Turn The Page

Chapter 87

That night, Page laid restlessly on the recliner, tossing and turning, hoping to get some much needed decent sleep. July watched as Page got up. "What's wrong, anak?" She asked. "Tita, sorry po," Page immediately apologized. "Why? What are you apologizing for?" July asked with concern. "Baka po kasi naiistorbo ko na kayo," Page replied. "No, no. Mas worried nga ako sayo eh. You seem restless. May nararamdaman ka ba?" July asked again. "Yung back brace po tita, di po ako comfortable. Buong araw ko na po kasi suot eh," Page informed her. "Why don't you take it out for now, see if it helps you a bit," July suggested. Page nodded. She stood and took the back brace off while July helped her. "Salamat po, tita Julz. Magpahinga na po kayo," she told her after she got settled. July smiled a little. "Ikaw din," she replied.

Deeper into the night, Page sat up. It was about two in the morning, yet she hasn't had any wink of sleep. She stared at her phone. Then she went to the bathroom. She stared at her phone one more time before she finally decided to make the phone call. A few more rings and she was sent to the person's voicemail. She sighed as she got ready to leave a message. Before she heard the beep, she cleared her throat. "Tito Lou, gusto ko lang po mag-sorry sa mga nasabi ko sayo nung nandito kayo. Hindi ko po sinasadyang pagsalitaan kayo ng ganun, lalo naman po ang paalisin kayo. Naappreciate ko po na sinamahan nyoko dito sa ICU kasama si mama. Sorry po ulit nagpadalos-dalos ako sa mga salita ko. Kung gusto nyo po bisitahin si mama, okay lang naman din po. Mag-ingat po kayo palagi, sorry po ulit," she said. Then she ended the call. She stared at her reflection. Her collar bone popped out. Then she thought about her mother. June never liked it when her collar bone protruded the way it did. "Eat. You're working too hard or you're stressing yourself out too much. Alin pa man sa dalawang yan, bumubulaga nanaman yang collar bone mo. That means pumayat ka nanaman kasi nakakalimutan mo nanamang kumain," June's voice echoed inside her head. "Pano ka na lang pag wala ako, anak naman. Hindi na bumabata si mama, learn to take care of yourself, hindi lang yung mga tao sa paligid mo ang kelangan ng alaga mo. Learn to take better care of yourself, anak naman," June begged in a conversation the two of them had about a year ago that Page recalled. "Eh mama, hindi mo naman ako iiwan diba? Tsaka sabi mo parehas tayong hindi mag-aasawa kasi tayo na mag-aalaga sa isa't isa? Diba?" Page responded in the memory. Then she was brought back to reality. She stared at her eyes at the mirror. Tears fell on her face. Then she sighed. She quietly opened the bathroom door, careful not to wake July up. Then she brought a chair closer to June's bedside and sat on it. She stared at her mother long and hard while tears continued to fall down her face. "Ma, pagod ka na po ba?" She asked quietly. "Pano yan? Mukhang hindi pako ready i-let go ka eh," she said to her. She covered her mouth to stop herself from sobbing. Then she thought about Keeper. "Ma," she said almost to a whisper. "Eto ba yung kabayaran dahil binreak ko yung promise natin na tayo na lang forever? Na hindi tayo mag-aasawa? Nangyayari ba toh kasi hindi ko mapigilan yung feelings ko para kay Keeper? Aalis ka na ba kasi andyan na si Keeper para alagaan ako? Ma, why can't I keep you both? Pwede naman yun, diba? There's a lot of room for love for everybody, bakit kelangan may mawala, ma? Pagod ka na ba sakin? Nagsasawa ka na ba? Gusto mo na ba talagang umalis?" She asked. July, who couldn't get herself a wink of sleep, kept her back against Page. Tears fell from her eyes as she listened. "Ilang taon din tayong nagkasama ma, pero pakiramdam ko kulang na kulang pa din. Kasama kita palagi pero miss na miss pa rin kita. Nagsisisi nga ako sa mga times na nakuha ng trabaho ko yung ibang oras na sana nabigay ko sayo. Ma, gustong gusto pa kita makasama eh. Gusto ko lumuhod, magmakaawa sa Diyos ng paulit-ulit para ibalik ka Nya dito sakin ng safe ka at healthy, yung makakasama pa kita ng matagal na matagal. Pero feeling ko ang dami ko ng hiniling sa kanya sa buong pagsasama natin. Ang dami ko ng dinasal sa kanya, feeling ko kotang kota nako, ma. Feeling ko wala nakong karapatan na humiling kasi ang dami na Nyang binigay sakin na hindi ko naman deserve. Pero ganun naman si Lord, diba? Kahit namimihasa na rin tayo, hindi Nya rin naman tayo matiis, diba? Kaya pwede pa siguro ako humiling na ibalik ka na Nya. Ma, asan ka na? Pababalikin ka pa daw ba Nya? Kung hindi, kaya ko ba, ma? Kaya ko bang harapin yung panibagong buhay na wala ka?" Page asked. Then she bent down and covered her face as she sobbed. She took a deep breath. Wiping her face was of no help as tears kept pouring down. Page stared at her mother. She touched her face, gently running the back of her fingers onto her mother's smooth skin. Then she pouted again as she cried. "Pero alam mo, ma, kahit masakit, kahit dinudurog durog yung puso ko ng paulit-ulit, mas gugustohin ko yung ganito. Yung ako na lang yung sasalo sa lahat ng sakit, kasi pakiramdam ko, you've done enough of that all these years of being my mom. Nun pa lang--nung pinatira moko sa bahay niyo ni papa, sinalo mo na lahat ng sakit na dala dala ko. Inako mo lahat, ma. Ang dami dami ko ng pasakit sayo. Sa tuwing may hindi magandang nangyayari sakin, sa tuwing may nalalaman ka sa mga pinagdaanan ko at sa buong pagkatao ko, sa tuwing pinaghihiwalay tayo ng tadhana, lahat lahat tiniis mo, ma. Lahat yun, tiniis mo. Kahit hindi mo pako inaampon nun, ramdam ko na nasasaktan ka tuwing nasasaktan ako. Madami kang tiniis at sinakripisyo para sa akin. Hindi ko alam pano ka pasalamatan sa lahat lahat ng yun," Page said. Then she closed her eyes. After a while she opened them again after she sighed. "Kaya kung pagod ka na, magpahinga ka na. Sama sama na kayong buong pamilya dyan sa taas. Kakayanin ko para sayo. Sana 'wag mo kalimutan na kahit ampon mo lang ako, minahal at minamahal kita hindi lang dahil inampon moko kundi dahil--dahil sayo, nakaramdam ako ng tunay na pagmamahal na dapat nakuha ko sa totoong nanay ko. At marami akong nadiskubre tungkol sayo na worth ng pagmamahal na meron ako para sayo. Ma, hindi ako magsasawang magpasalamat sayo. Kaya pala hindi nag-work out lahat ng efforts ko para makasama ko yung nanay na nagluwal sakin, kasi meron naman palang mas better na nilaan si papa God sakin eh. At ikaw yun, mama ko. Kahit pakiramdam ko hindi ako karapat-dapat sa pagmamahal mo, binigay ka pa rin sakin ng Diyos. Nagpapasalamat ako sa lahat ng taon na nakasama kita. Salamat sa lahat ng binigay mo sakin, ma. Salamat sa lahat lahat ng pinaramdam mo sakin. I will always be grateful to you for giving someone like me, someone so broken like me, a chance at life. Thank you for never asking me to be perfect and for loving me and all of my brokenness. Thank you for letting me experience the world, ma. Thank you for allowing me to navigate life, allowing me to explore and take control, for respecting my decisions and for being there when things don't work out the way I want it to. Ikaw yung the best na nanay para sakin, ma. Walang wala nakong mahihiling pa. Sabi mo sakin nun, if you would have a chance to live a thousand times, sabi mo hahanapin moko sa lahat ng orphanage so that we could be together over and over again. Ma, ako din. If I could live a thousand times, babalik at babalik ako dun sa tulay kung san natin nahanap ang isa't isa para mahanap kita ulit. Mahal na mahal kita, Mrs. Torres. Mahal na mahal na mahal kita noon at ngayon kahit pa nasa langit ka at nasa lupa ako. Salamat dahil hindi lang tirahan ang binuksan mo para sakin kundi yung buong puso mo. Ma, hindi ko toh ever nasabi sayo noon, pero alam mo ba na ang tingin ko sayo noon pa, nung nakasama kita sa hospital after natin mahanap ang isa't isa sa tulay, tingin ko na sayo nun anghel eh. Anghel na pinababa sa lupa, na binigyan ng mission. Kaya siguro ganito, ma. Tapos na siguro ang mission mo dito sa earth, ma. Kelangan ka na daw nila dun sa taas," she said. Then she stopped herself from breaking down. She held her fist to her mouth and sobbed silently. "Sige na, ma. Payag nako. Nakasama na kita ng matagal. Atat na yung mga kapatid ko, kasi sila naman daw. Sila naman daw ang pagtutuunan mo ng pansin ngayon. Sabi siguro nila, 'wag akong gahaman. Hindi lang dapat puro ako. Sila din, namimiss ka na din nila. Sila Cielo, hindi ka nila nakasama at all, baka now's the time, ma. Sige na, sila naman ang alagaan mo. Payag nako. Payag nako, mama. You can go be with papa and ate at ng iba ko pang mga kapatid. Please 'wag mo lang ako kakalimutan ha. 'Wag mo kakalimutan kung gano kita kamahal, ma. Yun na lang ang gawin mo para sakin, 'wag mo na lang kakalimutan na mahal na mahal na mahal kita at hindi na kelan man magbabago yun," she said. Then she couldn't control her sobs any longer. July got up. She immediately went towards her. Page sobbed as she hugged June tightly. July bent down and rubbed Page's back over and over. "Magpahinga ka na. Sarili mo naman yung isipin mo ngayon, ma. You can rest now. Makakaasa ka na gagawin ko lahat ng makakaya ko para 'wag mapabayaan ang sarili ko," Page said. July watched as Page nestled her head by her mother's shoulder. Then she swallowed. "Page," she said to her. "Page?" She called out to her again. "Dito po muna ako, tita Julz. Dito po muna ako sa tabi ni mama magpapahinga," Page answered, so July nodded and left her alone to be with her mother.