quotes from the dumpster fire

why are you people like this

Congratulations in making it this far! You win nothing but more disappointment in humanity. Have fun!

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P's Friend: I'm an angel baby!

P: No you're just a baby
P: *dabs*

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Angel, pointing to a clay creature Mason made: What the hell is that?

Mason: Does it look like I know?

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P, about a Fallout 4 NPC: He tried to kill me so I accidentally killed him... with a missile launcher

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J: Telling Peter not to be a dick is like telling [the cat] to not be pompous. Look at him. Acting like he's king of the world.

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After watching an older episode of NCIS:

Me: Damn.... people are horrible...

P: What do you mean?

Me: You know, like a serial killer! I may be mentally fucked up but at least not... like that! I don't ever want to be like that, and definitely don't want to go on a killing spree.

P: That's exactly what a serial killer would say

Me: ..so would a normal person

P: Sure, sure.... CALL 911!!

Me: WE'RE AUSTRALIAN-

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Kodi: I'm not relevant to this, I'm a mythical unicorn

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Mason, after I stole a pringle: I'd step on a lego for you, but did you ask?

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Mason: Is this for an assessment or for fun?

Lucy: An assessment.

Mason: Oh fun!

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Mason: You know you love me

Me: Are you sure about that

Mason: Yes

Me: shit you're right

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Mason, rummaging through bag: *throws peg across table* WHY DO I HAVE A PEG IN MY BAG

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*lights flickering*

Bilal: Shit my computer shut down!

Blair: Haha mine's still working!

*lights flickered again*

Blair: FUCK IT TURNED OFF

Bilal: Karma!

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Me: nick's a bigfoot, i'm a magpie-cat with rights and mason's a fucking DEMON

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J: Imagine if Minecraft was made by Bethesda

Me and P, together: Oh god

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P: This teddy bear is so soft and cuddly

"Teddy Bear": MEOW

P: Oh shit it's the cat

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P: Alrighty, stick 'em up!

Me: *flips bird*

P: That's not what I meant and you know it.

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J: Shorty.

Me: Dude i'm only an inch shorter than you.

J: Shorty.

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Me: Hey Google? How do you deal with emotions? Asking for a friend

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Me: If you squint hard enough, the face of that truck looks like an AT-AT

Mum: Yeahhhhh, if you squint.

Peter: If you squint hard enough, your face is still as ugly!!!

Everyone: OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Mum: Look I know that was an insult but that was good, well done.

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J: please don't stick your head down my bra

Me: I'm not sure if that's funnier with the context that you're talking to your bird or without it.

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Me: HOE DON'T DO IT
Me: I WILL MURDER YOU

J: I won't hesitate, bitch!

Me: Damnit J this is a sERIOUS CONVERSATION

J: Incorrect

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J: Finish the fucking show, I want to rant about it with someone

Me: WHAT IF I DON'T WANT TO

J: I'll spoil it
J: Or whatever show you're on

Me: FUCKING DO NOT
Me: you're such a slytherin oh my god

J: watch the fUCKING SHOW

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Me: P, trying to wash your legs with the river water isn't going to work when the river water is what made them dirty in the first place..

P: *animal noises*

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J: I smiled at 47 people and got 5 smiles back.

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J: P, why did you bring a nerf gun?

Me and Mum, simultaneously: So He can shoot [his friend] with it

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Nick: Just because i've graduated doesn't mean I'm smart

Mason: Valid

Me: Valid

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Mason: *stomps up to Nick*
Mason: you a ho

Nick, in the softest little voice possible: ohh

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Mason: If you want to meet the straightest thing in the universe, you should meet my mum.

Me: But Mason, she's gay

Mason: Yeah that's the joke
Mason: Badumtshhh

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J, to me: If I have resting bitch face, you have resting bitch-ass face

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Me: *drops my ipod and headphones*
Me: *fucking screeches at it*
Me: .....
Me, quietly: Oh god I'm a bird.

Mum: Pardon?

Me, with a strangled voice: MM A BIRD

Nan, popping her head around the corner: Oh was that noise just now your bird?

Me: *dying with laughter*