Lost Minds

should I trust you

⚠ trigger warning contains self harm read at your own risk⚠

It was after school I was walking down the hall to meet up with ari so we could leave. Then I saw him again.

"Hey" he said.

"Uh hi" I said shyly.

"Are you doing okay?" He asked.

"Yeah I'm doing fine just getting ready for the game tonight. Are you going?" I asked him.

" yeah I have to" he laughed.

"How come?" I asked.

"Cause my friend Sam and I are in band we will be playing tonight" he responded.

"Oh well I can't wait to see you play" I said with a smile.

"Oh I should probably tell you my name, hi I'm colby nice to meet you" he said with a smile holding his hand out.

"Lillian, nice to meet you colby" I returned the smile while shaking his hand.

"What time will you be there?" I asked colby.

"Um" he said while looking at his bare wrist.

"Maybe like in an hour, I gotta get my stuff first then come back" colby said

"Ok I'm gonna be there in a few minutes gotta drop off my stuff first. Looking forward to seeing your band class play" I said to him.

"I'm hoping we don't disappoint you" he said with a smile.

"Well I gotta go now or else my friend is gonna kill me see ya later colby" i said while walking down the hall.

"See ya later Lillian!" He said across the hall.

I walked over to Arianna with a smile on my face.

"Where were you?, what took you so long?" Ari asked.

"Hey sorry I'm late I was talking to someone in the hallway." I replied.

"No its fine I was just wondering. Who were you talking to?" She asked.

"Oh I was talking to Colby" I answered

"Oh colby you know he's not too bad-" ari said before I cut her off.

"Nope we are just acquaintances nothing more I don't even like him like that so don't plan on it happening" I said.

"Ok ok I hear you come on lets go my mom is here. Do you just wanna drop your stuff off at my house or do you...want...to go...to...yours?" She asked hesitantly.

"Well I gotta change clothes so just drop me off at my place I'll text you when I'm ready ok?" I said. 'I know shes worried about me and I don't want her too, I want her to forget about me leave me so I feel alone. But I don't want her to go I want her with me, always by my side,I want her to be there when I need someone to hug me when I'm having a breakdown. But I don't deserve her I deser-'

"Lillian hello, you there" she said snapping her fingers in my face.

"What? Oh yeah I'm here"I said looking away trying to blink away some tears.

"Lillian look at me" she said. I was hesitant but I did. I saw her eyes go sad for me. 'damn it I didn't wanna make you sad. Why can't people just not feel bad for me I'm not worth it.'

"Lillian what's wrong?" She asked.

"Nothing just thoughts they'll go away like usual. Anyways come on lets go we're gonna be late." I said quick to change the subject I threw on a fake smile and cheery voice. She gave me a look like I was crazy don't blame her but I just wanna get out of here.

"Okayyy um yeah lets go" she said confused, looking at me like she was trying to find something. We got in the car and they dropped me off at my...house if thats what you wanna call it.

"Bye Lillian text me when you want us to pick you up"Mrs. Rose said.

"I will see ya later" I said as I walked up towards the door.

"Well back to hell I go" I said while opening door I walked in closed the door behind me. I walked towards the stairs when I saw my mom on the couch making out with some guy. 'I'm not gonna watch this' I walked upstairs to my room to get ready.

I got ready and texted ari to come pick me up I was waiting in my room checking social media when I heard footsteps coming up the stairs then my door slammed open and I saw my very drunk mother walk in and straight towards me.

"WHY. DID. YOU. NOT. COME. HOME. ON. TIME?!!" She yelled while slapping me between each word.

"WELL ARE YOU GONNA ANSWER?!" She yelled

" I was talking to a teacher mother I'm sorry she asked me to meet after the bell rang" I said crying into my hands.

" IT BETTER NOT HAPPEN AGAIN" She yelled walking out of my room.

I just sat there crying for 20 minutes.

"Dad why did you leave why did you leave me with her I miss you so much" I sobed out.

I walked towards the bathroom and looked in the mirror my face was slightly red I could play it off as in I ran into a wall.

' why does this happen to me do I deserve this I don't know- of course you deserve it your father killed himself because he regretted having you he didn't want to be tied to her forever but because of you he had to stay for you. But if you were never born everyone would be so much more happier they just want you gone so give them what they want pick it up come on just pick it up.' I looked at the drawer in the bathroom.

"Should I" I said to myself.

'yes you should'. I picked up the razor and moved my sleeve up I slowly cut open the skin under my hand. I let out a hiss of pain the tears falling down my cheeks as I look at what I've done. I kept going for a few seconds then cleaned up and left the room I threw on my hoodie it was like 56° so its not suspicious. I heard a car honk so I grabbed my stuff and went out to their car.

"Hey Lillian you excited" she said.

"Yeah I am lets go" I replied as I got in.