Ride Home

twenty-four

On some nights, I lay awake in bed thinking, and some, I lay in bed crying my heart out. Maaga akong namulat sa totoong mundo, I got pregnant early, I had to mature faster. But javi, javi made me feel young, he made me feel kilig, kilig that I didn't feel when I was with tyler. He made me feel safe and secured, it wasn't just sex when it was with javi. On nights that I wasn't crying, I was thinking about what would've happened if I didn't tell javi that einica called, would we still be together? Kasal na kaya kami? Or would it end in me being guilty? I guess I couldn't know the answer.

I glanced at the digital clock beside my table, maaga pa, I texted tina na hindi na muna ako babalik because I feel sick. I have two hours to rest, until it was time to pick up xavier. Hinubad ko ang damit ko, I walked towards the closet, and I picked up javi's shirt. Of course it didn't smell like him, dalawang taon na rin nag nakalipas, nilabhan ko na 'to, trying their fabcon and his cologne, but it didn't do anything to smell like javi. I hugged myself, minsan, parang feeling ko yinakap ako ni javi when I wear this shirt. I closed my eyes.

Nagising ako sa tunog ng cellphone, it was 11:00, way past the 7:00 that I had to pick up xavier, napatayo ako, I grabbed some shorts and my keys, tsaka ko lang nabasa ang text ni juan pagkasakay ko sa kotse. I sighed deeply.

I drove papunta sa bahay nila, sabi kasi ni juan, dun nila dinala ni javi si xavier. Tyler had to leave early because of andi.

"katukin mo na" I said to myself, I have been here ten minutes ago. And I couldn't find the will to go inside. My phone rang which startled me,

"you know you can come in right?" javi said through the phone, tumingala ako and I saw the lights in his room were opened.

"okay." I whispered, he didn't end the call, I can hear him walking down the stairs. Lumabas ako ng kotse, the phone still on.

"hi." I said when javi opened the door.

"hi." he whispered, ending the call, nakangiting tumingin sa akin si javi.

"tulog na siya kasama si jaime" javi said, like the old times. Tumango ako at hinigpitan ko ang hawak ko, baka malaglag ako sa hagdan.

"baka magalit si einica." bulong ko, we were sitting side by side sa kama ni javi.

"walang einica" he responded, I nodded.

"xavienne" javi called, I bit my lip to prevent myself from crying.

"javier" tawag ko sakanya, he smiled. Dahan dahang ipinatong niya ang kamay niya sa kamay ko.

"avi," he called out again, I closed my eyes. Nanghihina ako, I wasn't drunk but I felt like I was.

"you grew out your hair" bulong ko, javi nodded.

"you said you like it long." sabi niya, I nodded.

"mas bagay sayo, buti pumayag si einica"

"einica and I broke up the same year you let me go" he replied, tumingin ako sakanya.

"why?" I asked him.

"she's not you" javi answered.

"bullshit" I said, javi smiled.

"I'm so glad you and tyler didn't end up together" he said, looking at me, pero ibinaling ako ang tingin ko sa sahig.

"why would we?" I asked, nagkibit balikat ni javi.

"you're wearing my shirt." he said, I rolled my eyes.

"ano? Do you want it back?" I sarcastically said, I didn't expect him to nod. I exhaled and rolled my eyes before taking it off.

"thank you" he said grinning, I covered myself with my arms.

"I missed you avi." javi said, seryoso ang tono ng boses niya, tumingin ako sakanya.

"I had to make myself better before coming back to you, whenever xavier chats me and tells me na you're crying it breaks my heart" javi said, looking at his hands.

"Xavienne, I'm sorry" javi said looking at me.

"I love you" bulong niya, at lumapit sa akin, his palms are warm against my cheek.

I closed my eyes as he kissed me. Marupok ako, but I was the one who deepened the kiss, marupok siya. I let him, hiniga niya ako ng dahan-dahan, placing soft kisses every where he likes. Mahal ko siya.