Bey
When I got home I was greeted with the smell of Jambalaya and it made my stomach speak. I walked in the kitchen to greet my mother but before entering I heard a familiar voice.
It was Tim, the man who raped me.
What was he doing here? My mother is married to Ivan, but Ivan has been on deployment for the past 6 months now.
It has been 6 years since I buried the incident but in that moment I felt like it was happening again. My body froze at the sight of him, I began to remember the whimpers that escaped my fragile body. I felt my chest caving in and it became harder to breathe. I felt like I was being choked. I held my chest and took slow deep breaths. My palms began to sweat as I glided my hand over my throat in hopes that I could remove the strain I felt. Tears formed in my eyes but they refused to fall.
My mother came peeking around the corner and suddenly my body escaped shock mode and I stood there with my back against the walk and my hand wrapped around my throat.
"Girl what the fuck is wrong with you?" my mother asked me.
"My throat hurts," I lied.
"You better not be getting sick because your ass is going to school regardless."
After that statement I simply took my belongings and headed to my room. I wish my mother and I had a relationship. I wish my mother knew how to nurture, she exhausted me with her talk "at" you and not "to" you antics.
And I hate to compare myself but Nicki's mom is a whole ass sweetheart to me and it's the greatest feeling ever, but at the end of the day that is not my mother.
That's what Nicki fails to understand. I love her mom, but I could never ever feel the same connection as a biological mother to her child. I appreciated Nicki's attempt to understand but you cannot understand what you haven't lived through.
I mean I can write a book about it and she'll still never understand. I think that's what is keeping me from being with her, but she's an amazing human being. She is everything that I want to be but sometimes I feel like a burden to her.
I don't even know how to explain to her what's going on right now.
"Mama," I said inching into my mother's doorway.
Prior to this I stood outside of her door wondering what to say and how to say it.
When I finally got a glimpse of her, I noticed the beer bottle that had been clamped inside of her palm. She passed out drunk. Again.
This was the prime of my mother's downfall. Finding out that your husband created an entire family after you've buried the most disgusting secret of his. No matter how much it hurt you and how much of yourself you had to question.
I feel for her, but I can't condone the way she chose to cope.
I reversed my steps and closed her bedroom door, I remember Solange advising me to just let her be whenever she passed out drunk.
I walked to my brother and sister's door and placed a simple knock. My hands were still shaking from the anxiety of Tim running up the stairwell and attacking me again.
These thoughts quickly erased when John came and opened the door.
"What do you want?" he asked, he had his gaming head set on.
"Uh," I stuttered while my hands shook uncontrollably.
"T-Tim raped me."
Solange, who sat adjacent to John, sucked her teeth.
"Beyoncé we don't have time for your little lies."
"Right! You see us trying to play the game right?!" John spoke while never taking his gaze off of the television.
The night it happened I told my siblings and I was called a liar. How could I dare tell mama?
-
I scraped those thoughts into the furthest corner of my brain and proceeded to do my homework.
I called Nicki while I did it. We facetime each other and do homework in silence.
"Ayeee I'm done."
"Don't brag," I said while continuing my math homework.
"I finally finished submitting all of my scholarship applications. All 23 of them."
"Wooow, it's about time baby. I'm proud of you."
"Yes I wanted to get them done before christmas break, now I just need my transcripts mailed and we hea widdit."
"Your accent so damn fine," I said while making direct eye contact to the screen for dramatic effect.
"Damn Bey I love when you're all aggressive."
I chuckled, "It turns you on daddy?"
"Girllll," Nicki dragged out, "don't start anything you can't finish chile." (if anyone pronounces this as the country i-)
"This math homework is literally eating me alive," I state in frustration.
"I'm tryna eat you alive."
My jaw dropped, "Onika!"
"What? Boundaries?"
"You're getting more and more bold."
"I know. Oh, by the way, on Friday we're going on a date so be ready at 6. Thank you babes."
I chuckled, "What?"
"I ain't stutter."
"Yes ma'am," I said with no further questions.
