My Disappointing Diary

2-19-20

Hello there. This is my diary. I don't like writing much because I tend to forget to keep track and stuff. But I started this here because if anyone ever reads it I would love some advice on my problems or to know someone relates. And not like a therapist but more like a friend to a friend. And I know a topic that's gonna pop up a lot . My crush/best friend. I know cliche right🙃. I'm gonna go ahead and make a fake name because some of my IRL friends follow me. His name's gonna be..... Alex. Yeah that sounds good. Ok so uh yeah today started off as usual. And I just told my "sister" Jordan about my feelings for Alex. And today he was being all touchy. Like more than normal. Well that's what it seemed like to me anyway. He was my valentine too. He drew me an anime character from BHNA, Dabi. Anyway, he was poking me in my side, like normal, and putting his head on my shoulder and running his finger on my arm and that stuff. That's pretty normal but he's been acting kinda weird lately. It's like 5:31 after school and I'm at his place to go to church with his family later. I'm sitting here beside him and he just put a cookie on my pinky finger 😂. Anywho he's been touchy and joking around a lot more and I don't know if I can take it anymore. I have to find a way to yeet my feelings out a 20 story building window. We're on our way to church now. His mom wasn't feeling well so she stayed home. He now knows that I'm keeping a "documentary" and that I've written about him. And I hope I can come over again tomorrow after school because I like hanging out with him and his family. I've been listening to Haunted by Melanie Martinez for a good while now. We're at Tractor Supply Co. to get dog food and chicken feed(they have 3 dogs and a lot of chickens). When they move his little sister is getting a horse and they're getting more chickens. We're at church now. We're getting dinner and Alex kept pushing me on the way in. I'm trying to explain it to him but he's getting confused and it's hecka hilarious. I think I explained it well enough. Ok he gets it but now he says he's gonna be worried about what's in here about him😂. We're in the sanctuary waiting for the first part of the service thing. He's now sitting on his little sister's lap because she was sitting on his and hurt his finger. And oof I need to yeet these feelings out the window quicker than purple guy murders little children 😂. He's literally super adorable and like makes my heart uwu a lot. Like how could I not trip/fall flat on my face for him. He's funny, cute, jokes around a lot, obviously has a good sense of humor, gives me affection for pretty much no reason, gets mad when I forget to give him attention. Like damn son where'd you find that one🙃😂. Anyway he also watches ANIME. Like all the serious relationships I've been in they've hated anime so I couldn't relate to them and like to find him was the oof of the century. But I'm not even his type which is why I want to yeet these feelings farther than the universe. I hope he doesn't find out. I don't want it to get awkward or anything. If he knows I wonder what he'd do? Like would he cut ties with me so he doesn't hurt my feelings? Or would he just tell me straight up he doesn't like me back and I'd have to deal with it? The what if scenarios flood my mind from time to time because I did confess once but he ignored it and so did I. It's after the lesson and we just got done playing tag. Well we're still playing but I'm writing so I'm not focused on it. But what I really don't know what to do for the time being until I can yeet these feelings. On a lighter note Everytime I say I'm writing he asks if it's about him. Which it usually is considering I hang out with him the most. I can't help but relate the situation to Haunted by Melanie Martinez. We're in the dining hall with the lights off. We're with both of his little sisters. Now he's being an adorable dork. He's now turning the lights on and off. Now he's being a cheerleader 😂. I had to walk away because I swear he's too adorable for this. He just TWERKED 😂🤣. I really just wanna belt out in song to feel better. Singing always helps me feel better. I love this crackhead and I wish I didn't. Ironic because I want him to want me if that makes sense. I mean I wish he would like me back but I know he doesn't so I'll just have to suck it up, deal with it, and hope these feelings go away. I was literally on the verge of tears then he comes, back hugs me and asks me what's wrong. I couldn't speak or else I would have actually cried. I only shook my head. Now we're playing hide and seek in the dark. Oof I'm home now and I wish I had my phone to write what we did at the time because I got a whole piggy back ride from him. I fought for my jacket before we had to leave. I can't believe he seemed to me like he was low-key flirting. Like when he helped me up and said I just wanted to hold his hand and then I actually held his hand because I went for a high five and he didn't let go so I didn't and he was like oh so you're just gonna hold my hand and I was like I was waiting for you to let go and he said oh so you wouldn't have let go until I did and I was like yeah and then I went to count because oof. And I gave him my phone when I first went to count so they couldn't say I cheated. And I asked for it in the car on the way home and he said I'll give it to you when you get home or you can tell me everything you wrote about me and I was like nope I can wait. But I did tell him I called him an adorable dork. And oof I should end this now since my phones on 17% and it's 10:25. So uh yeah byeee.
-Angil