I sat shivering
Trying to retrace the steps
Given to me
I burned icy hot
Then shook with chills
But always wet with beads of sweat
They toured my skin
While my bones grind
One against the other
Like teeth against a spasm
My muscles clenched
Knotted themselves
For a pain that was fickle
Indecisive
That would not or could not
Commit itself to just one part of me
He yelled.
When I said, "God, grant me-"
He laughed.
He gave the nurses new names
Puerile-Bastard-Bitch
Rancid-Rat-Faced-Slut
You-Malignant-Cunt
Bitch, bitch and bitch
He perfected his curveball
But with chairs and food trays
"Get well" plants
Anything
Not affixed
He made sure they hated their job
Reminded them why
They hated their job
Because we were their job
He sometimes pleaded with me
to get out
Sometimes fought with me
to get out
Always there, under my skin
He wrestled me down
To the ground
Tried to put me in a hold
Put a hold on me
He wrapped his legs round my waist
His arms round my neck
He held on tight
Clinging to my back
I tried to shake him
He tried to make us leave
Dragging us across the floor
Only to be caught
Two feet
Six steps
Then six more
From the exit
But he didn't mind
He knew
I knew
He hadn't really been bested
Even when the pain changed
More a neglected afterthought
Abandoned in the back of my mind
With the other junk
Of childhood damage
And complexes
Even when I took my steps
And I could manage better days
He wasn't defeated
Now
Even now
He still scratches at my scabs
Just to remind me
They itch
