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thirty-six

"it wasn't your fault."

"you did everything perfectly."

"no one wanted it to happen"

Everyone said those words, kind words. Nagawa kong ngumiti, javi behind me, rubbing my shoulders. Juan and Ricci trying their best to cheer me up.

But it was too painful for all of us, for me, for javi, for xavier who had to see the blood, for javi to clean up the sheets, for mara who was excited that another Gomez de Liaño female was aboard, for joe, juan, jordi and jaime who started to buy clothes for javiell, for tita anna and tito bert who kept asking for updates every check up, for ricci who found out with me.

This was the last day of the wake, my parents with xavier, tyler and andi who can't even be happy even though she had just given birth.

"I'm sorry." was all that I can say, when you hold the four month old fetus in your arms, and without any heart beat, your heart breaks. But then I saw javi, smiling with tears in his eyes, "kaya natin 'to" he kept on repeating. But I didn't know if he did that to tell me or to convince himself. Xavier, crying in juan's arms, asking if he's still a kuya. Juan not knowing what to answer.

"okay ka lang ba iha?" tita anna asked, siguro kasi kanina pa ako nakaupo at nakatulala. Sinuklian ko siya ng matipid na ngiti.

"kaya niyo yan" sabi niya, rubbing my back.

Pero hindi ba, pag inaalo tayo, mas lalo tayong maiiyak? I broke down.

"tita, I want her back" I sobbed, crying hard, wala akong pake kung pinagtitinginan man ako ng ibang tao.

"we tried iha." tita anna responded, rubbing circles on my back.

"xavie, let's rest." javi said, scooping me from his mother, tumingin ako sa kabaong ni javiell.

"I can't rest javi" sagot ko, his hands were on my waist.

"love, yung tahi mo, hindi pa okay, baka mabinat ka" sabi ni javi, he hugged me tighter.

"javi, I want her back" I sobbed, javi hugged me tighter. Kissing my forehead,

"we all do love, we all want her back." sabi sa akin ni javi, tears were streaming down his cheeks.

"javi" I said, burying my face in his neck, he hugged me, kissing my hair.

"kaya natin 'to" he whispered.

For some reason, they all didn't want javi to drive. Tyler presented to drop us home, kukuha rin sila ng damit ni xavier kasi sakanila muna siya habang nagrerecover pa kami ni javi.

"alis na kami xavie" mahinang sabi ni tyler, nakangiti si andi, pero halata ang lungkot sa kanyang mga mata.

"mama's gonna be better pag uwi mo" sabi ko kay xavier, xavier smiled and tucked my hair behind my ear.

"you have all the time in the world mama, I still love you" sabi ni xavier, I hugged him tight.

"behave kay daddy ha?" paalala ko, he nodded and kissed my forehead.

I watched their car leave, andi and tyler hugging me before they closed the door. Javi behind me, hugging me tightly.

"okay tayo mahal?" javi asked, I nodded and hugged him.

"okay tayo." I replied, we stayed like that for a while, silent, only our breathing can be heard.

"javi, what did we do to deserve this?" I asked him. He smiled sadly,

"the world wasn't ready to meet her yet, the world isn't a better place for her." javi said, I nodded and hugged him.

"Javi, I can't go back to the room" bulong ko, javi kissed my temples.

"then let's stay wherever you want love, i'll be with you"