come true because her life was cut short. Ang sakit sakit nun para sa isang magulang na tulad ko who is looking forward to see their children grow up and enter adulthood. Yung excited ka sa mga gagawin ng anak mo, sa mga ma-aaccomplish nya sa buhay, sa mga trabahong papasokin nya, sa mga relationships na she'll form, anything na gagawin nya sa buhay nya, you'll never get to see it kasi wala na. Wala na sya. Patay na sya. Walang nakakaintindi nun hangga't hindi nila nararansan ang pinagdadaanan ko, but I will never wish this on anybody, not even my enemies. No parent who has lost a child could ever describe the pain. Ang sakit sakit. Parang every second kang sinasaksak di lang sa dibdib kundi sa buong katawan mo. You think you're numb na sa pain, but no. Kahit pa gano ka ka-effort sa pagtry na mag-move on, araw araw sinasampal sayo na wala na yung anak mo. Wala na yung asawa mo. Mag-isa ka na lang. And what's worse is that all of this is my fault naman. I lost them because of my carelessness," June said as she sobbed. April was crying now, too. She frowned as she looked at June, "Ate, what do you mean it's your fault? Walang may kasalanan ng nangyari. Aksidente lang ang lahat. You never meant for any of that to happen. Who would want that to happen?" April said as she shook her head. June sobbed. "Alam mo, I should've let your kuya drive eh. Hirap kasi sakin I need to have control of things. Ayan tuloy. But I was just thinking about him. I never meant any harm. Pero sana sya na lang pina-continue ko to drive. Yun ang masaklap eh. You just wanted to help pero naka-sama pa tuloy. Kasi pagod yung kuya mo nun from a flight eh. He hasn't had any sleep, dumeretso na kami sa competition ni Summer. He drove papunta, so I figured baka pagod na sya kaya I offered him ng ilang beses na ako na lang mag-drive. We were fine nung sya nag-dadrive no matter how tired and sleepy he must have been. Pero ako, ako yung alert at gising eh. Hindi naman ako pagod, but my carelessness did this to us. My carelessness killed my husband and my daughter. I should've been more careful. I should have been extra careful, baka naagapan pa yung aksidente. I'm sorry, April. I'm sorry I killed your brother and your niece. Tinry ko naman maging ma-ingat, but it wasn't enough. Namatay pa din sila," June said as she wept. April cried with her. She never learned how to comfort June. She never knew how to make it all better for her because she knows the extent of what she was going through. She gave June a tight hug. "Alam ko, ate. Alam ko naman yun eh. I know you would have avoided it if you could. I know just how much you try to take care of my brother and my niece. Napaka-hands mo na asawa kay kuya at nanay kay Summer even though you had to raise her practically on your own kasi kuya was seldom home. You always gave it your all. Kaya please ate, don't blame yourself for this. Wala kang kasalanan," April said as she cried, but June shook her head. "No, April. You don't understand. Marami ang nawala sakin dahil sa pagkamatay ng mag-ama ko. I didn't just lose a husband and a daughter. I lost my interest in life. I lost interest in activities na I used to love. I lost a schedule na dati punong puno. I lost everything that used to make me happy. I lost my happiness and I lost myself. Parang wala na ngang natira. Bahay na lang ang natira sakin, yet even that isn't the same anymore. I feel like I've been robbed pero instead na mga gamit ang ninakaw sakin, tao ang mga kinuha. I came home and just like that, the house was silent and empty. Losing them makes the house feel even more empty than if I were to lose every single gamit na meron kami sa bahay na yun," June said as she wiped her tears. April didn't know what to say. She swallowed as she looked at June. Her heart broke for her. "Pero nandito pa naman kaming mga kaibigan mo diba, ate? Andito pa kami nag-mamahal sayo, 'wag na 'wag mo kakalimutan yun," April reminded her. She leaned over and gave June another hug. "Naiintindihan ko yun, April. I can never thank you and the ladies enough for doing so much for me despite your busy schedules. Pero even that is not the same anymore," June said as she looked at April. She pouted then she bowed her head and cried. "Ate, what do you mean it's not the same anymore? Eto pa rin kami oh. Eto pa rin ako, si April. Andyan sila ate May at ate July, ate kami pa rin toh. The same old friends na meron ka na andyan parati para sayo, andito pa kami. Ikaw nga tong feeling namin nawawala na samin unti unti eh," April said as she pouted and cried, too. "I'm still here, April. Don't worry. You have nothing to worry about. I'm sorry umiiyak nanaman ako sayo. You must be tired seeing me like this. You didn't have to come with me," June said. Her eyes and her head ached after crying. "Ate no, don't apologize. Ikaw na rin nag-sabi na wala kaming kaalam alam sa pain na meron ka ngayon. Kaya I need to make sure na kung hindi mo mailabas saming mga kaibigan mo, mailabas mo man lang sana sa therapist mo. Kaya 'wag ka mag-apologize. I wanted to come with you, hindi moko pinilit. In fact, do you need me to stay over for the night para may kasama ka?" April offered, but June quickly shook her head. "I'll be okay, April. Thank you for always offering yourself up to me, pero kaya ko naman sarili ko. Don't worry, you don't have to babysit me," June said as she wiped her eyes again. April shook her head. "Ate, I can't not worry about you. And this is not me babysitting you. This is me taking care of you dahil mag-kapatid na tayo diba? That's what sisters do," April said. Her eyes were sad. June looked her in the eyes, "I may not be sure about a lot of things right now, but I know one thing's for sure: your kuya is so proud of you kung nasan man sya ngayon because you're doing your very best to take good care of me."