My Disappointing Diary

2-22-20

Morning. I literally just remembered to start this. I'm just listening to music and getting ready to rewash my hair. But this dude is in the house so I low-key wanna wait till he leaves. But I'll do it now so I'll be back(she says as if you would notice). I'm doneee. So now my hair is hella curly and I low-key feel like Dan with his cute Hobbit hair. Oof I love Dan and Phil. They're super cute and all that jazz. Anyway I realized I say low-key and anyway a lot. Ok so SUPERDUPERKYLE is amazing. Like he got bars, looks, and he's real as fuck. Anywho my ex best friend, Taylor, has just texted me pretty much asking me to come over and I might because her mom needs some support because last time I was there she was acting like a spoiled ass brat. And her mom tries so hard but she just doesn't appreciate it. But eh now I'm chilling on the couch with dude from earlier and my little bro. Now me and Jordan are going back and forth because I said feelings suck (which they do). I mean I can't help who I fall for but it makes me frustrated when I fall at all. Like why can't I just mind my own damn business. Oops I just slipped up to Taylor about me having a crush but she doesn't know who so it's fine. But she's suspicious because I keep trying to deny it. Oof phones on 10%. So I'll be back. Ok I'm back. Me and Jordan are discussing about if we should start dropping hints so Alex can figure it out on his own and I'll only have to confirm it. But I kinda don't know how to drop hints but we'll see I guess. I mean I've already told him I don't like him but obviously I do. I hope he understands and doesn't ya know drop me because I don't know if I could take that. Oof now Jordan asked me if I loved him. I mean I don't know. I've liked him for 3 years now but I wouldn't know what really love feels like because I haven't experienced it. But I think I might? Maybe I don't know. But I'm kinda scared now. Because usually I put him to the back of my mind and "like" someone else. But now I can't do that. I only want HIM. And that scares me. I don't understand this feeling that I have for him and it scares me. I mean sure I get flustered around him. And yea I get super happy whenever I get to see him. And he always makes me laugh so hard and he's so caring and sweet and funny. He might be cute and tall and sweet and funny and all that other stuff but he won't like me back. I know he won't and if he will it won't really matter since his parents wouldn't approve. Ughhh this is so freaking frustrating and stressful like oof. I'm in Taylor's mom's car. We're going into town. I think we're going to the mall maybe. But anyway my phone needs to charge so see ya later. I'm back. We went to Sam's Club and Walmart. I think we're gonna go home now. Can't wait to see Alex.... whenever I see him. Anyway I don't know if I'm gonna tell Taylor because 1 that's her ex and 2 she's probably still mad that me and her cousin broke up. But eh she wasn't that pushy when I slipped up so I assume that she doesn't really care. Oof I want to ask him if he likes anyone. But that's super suspicious. But I don't care when I see him I'll ask when we're on the bus since that's the only time I'll be able to. I'm kinda iffy about going over to his house now considering the circumstances. Like have you ever just wanted to have a honest conversation with someone without them judging you? Like I wanna have deep convos but there's literally no one who'll have one with me. Oof why is he ALWAYS on my mind. I was just wondering if Alex answered my text I sent this morning. We're at the house now and we need to clean the kitchen so Taylor can make wontons. And oof I miss it here because her tiny dog Bella is so cute and wants cuddles unlike Molly. She's a big dog and she doesn't like me even though we usually coexist. Oof her stepdad is here. And there's nothing wrong with that but I like it when it's just us three(me, Taylor, and her mom). Oof ok so I'm telling Jordan that I think I might love him but I don't know yet. I wish I really knew so I could confirm it but I don't know for sure. But also I'm pretty sure it is because well I think I said it before but I haven't felt like this towards anyone but him. For the last three years I've tried to keep him offy mind and distract myself but it didn't work. Now me and Alex are gonna be on video call soon too so oof. We're on video call now and oof he's still an adorable dork. I'm happy I get to see him since I didn't get to at all yesterday. Now I'm gonna go and enjoy this call with my best friend. So I'll be back if something major happens or whatever. Oh no. He's cute😔🙃😫. Like oof sweetie could you stop being so frickin adorable please? He's playing the piano and yea we're just chilling. Ok so the call lasted almost an hour but he had to go eat so he hung up. Oof he was playing the piano and I was guessing the songs and singing and stuff and I swear if I was lighter I would have turned red. And then I was gushing to Jordan about Alex and now I'm helping Taylor make wontons. Oof so we just got off the phone again and ugh he's out here stealing my heart and making me flustered and shit. Like ugh why does he have to be so awesomely adorable. One of our internet made us hang up. I tried to call back but it didn't go through so I guess either the phone got turned off or it died. Oof I swear he makes me laugh so hard and now I have a whole Spotify playlist for him called Adorable Dork💚. I made it on like Wednesday or Thursday. So yeah I'm trying not to think about him but after that I don't think I should try to anymore because it's hasn't worked at all. Oof I KNOW I'm in love now. I just told Jordan and she hasn't replied yet.  I'm listening to his playlist and I was start on my homework but now I just wanna chill and think about Alex. I've decided I should embrace my love for him instead of trying to get rid of it. Anyway I'm gonna end this one here so I can chill I mean if something happens I'll just start tommorows at midnight. So uhh yeah byee!
- Angil