BROKEN

UNTAMABLE

*Edited*

     James continued to try to molest me at every opportunity he had. The bathroom door was faulty––it could not be locked from inside. I would notice James peeping on me every time I had my bath. I confronted him and told him to stop peeping on me, else, I would report his attitude to his parents, but he wouldn't bulge. He continued his uncivilised behaviour. And I couldn't even tell his parents because I was afraid they would't believe me and would be seen as accusing their son of something he didn't do.
One morning, as I was having my bath covered with lather all over my face and entire body, I heard someone trying to open the door. Thinking it was James's sister, I didn't bother until I washed off the soap on my body. On turning back to get my towel that was hanged on the door, lo and behold, it was James standing in front of me. He saw my naked body. I was shy. I quickly pushed him aside and covered myself with my towel.

"James, really!" I screamed. Are you crazy? What's wrong with you? "Fine, fine, I'd go," he replied. He rolled his eyes and turned away. After that day, I tried to shut the bathroom door with a bucket filled with water so that anyone trying to enter would find it difficult doing so. My plan worked. I was glad because, every time James tried, he would experience trouble opening the door.

The night after the bathroom incidence, we were seeing a movie in the living room and somehow, we all slept off while the television was still on. James's mum came out later to find us scattered all over the living room with the movie still playing. She didn't bother to wake us up but she turned off the television and went back to her room.

I opened my eyes to find James touching me again. I was so angry and asked him, "James, what do you want? Why exactly are you doing this?" Although I knew it was wrong, but I wanted to explore. I wanted it, too. I was enjoying it. My monsters had grown and were becoming uncontrollable. I didn't want to do this with my cousin. No, not with James. "This is incest," I thought.

James said he wasn't going to force me but that he just wanted to know what it felt like. He just wanted to touch me, nothing more. Again, I felt my monsters taking over me. I looked at James's eyes and they were so beautiful. I was becoming uncontrollable. I said to James, "you are my cousin. I'm sorry, I can't do this."

I thought James was going to go back to sleep but instead, he pulled me closer and pressed his lips to mine. I kissed back. I wasn't able to resist him. I was powerless. I found myself not struggling. And indeed, I did enjoy it. I snapped back to my senses when James's parents' door squeaked. His dad was going to come out. In a moment, James was back on the other couch and we pretended to be sleeping, as if nothing happened. I felt a rush of irritation within me. I asked myself why couldn't I control myself nor resist. I saw myself as filth. I felt like I was going to die.

The next morning, James tried to have a conversation with me but I ignored him and didn't give him a chance to come close to me. He irritated me. I couldn't even look into his eyes. My monsters had become untamable.