suicidio

Suicide

I walk downstairs,
bag in hands.
I go to the shelf of meds
I open the pill container slowly,
then dump the pills into the bag.  Then repeat.
Open, dump, repeat.
Until the bag is full.
Then I get a glass of water and walk back upstairs.
Careful not to wake anyone up.
Sister is still awake.
I walk over to her and kiss her on the cheek,
then ask her to tell Brother I love him, since I won’t be there for him.
I write down a few letters
for everyone I know.
I lay on my bed and close my glassy eyes.
I cry for the last time.
Sister is asleep now.
I grab the bag of pills and swallow them by the handful.
Until they’re gone.
Then I lay down.
I feel dizzy now.
I mumble stuff to my sister,
even though she’s sleeping.
It’s all nonsense anyway.
I can feel my brain straining to find the right words.
I feel my heart racing in my chest,
in my everywhere.
Then I fall asleep,
and for a second I think it worked. Until I wake up vomiting.
Of course.
I should have figured I wouldn’t do it right.
Now I’m not only a failure in life,
but death too